The Past is Prologue in Ultimate Randomness

So this is probably going to be the first of three entries tonight. Honestly, it will probably be pretty short just because I plan on having three of these tonight. So I just got home from work not too long ago, took a nice long shower, and spent most of the time thinking about just how bad things have gotten, and how bad things have really been all along. The fact is that, right now, I am going to be lucky to get through this semester. It is not going well. And it isn't because I am not capable of the work or understanding the material. I am able. I am smart enough to understand everything that is thrown at me. The problem is I have no focus. I cannot stop thinking about my personal life for more than a few minutes, maybe an hour, at a time. All of my professors see it, and as I have addressed the situation with them, they all seem to understand why I am so unfocused. Of course, they want me to get myself right and succeed. It is the same thing I want. I just don't know how I can do it in a way that I can do with my life. Now, the last time I had a break-up, I went camping for three days by myself and spent the whole time reading and writing by my campfire. That relationship had lasted less than a year. So if I extrapolate, that means I should need about a month camping by myself to get over this one. Yeah, that won't happen. Another thing that might work is finding someone who is interested in me, will understand my situation, is willing to take their time with me to build up my trust, which because of my marriage is severely lacking when it comes to women and relationships (no offense to my readers, but if you have been following me, I'm sure you can understand my trust issues), and is the kind of person I deserve and hopefully she feels like I am worthy of her. But ultimately, even if that happens, it won't be anytime soon. If there is anything I have learned from advance math, it is that there are usually a dozen ways to prove something to someone. So I have two methods that are not feasible, but I am still looking for the next method. I am blank on how to get myself right in time to do something about this semester. I have to try, but I am not sure I can succeed. I also don't know if I am going to make it to the graduation living in this house. Honestly, I don't know if I can make it to the summer or past it. This just isn't home anymore. It is the house I live in, but there is nothing but bad feelings here. I can't even go into the bedroom my wife stays in without damn near having an anxiety attack. As for the things I brought to our marriage that are in there: the bunk beds, the dressers, and my old TV. As for those, I don't want them when I move out. I could never use them again. So those are gone. When it comes down to it, I am afraid. I am afraid of staying and I am afraid of going. Both options suck. I just wish I could be happy. If I was happy, I could do my work no problem. I wouldn't be so afraid. I just don't know how to get there. Everyone tells me I will and that I will find someone, but if I can't believe it, will it happen? I just really don't know. I want to believe that good things happen to good people. I want to believe I can love someone again. I want to believe that this story ends well for me. I want to, but it is going to take alot of blind faith, which I just don't have. I believe proof. I believe in experience. And those things tell me that what I am is not what women want. Experience tells me that even if a woman becomes interested in me, it won't last and ultimately, she will hurt me. Experience tells me what every rejection has told me: that I am not good enough to get what I want in life. I really wish I could believe, just this once...