Masterpiece in Current Events

Music doesn’t stir up my insides the way that it used to. I used to have a playlist for every occasion. I was so passionate about it. I couldn’t do anything without my music playing. I heard that as we age our tastes in trends get stuck and we get left behind. I noticed that today’s music doesn’t touch me. I don’t know if that is age-related or if it is because of my depression. However, when a song hits me it hits me good. Lewis Capaldi’s Someone You Loved has me feeling some type of way today. I have the house to myself and I have it on repeat. I’m belting along, drinking my Sunday wine and I feel alive. Finally. I was scrolling through my feed on Instagram and this kid’s cover of it caught my attention. Stefan is so talented and I hope that this kid makes it big. There is more distortion in the vocals from the original song, which is my fav, but I love the tone and control this kid has when he goes from his chest voice to his head voice (just trying to sound like I know what I am talking about lol). I love covers because the artist doesn’t usually know to rest their voice. They stay at 100 and it just feels so raw. That makes me feel… vulnerable? I love when art makes me feel vulnerable. I’m not an expert in absolutely anything but I love it when something stirs up my insides. Music, film, television, paintings, fashion, books, dancing… etc. Even drag! Manila Luzon from RuPaul’s Drag Race makes me feel so vulnerable. When you can feel the passion somebody put into something it doesn’t need words. If that makes sense. I like when it makes me think or makes me feel. It’s like, one can’t do that unless you turn a sound into an image and an image into words and a story into a reflection etc. We’re like a filter. We’re just input/output. I don’t even know what I am trying to say anymore. My wine is strong today. I just… feel a need to express myself lately. To pour my heart out. I’m not good at anything but I don’t care. I used to write poems, sing-along to tunes and I’d make a cringy paintings:

I can’t remember what I wanted to accomplish with this entry… right! lol K! I think that I made my mind up about getting my hair done. If I was, to be honest with myself, I want a makeover. I’m just scared about doing it. Growing my hair out was such a long journey.

If I was to be honest with myself, I desire the cut in the video below and I want to add a silver streak a lot like Stefan’s in the video above. Manila Luzon inspired that. I think that I will call the barber at the mall tomorrow. Get in there and get the cut. Following that I want to walk over to a salon and ask about the cost of getting one stupid silver streak. Then the cost of getting those roots touched up. Then I will think about if clouring my hair is worth it. I could just learn how to do it myself actually… I think that this little makeover will make me feel confident about making bolder choices in my life. Yes, I know that the little joke is that gays cut and dye their hair after every inconvenience. #NewHairDon’tCar #NewHairNewMe. I dunno though. I’m on the fence lol.

I think that I will go for a little walk after this entry and then clean my paintbrushes and get a little arted tonight. I have the house to myself. Just me, my boxed wine and a new playlist. I’m kind of feeling like these lame lyrics to Jessie J’s song Masterpiece: I still fall on my face sometimes and I can’t colour inside the lines coz I’m perfectly incomplete. I’m still working on my masterpiece.

I have been trying to not let my insecurities get to me. The texture of my skin has improved quite a bit but I can’t let go of what that woman said when I went in to ask about subcision. “The first thing that we need to fix are your expectations! An acne scar is a scar and a scar is a scar, it doesn’t go away. We can do things to reduce its appearance but it will always be there. That is why it is called a scar. You will always have those acne scars.” So my best option was something called a drill and fill and the results would only last 18 months and cost me about 2k. Ugh. iDied. I feel like I have a deformity. The oil that I bought for my face that is infused with 24k gold is actually amazing! It feels awful! It’s heavy and slimy as fuck but it reflects light and my skin looks amazing. It looks like one complexion and the texture is harder to notice. Also, thank god for Facetune! I just wish that I had filters in real life. I’m still not ready to return to social media. My fitness goals are on the way also, slowly. I do fantasize about getting some other augmentations on my face. Of course, good looks are not built to last. I have… barely 20 years left before my body is done trying to show a youthful glow? If I’m even lucky.

Sorry about the watermarks in these images, the website that I used to use to host images just changed their terms and conditions. I just noticed that they also deleted absolutely everything from before they forced me to “upgrade”. Good thing OpenDiary is dead. I used to make layouts on that site and I had a lot of images linked to Photobucket lol. ugh. I should be apologizing for this whole entire entry actually. The drunken mess of it all.

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Last updated September 02, 2019