The Conflicts of Caring in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Marriage Counseling this weekend was… important. I mean… not a lot to it that wasn’t expected. I discuss Anxious Attachment, bitterness, resentment, and sexual frustration. I mention how I’ve searched 28 different therapists to find one that I could schedule something with. I discuss how I’m not sure how to avoid divorce in this scenario… because as part of trying to get from Anxious to a more Stable mindset… I need to “pull back.” I can’t make the whole focus of my life other people and I need to start to worry about my own emotional/mental health. And this search for a therapist was a prime example both of my fears and my reality. Because my fears are (1) it’s too difficult; and (2) As I focus on me, Wife won’t do anything to make the marriage work, and the marriage will fail. Well… step 1 proved quite real. As for Step 2? She hasn’t even started looking for an individual therapist. I’ve made contact with dozens, and she hasn’t even started to try. Fear Proof Reality.

Though, that being said? She did say “I love you” more this weekend and did kiss me intentionally a few times. Granted, it was nice. And had this scenario not played out before I would be totally taken by it. But I see it for what it is now. Wife is not doing this kind of thing intentionally to manipulate me. This is a coping mechanism. She knows she wants the marriage to continue, she knows she wants things to stay the same… so she quickly cycles to “how do I stop things from changing?” And acts accordingly but in a manner that does not create sustainable, long term change. Largely because she “attacks the surface stuff” without dealing with the deeper stuff that is wrong.

Because I thought a lot about it this weekend. If suddenly wife were willing to “star fish” (I believe is the term) once a week… would that mean our marriage was fixed? I’d say not at all. SO what is the deeper, fundamental issue? And it is about connecting, understanding, but above all… wanting to be FOR THE OTHER. That’s what it is. If Wife could or would tell me what she likes… what makes her happy, what turns her on, what gets her across the finish line, what fills her with joy… if my Wife communicated how I could be for her… I’d try it and I’d work on it and I’d do what I could… and wish for the same. But my Wife is either incapable or unwilling to express any of that to me. Even as simple as “When you ask me how my day was every day, it makes me feel cared about.” Or even as risque as “I don’t know why, but if I could watch you in a trial, that would be SUCH A TURN ON!” Anything to let me know how to get (1) Romance, (2) Passion, or (3) Lust. But she continues to claim that she’s “just not a person that is drawn to that.” A person who has no interest in romance in their life… no desire for passion in their life… no want of lust in their life. And granted… I’m a person that DOES want those things… and does communicate those wants and desires. But Wife… kind of blows it off. Which is the inherent issue. If Wife doesn’t want me to be romantic, or passionate, or lustful… if her ideal relationship with her husband is as even-keel civil roommates… I can give her that relationship. But a little tit-for-tat would be good. For example, after a week of the Civil Roommate Business, maybe for a date night she wears something besides baggy jeans and a loose fitting ratty hoodie. Maybe she could wear something romantic. Not even a dress, necessarily, but an attempt to “be pretty” on a date night. I know we’re married but sighing and coming out in your almost-pajamas isn’t exactly the date night mood I was hoping for (especially as I am often still in a suit).

But then, as I’m sure some of you have raced to the notes to suggest, the problem there is that in order to provide what our partner wants; we have to forgo our own desire. Because our “view” isn’t just “different” but diametrically opposed. Wife wants (the term I used) “A gay bff to hang out with all the time.” I want a wife… a woman that helps me cook, helps me keep the house from falling down, and helps me explore the sexual world that I had forbade from myself until marriage. And I think… ultimately… that is why this has become SUCH a big issue with us.

As I thought about it… one thing my marriage makes me do in a large way… is regret my past decisions. I wasn’t exactly Mr. Sexy growing up but in my history, I know of exactly 7 women I could have had sex with (as a definite) and maybe a handful more that could have been “maybe, if the timing was correct.” And I skipped all that. I actively distanced myself! Because I was so… foolishly, stupidly certain… that my Wife would be sexually interested in me. And the fact that, honestly? I think we’ve made love maybe only a dozen times or a little more? In 8 years of marriage? Yeah. It makes me regret almost all of the choices that brought me to this point in life.

So this morning, I start thinking about this… feeling… that is building in my chest. This… empty feeling. And I pinpointed it.
I’m where I always wanted to be, and I’m not happy.

The two things that mattered most to me growing up?
I wanted to be married. I wanted a good job.
I’ve got those things right now.
But my marriage is… I think even calling it broken may be kind.
And my job? While I do love my job it… it certainly isn’t fulfilling or emotionally satisfying. I deal with the worst parts of humanity for a living. And more often than not… that job isn’t “rehabilitating people who need help” and it isn’t even “protecting the society from bad people.” It typically involves me trying to find a justifiable medium that I can sleep with. So that the badman can continue to be bad while the State gets to count its money and I get to tell the Victim that “we won” because he “got punished for what he did, just maybe not as much as we would have wanted.”

Maybe it is a mid-life crisis. I have a Wife, and no romance or passion or sex. I have a job, with no real feeling of accomplishment or satisfaction. I have a house, that already needs a laundry list of repairs, alterations, or replacements. I have a dog… that is about 80 lbs smaller than I’d prefer and has a nasty habit of shredding everything she owns. Yup. Wife, Job, House, Dog. Everything I ever wanted.

What you have just read has been the summary of my thought processes for the last three days.

Why All Men Lie about Their Height (And If You Say You Don’t, You’re Probably Lying) A worthwhile article to read, but I did read it due to the slightly click-baity title. Because I don’t lie about my height… but if people thinking I’m adding 2 inches onto my declared height, I can see EVEN MORE why people would be leery of me. I typically measure around 69 to 70 inches. So as not to appear dishonest, I claim 5‘7. If I say that and people think I’m actually saying that I am 5‘5? Sounds silly but… that does actually bother me a bit. Granted, Michael J. Fox was 5‘4… and I love MJF! But… I’m Tom Cruise’ height.

It is quiet at work right now. Quiet enough that I caught up on the 49 Bookmarks I had left to read on Prosebox. Truthfully, I don’t like the quiet. Not like this. Probably why I play video games. I’d rather have the illusion of purpose, of activity, of people. Sitting… really having only my own thoughts and feelings… it’s not great. I just keep cycling over the same stuff. How I love my life but am also very unhappy. How there is a lot about my marriage that really and truly is honestly great… but if you asked me “How often would you like sex” my answer would be once or twice a week… instead of once or twice a year. How there is a lot about my job that is awesome… I have a great boss, excellent pay, a good staff, and actual resources… EASILY the best job I’ve ever had in 19 years of various employments...... but it is still really tough to deal with both the Imposter Syndrome and the darkness of humanity that comes spilling onto my feet here. How I have a wonderful house in a great (if small) neighborhood… but the house has so many things wrong with it and I don’t know who to call, how much it’ll cost, or anything about getting things fixed. My thoughts even turn to my dog. Nala is a great little puppy but she pretty much has a very limited “What she does.” She (1) sleeps, (2) eats rarely, (3) poops often, (4) eats her poop or at least throws it around the yard with her mouth for fun, (5) eats sticks, (6) shreds any toy we give her, (7) plays tug of war. Anything we try is met with half-bemused indifference at best. She still thinks fetch is a ridiculous interruption to a good Tug of War game. And I can tell that Nala is bored spending the vast majority of her time “laying around”.

So… yeah. Those are the “thoughts that swirl and swirl and swirl while things are quiet. Great Marriage, as long as I had no sexual or emotional desires or needs. Great Job, as long as I felt like both a Genius and Uncaring. Great House, as long as I knew anything about practical home repair. Great Dog, that I feel like I’m letting down.

Yeah. This isn’t a great, fun, happy entry. I know. But I’ll end it with an even worse bit. There’s no fear of this happening because this person does NOT EXIST in this area (or possibly, in this universe)… but.....
If a kind-hearted partial-goth beauty aged 22 to 38, height between 4‘8 and 6‘3, weight between 6 stone and 13 stone, with no children, doesn’t smoke, no criminal record, interested in Video Games, Anime, and Sci-Fi… if she were to approach me on the street and offer me a few rounds of “How much can you make me scream?”… it would be difficult to say no. And the truth is… that difficulty is getting more and more by the day. Oh, I do have to mention… just for accuracy’s sake… the partial goth could also be replaced with a Naughty Librarian. And the difficulty setting gets higher if the woman has a British, Irish, Scottish, Australian, or Kiwi accent.

Bah… screw it. I’ll end this with a desperate attempt at a happier note.
Over the weekend I specifically asked Wife for something. I asked her if I could take her on a date this coming Friday where she wears some makeup, dresses up a bit, and we hit the town. And after, maybe, we at least try to have sex. Because here’s the thing… she’s whipping out a new “But” on the whole sex thing. “But you never ask.” She’s claiming I never approach her about sex anymore. Well, first of all (if true), can you blame me? Second of all, we know that isn’t true. Who mentioned having sex in Hawaii? Me. Who picked up 2 boxes of condoms in Hawaii? Her. Who didn’t have any sex in Hawaii? Us. So when we returned, I kidded her on the subject but let her know it was understandable as it was so hot there! And then I mentioned we could still use them in Iowa. Which was shot down. As I am. Literally once a month. So… even though I honestly hold out zero hopes or expectations about this Friday… we’ll see.