frozen, trying to move in Second 1st

I didn’t engage long but I was begged to eat something… so I made one taco, and ate it though I didn’t want it. Somehow Joseph swore he wouldn’t get a second plate till I got something and it was all on the dumb side. Kerri got a second plate too which is highly unusual. I went to bed before they went for the after dinner cig.

I laid there for a bit and played a video game. Then I listened to some smooth voiced guy on a meditation app read The Velveteen Rabbit. It was actually a book I had when I was small so it was a bit weird. I kept getting illustrations pop in my head, not made up ones from imagination but real ones from memory.

Just before he began reading Rocky had come in to check on me. “Your not alseep yet?” “No. I told you.”… I had told them I was going to cry for a bit, then listen to a thing, then go to sleep. Its a thing though.... when I’m alone… I can barely cry.... it’s a strange thing. I’m an emotional person and when I talk about something that is upsetting me I can barely get a whole sentence before tears are rolling..... but when I’m alone.... and the only person who hears me is me… there are no tears. Lump in my throat, nose dripping.... no tears.... as if the show of emotion only needs to be there so others can see it. I grow numb and quiet. It’s just what I do.... So I lay there listening to a story of a toy bunny being loved and becoming real.

Afterwards, I was still awake. Trying to find the silver linings and planning how to handle a day. I still don’t know. I figure I’ll take meclizine at every break weather I need it or not because the previous pill will run out while I’m on the floor and don’t have any to take.... and I can’t risk that. Rocky is already policing the food choices based on the migraine list I got from Wissing (ENT). This means that although the healthy choice microwave steamer bowls have some good choices for low sodium I won’t be able to have them because microwave food is on the list for no’s...... that’s gonna change because I’m not spending any time trying to fix something.

It crossed my mind that maybe MetLife would need Dr. Labadie to sign something to release me. He’s not in the office until Tuesday.... maybe I can’t go to work this week. Possibly the disability lady can take care of that without him because Holly says I’m okay. It’s also possible that because I went to Wissing to see about having her extend it he would need info from her in order for me to go back. In the end it would only change the date from tomorrow to next week. Either way I should go get the badge issue sorted and such. I was going to call MetLife after the visit with HR anyway..... but now if I get out of WM later than I expect I will call MetLife BEFORE I go to HR. Otherwise I’m going to HR saying tomorrow OR next week depending on MetLife. (They run an hour behind us so I can’t get a hold of them till 10 at least..... and my agent is never at his desk when I call)

I’m hopeful because it feels like way to much to do in a day. Like somehow if I had one more week it would be better? Well, at least I’d have a week to get water and figure out what’s for dinner on weekend nights. .... and what if....

So, when I was trying to get the miscommunication covered last week Sean at MetLife had said he just needed Wissing to send in that I was still having the symptoms and that would be enough to keep me out. What if he tells me that’s all I need from here out.... a visit every month or so stating I’m still dizzy.... I still get motion sickness and nausea… there are no numbers to back it. There is no proof so this is not likely going to happen but I’ll ask.... as well as what happens if I go to work and can’t do it without being sick.... he had talked about vocational training before.... would that be an option? What if i work for a month and have to be off again from the dizziness?.... do I just call them and reopen the case or will I need to go back through short term?… or wait another 26 weeks (covered by short term this time). I didn’t have any of these questions yesterday. Just emotion/confusion. .... still emotional and confused .... but if I have to do this I’d like to know my options going forward. … There is no proof I’m getting dizzy but that doesn’t mean I’m not and I really need to get a grip on fighting for myself. I don’t have a choice.

Yesterday on the way home.... I shared fears with Rocky and in response he came back with something ..... I had said something like “I guess I just get to go to work and have to call out or leave early till they fire me” and he said Ör Holly is right and you’ll be fine” I said Ï’m sure that’s not the case because I get dizzy and sick doing house chores. Work is going to be way worse.” then he raised his voice enough to be annoying as if we were arguing “Or you’ll be fine and you are over reacting.” .... right you win I’ll shut up now.... no reason to cry on your shoulder then .... I’m already wrong....

I woke at 11:30 and was up for an hour and a half. Rocky asked “Why is your body waking you”.... I responded with Ï have to work duh” ....

It’s 6 now.... I slept through 3 am Justin’s and 5 ams too .... thinking I won’t be able to do either over the weekend anyway and this is the last “sleep in day” I’ll have before the weekend. I still got up at 5:15. Just long enough to not do the work. I’ll be at WM at 6:45, the tire and lube öpens” at 7.... I’ll be the first one. Life goes on.