The Random One in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

All right folks, this is the random one. This is the “I’ve soaked in the sorrow of my community, my state, and my country for too long today. Time to do something, anything else.” Because I’ll be honest… and I know how bad this sounds:
My job is filled with darkness. My state is filled with cruelty. My country is being run by corrupt imbeciles who would rather make a buck than prevent catastrophe. My marriage truly feels like it is ending. In an effort to lose weight, my breakfast is “Banana and Water” and my lunch is “Yogurt, Diet Coke, and Water”, then I make my dinner less than 500 calories.

All of that adds up to an increased desire to drink. I mean… with so much darkness, and struggle, and bullshit everywhere… I would definitely prefer to sit in front of my TV, drink, wank, and play video games. And I know that isn’t “the healthiest attitude” and of course that is why I’m seeking individual therapy but… honestly. I was looking into Churches to attend, just to have the occasional possible positive interaction. The ELCA Lutheran church in my area? Meets every other Sunday. The communities here are so under populated that we can’t even get church services every week? WHAT?! And that’s me being in a community of 5,000 people. And that’s the 75th most populated town in Iowa!! (Seriously, even if you consider places like Clive or West Des Moines as their own cities and not as part of a Metro Area) Towns in Iowa bigger than 5k? Only 64. Out of more than 600 towns and cities. It is things like this that kind of make me realize why Iowa has become ever more red, ever more conservative, ever more hostile and reactionary. Our state is, really, ultimately, dying. Our collections of hundreds of different towns with a few thousand folks is dwindling. We aren’t small communities taking care of things anymore. We’re hundreds of population deserts that are dying out as the population gets older and the young (that can) get the hell out (and the young that can’t fall into crime or substance abuse). So… I understand that. But I still don’t forgive my fellow Iowans for their growing cruelty, apathy, and hostility. Instead of being a community that says, “We’re facing problems. That’s nothing new. We just need to find new solutions, try different things, and work to stay alive!” No. That isn’t what we’re doing. We’re doing the opposite. “We’re facing problems. That’s not our fault! We just need to make sure we keep doing what worked in the past. We need to keep people out, stop immigrants from getting into this country, and keep Iowa as white as we can.” As I speak with people… I genuinely don’t know if Steve King is going to be defeated next year. Honestly. It seems that my community, my county, my district, my entire state would rather believe in ‘rugged, boot strap fairy tales” than really look into what’s going on.

Folks… lack of innovation drives young people away. Lack of young people contributes to an aging population that has less workers, less consumers, and more health care costs. Not to mention lack of Mental Health focus typically robs the young people of opportunities to (get diagnosed, become stable contributing citizens, seek counseling to keep them stable contributing citizens) while also harming the aging population by making it more difficult to handle things like dementia, Alzheimers, or simply the process of aging. And don’t even get me started on the Immigration versus Robotics versus Culture debate. You can’t sit there saying you don’t want “fur’ners” in your state while knowing for DAMNED sure that the tax breaks your representative votes for is going to the Hog Farm Conglomerate that hires undocumented workers… and the Car Part Manufacturer that hires undocumented workers. Or Steve King’s own fucking farm where over 75% of the workers are undocumented. SO… NO. I can’t sit here and support your “fuck the immigrants” sentiment when the companies who are hiring them instead of you (and breaking the law in so doing) are NOT getting punished, are NOT getting sanctioned, and are instead getting TAX BREAKS. No, I don’t think I can support your xenophobia when you don’t see the Corporate influence as a problem. The other side of that coin is “No fur’ners” because they don’t “appreciate Iowa culture.” I would agree with this if there were still a strong Iowa culture here. The problem is? You can’t say “Staying home, not talking to the neighbors, watching your way of life die” is a culture. Iowa Nice still exists. Sweet Corn, the town Main Street, and County Fairs are still a thing. But if you’d rather watch your little place of 1,000 or so die as opposed to getting an influx of tax paying citizens that might revitalize your entire town?? Yeah. Maybe all of this deserves to die and be spoken of in the whispers of legend and myth. Because when “I’m angry and hateful and other people should pay for that” becomes an entire AREA’S mantra? Well then that area probably doesn’t deserve to keep going.

This one has been going around, but worth sharing:

Something else I’ve been thinking about:

I SHARE WEIGHT LOSS BEFORE/AFTER OFTEN, THESE MIGHT BE FAKE, THEY MIGHT NOT BE. BUT AS SOMEONE LITERALLY SPENDING TIME AND MONEY TO LOSE WEIGHT THESE DAYS, I AM HOPEFUL THAT THESE ARE REAL STORIES!

This may be interesting or just plain stupid but all things considered:
seeing the “super hot girls” on Chive actually kind of made me sad today. Because my wife, it seems, is willing to let her marriage end simply because she holds herself to some insanely hyperactive high standard that has completely poisoned her mind. Honest truth: If you came to me and promised me a healthy, sexually active relationship with my wife… or a few dates with a Chive Girl… I’d pick my wife. I’d pick my wife instantly, without thinking about it, without a moment’s hesitation. It just sucks that she’s… so self-obsessed in this way.

WIFE PRESENT DAY

WHEN WE GOT MARRIED

WIFE WHEN WE GOT ENGAGED

She’s beautiful. I know both of our minds work very differently but… I really have a hard time understanding someone who hates themselves so much that they won’t engage in their marriage. Or she’s too lazy. Or there’s something else going on. I think that’s the biggest challenge for me here. Always has been. The fact that I honestly can’t wrap my head around what has gone on and what is going on. “Wife, you have an attorney husband who loves you. Whose family loves you. Who have offered you resources otherwise unavailable to you. You can do anything with your life that you want to. And you’re going to throw it all away because you can’t bring yourself to say ‘I love you’ or have a healthy sexual relationship?” I… I’m not saying I’m a catch. I’m not saying I’m perfect. But I am saying that… my Wife allowing our marriage to die doesn’t make any rational sense to me. And because of that… yeah. I’m still probably holding out hope. Holding out hope that something will shake her into making a genuine, honest, sincere change. I just… I don’t know. The whole thing is just such a strange affair of mind and heart and spirit.