Let's Be Honest in 2014

I am very unlikely to catch up on every entry that anyone has written, so I apologize in advance for being self centered. I just can't, and all I can do is move forward from here and do my best to keep my promise to myself that I will stay up to date.

It was very hard on me having my family leave. I cried for 2 days before it even happened, and then cried for 4 days after they left. Not continuously, but here and there. My brother left jackets here and it still hurts when I see them, or the bottle of body wash my mom left in the shower.

My life is full here, and I am very happy, but let's be honest, I wish my family was here. I don't want to be where they are, I just simply want them here. Driving home from the airport fighting tears the whole way, I watched my kids laugh and dance in the rearview mirror and I was very much reminded that my life here is full and happy. My kids are fulfilled and they are obviously not unhappy. We passed the buildings my husband works in along the highway and I was filled with pride. My life here is full and happy. I've watched trees go from covered in frost and ice, to blooming tiny flowers, and finally sprouting bright green leaves in just a matter of weeks, something that just a year ago was only an idea to me. My life is full and happy here. And yet, when I am being honest, I just want my family here too.

My mom literally got off the plane in California, and immediately checked herself in to the hospital. She had a pretty bad infection in her foot, that her diabetes only intensified. it didn't help the feelings I had, but I am happy to report that although almost every sign was pointing at amputation, she is home and her foot is whole. She'll need surgery in a few months to remove a growth they found, but I will cross that bridge of anxiety when it comes.

Life here continues to be uncertain. The original plan after the loan fell through on the house we were supposed to be buying, was that we would try again this Summer. It's what we had counted on. But…. that seems very unlikely. Scott's mom is most likely moving here, and not into a home, but with Scott's dad. And we are just not willing to risk the uncertainty of all that comes with her around our children. So, we have to start planning how we would like OUR lives to be from this point forward. And let's be honest, I am probably most definitely happier with that.

In addition to our housing plans changing, we will also need to make a decision about child care. We have had victories in the diaper department. Scott's dad started changing Ian and I have no more worries there, but with his mom entering the picture, there is no way I am leaving Ian with them during the day when I am at work. It puts the decision of whether I keep working back in the forefront. Especially with Summer break approaching because I will also need childcare for Salem.

By total miracle of prayer I am managing to remain sleeping at night time. I honestly have so much going on in my brain, I should be wide awake. But I'm not thank God. Scott's job is still too new for us to honestly predict how much more money we can expect him to be bringing in. For now he is making his minimum commission, and making calls off the crappy lead list at work. That is supposed to change in a few weeks. Every newbie starts off with the bad ones until their boss decides that they are ready to move forward. His boss told him last week he will be moved to the good ones at the beginning of the month. I feel bad for him, because he had such high expectations for himself, and while he is making sales, he isn't doing what he thought he would be at this point. We are just believing God for bigger and better things.

I don't feel loved lately. Not the way I should. I know my family loves me, but I feel like a fixture, not a priority. I don't know how to approach it or explain it. I am afraid it is just in my head and I feel needy because of how emotional I have been. Let's be honest, I am afraid to say anything to my husband and rock the boat.

Off to Target with the kiddos!