The Monday in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Juvenile Court.
Criminal Court.
I would definitely be doing better in these endeavors today were my heart not so heavy.
Lunch was a yogurt and some water. Made some calls for Individual Therapy. I’ve discovered the following:
Nobody is available. Nobody wants to work with me. Nobody thinks that the job of a therapist should include anything other than 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. scheduling. There is ONE last chance… one last place that MAY be able to work me in… that is 78 minutes away. That’s okay, man. I’ll do it. I’ll do a two hour round trip every week if it helps. Because… I’m dealing with a LOT of child abuse, sexual assault of children, domestic violence, and the apparent end of my marriage. I could use a little extra help, here.

Three things keep swimming in my mind right now.
(1) Where do I/we go from here? I have pretty much announced to my Wife that we’re headed for divorce and she is the only pilot that can right this craft… but I can’t teach her how to do that. So… do I start acting like she’s a guest in my home until she starts doing better… do I act like a guest in my home?
(2) The idea of not spending Christmas with her… of not being there for her 40th Birthday… that’s a really hard thing to grapple with. She’s been an important part of my life for almost 15 years. The idea that she just… won’t be there… because of her own decisions… that is a bitter pill to swallow indeed.
(3) I’m getting flashes of past future past darkness. Who I was and may be again. The guy who spends his time alternating between trying to be visible at coffee shops and trying to focus on video games. The guy who is practically begging everyone I know to set me up on a date since I’m so incapable of getting a date for myself. Me, dark rooms, music, movies, video games, alcohol, loneliness, sadness. What a great life to look forward to.

Maybe I’m exaggerating a bit but… definitely kind of feel like: