Series of Statements in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

I received a phone call this morning that the power was out at my office so I didn’t need to come in to work today.
That being said, I knew this could happen before hand so I brought my Work Access home with me, so I can still do work (and am still doing work) despite not needing to go into the office.
I received another e-mail from 2K that said my game might actually get here today. If not today, then tomorrow. So… if you plan on playing Borderlands 3 on PS4 and don’t mind playing with me and/or my best friend in the whole world… my gamertag is Yukio_Kuro
Fun thing about that… my nickname/psuedonym is/was Felix Black. Felix means Lucky. Yukio, allegedly, means “gets what he wants”. I figured those were close enough to be acceptable substitutes… and I figured a Japanese sounding name would be appropriate for a Sony Playstation Gamertag. Obviously, Kuro means black.
Oh, fun aside if you do play and MBFITWW is playing with me… we’re both attorneys and comic book fanatics; but MBFITWW has an impressive encyclopedic knowledge of Anime. So… little bonus there.

Had another bit of a row with my wife last night. Of course “bit of a row” these days just means I was honest with her about my feelings regarding our relationship. And I get that my Anxious Attachment is going to make me push and push harder for this relationship to work because I want it to… and I know that I shouldn’t do work for her because I need to know if this is something she even bloody wants. But… I gave her the names of some of the therapists in our area because at this point… we both need to supplement Couple’s Counseling with effective individual therapy. Especially if Wife is willing to let a relationship of 15 years DIE because she hates herself more than she’s capable of loving me. That’s… that’s insane and I don’t use that word lightly. You are willing to throw away a relationship that has been over 1/3 of your life (and almost half of mine)… throw away everything that we’ve worked on and worked towards… because you hate yourself and won’t do anything about it? That… yeah. That sounds genuinely crazy.

And as I sat this morning contemplating that… I realized something. I’m always thinking about “What type of girl am I interested in?” And I thought it was about activities, hobbies, appearances… but I realized. Nah. It isn’t anything like that. When I look back over the types of girls that I pursued… the types of girls I dated and was genuinely interested in… what do they all have in common?
Depression.

I like the sad ones. So I started really trying to dig into why that might be. Because as I wax at length more often than I should… Aoife was… perfect. She was ideal. But for the one thing that really kept us apart.... which was her mental health and her self-hatred. Kind of like what is going on with Wife. So I knew I needed to dig into this. I can’t say I’m 100% right in what I’ve come up with… but it is at least worth considering.

Possibility 1
I go after women who hate themselves because I figure if they don’t like themselves, they won’t know what a catch they are. If they don’t know how beautiful, special, interesting they really are… I have a much better chance of them saying yes to me.

Possibility 2
I am obsessed with reactions. It is why my favorite thing in sex is my partner’s face and noises. It is why I was an actor for so long. The ability to do something and get a reaction is important to me. So when I can make a depressed girl smile or laugh… genuinely, honestly, sincerely laugh or smile… it is a more special laugh or smile. It is a more meaningful laugh or smile. Because they aren’t a “smiley person.” They are someone who struggles against the pain of their own lives. So the ability to bring a little light into that darkness means the world to me.

Possibility 3
I see a woman who doesn’t like herself and I foolishly (evil-y) believe that means I can mold that individual into what I want. If they don’t like who they are, then I can encourage them to be who I want them to be. They already don’t like themselves, if they don’t like what I turn them into, then it isn’t that much of a “cost” as they lost nothing.

Possibility 4
It’s about the pain itself. While my pain is physical, they live with a kind of pain that is chronic and invisible and constant as well. And while I can’t see myself being with someone who is physically destroyed by pain (because two of us going through that at the same time would be really hard), I do want to be with someone who can understand that pain and that struggle. So selecting for women with depression is a “like me but different” urge.

What is worrisome and disturbing? Is that there is truth in all 4 of those. Another reason why I need therapy myself.

And because I’m using my home computer right now… I feel like I can end this by saying the following… but I also say this because I’m genuinely curious. I am a person that DOES have fetishes. There are certain behaviors and outfits that REALLY TURN ME ON more than some other behaviors and outfits. But… I can’t even get my wife to want me in anyway. Like… my life has been sans genuine intimacy let alone “fun sexy times of exploring adventurousness.” If I find myself single… how do I tackle this topic to maybe find someone that shares my interests? Like… obviously I can’t say “Naughty Secretary really gets me going” on a first date but… after a while, do I just rent “Secretary” starring James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhall and then say, “So what do you think?” Like… how does one search for and find someone that may be sexually compatible?