emotional poop in Second 1st

There has been no response to my message to the doctor last week. I’m suddenly not sure he (or his assistant) even look at it at all. I’ll probably have to stop by the office again today, after therapy this time, which is today at 11 instead of 1. Maybe speak with the Disability lady directly. I don’t know. Dr. has me back to work as of the 10th and being as I work weekends that means I would go to work Friday. I need to know what we are doing by then.... I’m still having motion sickness and nausea.... but if it’s PPPD it’s not really going to go anywhere. It’s going to be there a long long time.... so giving work a shot can’t really hurt. … except of course if I fall or get sent to medical for being drunk or have to run off to throw up…or whatever.

Got my Fitbit Surge back up and running. I was tracking steps to insure I was “doing more” i know at the end of the day I’m going to have a big upset as far as accuracy of the tracker I was using vs. the Surge. The Surge will be far more accurate and I’ll feel like I did way more than the tracker will show. I know that because the other one has been showing 5,000+ steps on days where I hardly do anything and 7,000 on days I go get something at the store.... I’m not taking 2,000+- steps getting milk.....

Nothing real interesting to type out. I am just anxious, as usual, to know where I stand. I hate not knowing. I just want to know one way or the other. Either suck it up where I’m at (physically/mentally) and go to work with nausea/headache/throwing up/dizzy.... whatever, hope Jerry will work with me and just let me do whatever job makes me the least sick all day.... go back to taking masking meds and just hope I don’t get sent home or know I have another period of time to work on it. I hate this… this whole thing.... all of it… from “I don’t feel so good” to forgetting something said 5 mins ago. From not feeling like I’m pulling my weight to not feeling like moving..... honestly, though I’d probably never type it out here.... most days I feel like things would be better off if I weren’t here. For sure I’ve become a burden. For sure Rocky is putting in more effort than he should have to at our age. I make myself small. I ask for as little as I have to. I try not to complain even when an off ramp on the interstate has me wanting to reach for an empty bag. I am soooo tired of therapy. Three times a day I spend 20 mins making myself sick. I then spend 3 hours trying to get back to okay only to get about an hour of älright” before doing it again. Only to find out PPPD....That there is no real hard explanation for why.... Meniere’s, though I will always have it, is vertigo.... the off balance dizziness is my brain being overly sensitive because I don’t like putting myself in situations in which I know I’m going to feel unwell.

My ear is pounding.... a slight headache is starting. Of course it is.... after all I did this morning’s therapy..... I won’t have to do it again till this afternoon because even though we don’t do the things at actual therapy… they are always testing something and sending me home with new things to do.... so it counts. Then there is the drive to the hospital and back.... that’s always lovely.... sigh obviously not in the best of moods this morning.