Desires in Current Events

I realized something the other day. I miss making people laugh. I miss being around people. I need to get out and socialize but not with my current group of lame friends. If I was brave enough I could just go to a meet and greet. I’m sure there are groups of like-minded people like me. I would be nervous as fuck on the way there but I would charm the hell out of everyone by the end of the day. I am marvellous once I get out of my shell.

I kept waking up last night. I had some interesting dreams. The first one is a little naughty and cheeky. Yesterday, I remembered a local guy that I used to follow on my Instagram named Michael Walker. He has over 200k followers so he basically has celebrity status in my city’s little gay scene. A scene that I am absent from. Grindr is my only connection to the LGBT community. I live a pretty sad existence, I know. Anyways, he is so popular because he is a big THOT (that ho over there). He displays his bare booty all over IG. It really is nice to look at. I am pretty sure that he Factunes his ass to look even bigger than it actually is. I remembered last night that he has a MyOnlyFans account. A Fansonly account is a place where social media influencers go to post raunchy content for their fans, who have to pay for their subscriptions to unlock their content. I was curious about it and I found out that his content was available on PornHub. I was pretty gagged, not gonna lie. So then I had a dream about him. A photographer wanted me to model for him and then he invited Michael and then talked us into doing nudes. Michael and I were professional about it. I woke up flustered thinking about how the world was going to have access to seeing me naked. I was never a fashion model but I’ve had photographers want to play around with their equipment and whatever so I’ve done that much. I was never asked to undress however lol. I didn’t need to be gay for pay.

The second dream was a little boring but it felt important. I was a new employee at a really old hotel in Banff Alberta. My sister has told me multiple times that hotels in Banff are in dire need of employees so they are offering to house anybody willing to move out there, allegedly. That is an opportunity I don’t think I want to jump on even though it would be quite the adventure. The exact kind of adventure that I have been longing for. My mind likes to talk me out of everything so I’ve already told myself that it is expensive to live out there. Also, I hate winter driving more than life itself and I don’t want to live in an area where I have to depend on a vehicle… and I don’t ever want to ever depend on driving on a highway ever. Yuck.

I was thinking about my fitness goals a little bit yesterday. I feel like am failing miserably, I don’t do what I need to do to get the results that I want to have… I also need a bigger vocabulary. I learned that there is a dark side to the physique that I want. A YouTuber was talking about it all. He is cut, shredded, lean, whatever you want to call it and I know that it requires one to stay in a caloric deficit but I didn’t think about any of the side effects, which are intimidating. My biggest threat would be the potential for developing an eating disorder. My macros would develop into an obsession for sure. I am, however, finally getting the ab development that I wanted. If I flex hard enough I can get them to be a little more photogenic. What an unhealthy goal to have eh? I mean, I am getting results everywhere I just… feel far away from what I want still. However, I learned that I have been sabotaging my progress by overworking. I actually take rest days now so… I got 4lbs worth of gains to show for it. Derp.

I am heavily considering getting a haircut. A makeover? I wanted to grow my hair out for years now and I am not liking how it looks anymore. It’s grown back to my clavicle but it just gets weighed down and flat and stringy and I look awful after a couple of hours so I just throw it up. Then the sideburn area is wack so I look cracked out even when I put my hair up. I can’t even wear a hat because of the sideburn area. It’s been a 3.5-year journey and I am another year away from the length that I want so I don’t want to give up. Had that hairdresser not fucked up that one and only trim in December I would be right where I wanted to be. At least those dead ends are gone. If I do get my hair did I will look sexy fresh and perhaps more employable? My resume says that I am well-presented but I know that a messy manbun doesn’t count. It’s just that it would always take a week to learn to love a fresh cut. Or at least accept it. I always give the barber one stipulation and they always fuck it up. Then I have to go back every couple of weeks to get it touched up. I’m too minimalist for that now lol. If I do fall in love with a new look I might be more confident. It would be like a breakover. It’s every gay man’s reaction to anything, allegedly. I dunno what I want to do.

So yes, I always said that I wanted to aim for a hotel for my next shitty job. I passed up an opportunity a couple of weeks ago. I just didn’t like the hours. Now that I think about it, I used to be one the employer side. I recruited and staffed a store so I know how it works. The employer never wants to promise anybody full-time. They want to hire people part-time but want them to have full-time availability so they can use them to patch up all the loose ends. Also to cover the full-time people who always call in sick. So part-time people who always beg for more hours would have to pay their dues… which they rarely do. They never come in when you call them and then they will turn around and cry about not getting enough hours. Like, just cancel some plans bitch. They’re always saying shit like”Instead of calling me in for more shifts just schedule me for more shifts like… duh. Management is just soooo stupid.” Fuck I hated when employees would say that. There are always those people who act like they’re too good for the job. They clearly don’t want to be there and they don’t have any respect for the work. I flushed them out so fast. The most annoying answer I would get in an interviewer was this:
So why are you interested in working here?
Cuz like, I need a job…???
It was only ever men that would give me that answer. Like, they’re just so entitled to the position they applied for. Their resumes were always so extensive too. 6 jobs in 2 years?
So what is the reason you left your last employer?
I wasn’t getting any hours cuz like, they’re so stupid.
That said everything right there. They were not valuable employees at all.

Anyways, the moral of the story is that I need to apply for positions with shitty hours and just pay my dues. I need to get a makeover to be more confident and professional looking. I need to make my way to a gym to reach my fitness goals. I need to think about if I want to look for work in a new city. I need to smash that Instawhore. I need to make new friends that do things and actually invite me places.