Expense in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

As I look through dating sites, it seems that a lot of them only allow communication between paid members. This is unfortunate for many reasons but perhaps the most unfortunate: that means (it seems) it is very expensive to be single. For example, the two Highest Recommended apps for my area are Zoosk and Match. All communication there is “Subscriber Only”. A subscription isn’t cheap. Obviously, it ranges per length of commitment but the price can be anywhere from $30 a month up to around $100 for a 6 month subscription on some of these sites. I know there is a push for Tinder, and as much as it could be argued that I do really need a good solid shag, I’m not there yet. I’m in that… torn limbo, I suppose. On one hand, I have the last 8 years and this growing certainty that nothing is ever going to change. That if I don’t depart, I’ll find myself in the same ridiculous cycle all over again. A cycle where I clearly state my needs for the thousand-thousandth time, see those needs not being met, see Wife making a 5% effort towards “maybe, possibly, potentially, at some point in the future somewhat being able to consider trying to meet those needs,” give her “credit for trying”, and then continue endlessly in a relationship where at best I get 5% of what I need. But of course on the other hand, I have this damned foolish optimism and stubborn streak that make me think “We’re in counseling and I love her. Certainly she’ll grow and learn and choose to help create a healthy relationship.”

So that’s where I am. Which is why I’m considering any of this to begin with. We discuss Domestic Violence and how to escape those relationships. And people ask how I finally chose to leave the abusive relationship I was in. And honestly what pushed me over the edge there? When I realized that Aku would destroy herself or destroy me. It was when I realized that no matter what optimism, hope, or resources were present… Aku would not be content until one of us was utterly destroyed… in spirit, mind, body, heart, or any combination therein. That’s when I said, “NO. And I’m never coming back.” Because a relationship cannot be about destruction. It is the Gestalt Principle. If the relationship is not at least trying to be “better than the sum of its parts”… that isn’t a good relationship. And for the relationship to be about destroying the sum of its parts?? That’s downright inexcusable.

Thus enter my current predicament. My relationship, I can say with some confidence, is not greater than the sum of its parts. Oh, in some ways we “fill in for each other.” Wife does banking, I earn the money… Wife and I both take care of the house and dog (her more house, me more dog)… but that’s about it. We substitute for one another. But I don’t think we can honestly say, “I’m better for having her in my life” and I dare say she can’t say, “I’m better for having him in my life.” True, we could both in a way state “I’m better for having known them.” But not in an active, “My life is made better by her presence” kind of perspective. So that’s where we are and why I feel so… how I do. Like a gambler, I suppose. It feels like playing roulette and betting 00 every time. There’s a 37 to 1 chance of it landing there; but you keep making the bet… certain that it will eventually pay off. But the less it pays off… and the more you see people putting money on “Black”… you start doubting your bet. And if you play that game every night at the casino, always betting 00… and every night, you lose… for years… you really want to at least investigate putting it all on black.

And I guess that’s where I am. After more than 8 years of betting on 00 at 37 to 1 odds… I know that putting it all on black has a 1 and 1/9 to 1 odds. I’d like to investigate that. But (and here’s where The Metaphor becomes Reality) the costs associated certainly give me pause. Do I really want to spend money on a dating app just to see if I have a chance at something healthier? Or is that a step too far? What’s more (that adds to my apprehension) is The Bot Factor. I realize far too well that Dating Sites employ bots in their scheme. Some auto-generated profile that says “I’m interested and want to talk” so that the desperate or needy will rush to pay for a subscription to “chat with someone interested” only to discover that one message sent was something like “This is an example message, like the kind you can certainly expect from more singles soon!”

So… yeah. That’s where I am today. Marriage Counseling on Saturday and honestly wrestling with “Do I want to pay for a dating site” today.