Regrets in Current Events

It actually takes a lot of work for me to be cool, calm and collected because my default setting for so long was cross, crass and chaotic. I experienced everything so intensely and I was very reactive instead of proactive. My thoughts and behaviours were just toxic. One day I decided that I did not wat to accept that about myself. My mind is a filter and what I was producing for so long was negativity. I was always the victim, life was always just happening to me and I was too damn short-sighted to see myself outside of dramas and upsets. I am not powerless, I can make better choices and if I try really really hard I can produce good positive thoughts and behaviours. So far, so good. I have a long way to go and it’s never going to be perfect but at the end and start of the day, it is worth it.

Today, however, I say fuck it. Fuck it bone dry with something hard and sandpapery. I want to air some of it out. I just want to trip out… but just a little bit.

The start of the day is important to me. How I ready my mind and body will determine my performance and my experience for the rest of the day. I’ve been unemployed for four months now and I can’t seem to find a way to wake up at a decent hour and care about anything. I set my alarm but I always hit snooze or turn it off. My first decision every morning is to quit. I start quitting for the rest of the day or just lack any motivation to start something. My hopes & dreams are not dead but have I done anything to bring myself closer to them? No! I completely wasted these last four months. I don’t want to play the victim or blame the world but it’s so hard! I was completely discombobulated right after I lost my job. Had I figured out what my goals were sooner I could have completed some summer courses. I need to up my highschool grades and get a couple more credits before I can apply at the university I want. I just missed an opportunity here, I could have gone to school full-time this summer to get a head start. Now I have to live with this tiny bit of regret.

After I wrote that entry last night my mind saw the bigger picture and it freaked me out! I was watching a show and it casually mentioned that the average retirement age is 65. My mother is retiring at 55, in just a couple of years. I’m happy for her! It’s just that… in my twenties, I failed to imagine my life in my thirties. I assumed that I wouldn’t live that long. I know that sounds morbid but I just wanted to live like life was short! I ate whatever I wanted, drank whatever I wanted, bought whatever I wanted and never gave my future much thought. I stayed at the same dead-end job for 13 years. I assumed that I would pursue a career one day but everything was just… one day. Now I’m 33. I’ll be 34, maybe 35 when I acquire the prerequisites to get into university. I’ll be 37-38 when I graduate with a degree in nutrition that I want. I’ll be 39 when I get the license to be a dietician. I’ll be about 40 when I finally get into the career that I want. I’ll be 53 if I do that job for 13 years like I did the last one. Will I even get approved for a mortgage at 40? I’ll have to work until I’m 70 to pay it off. Is thirty years enough time to even make enough so that I can retire? What have I even been doing with my life up until this point!? I wasted so much time and I have nothing to show for it. I have not gotten anything that I wanted out of life. I have to live with this regret also.

Then if I even live to be 70, the year will be 2056. Already in 2019, the reefs in the oceans are almost extinct, they give us 50-85% of our planet’s oxygen. 40% of the rainforest was already deforested and now they are burning it down even more to make room to plant grass and grains and make room for livestock to keep meat cheap for carnists. That rainforest produces 5-20% of our planet’s oxygen. There will be over 9 billion people on this planet by 2050, what are we even going to breathe? The rainforest benefits all of humanity but it’s not like Brazil was making any money for it so why not do what the rest of the world is already doing? Capitalize. Will science be allowed to save us by 2050? Like, saving the planet is not exactly profitable and nobody wants to actually make any changes to their lives anyway so… But in my mind, maybe we will have vertical hydroponic farms or maybe we will be growing crops on other planets? If the governments of the world don’t start culling humans. God my mind goes to dark places when I think about the future of the planet.

I just feel freaked out and hopeless in general. Like, I have just been so wasteful with my life. I always wanted this time off so that I could write my novel. That I could start painting again. So that I would have some time to strengthen my relationships with people. To explore or travel. To build my self-esteem and to face some of my fears. I did none of that. It’s not too late for me but I just… can’t process anything right now without turning it into something shitty. Which makes me feel shitty. Everything today is just shit. I don’t know how to make anything be better or feel better. I want to just go back to pretending like nothing bad is happening to me or to the world and just live my life one day at a time, paycheck to paycheck and not think about the future or about any consequences. Did you know that us western folk misuse the word karma? It’s not a “what goes around comes around” kind of concept. It just means that “life is what you make it.” That is why I don’t want to be a person with negative thoughts and actions. My life will look and feel shitty. I can use the faculties of my mind better and create positive thoughts and behaviours and my life will look brighter and I feel happier. I’ve hit rock bottom here but I came into this world with nothing and I will leave this world with nothing. I don’t want to attach myself to too many people, places and things. Only to the things that add value to my life. Looking at my life as rock bottom would not add value to me. I have other thoughts and behaviours that I need to let go of also, they do not add value to my life. They hold me down. I am literally making NO SENSE… and no cents lol.

My biggest struggle is confidence. I am pretty fearful about the choices I that want to make so I don’t make them. I suppose that is my mind’s way of protecting itself from the pain of making changes. I just want to hide inside and shrink my surroundings so that I can feel safe. That sums up everything that I have been doing the last four months. I could probably even say in the last 33 years. I want to look back at all of it one day and be proud of everything. I do have a lot to be proud of, I have had a lot to overcome in my life and I feel that I did it with a lot of dignity and grace. I think that is why my spirit animal is the deer. I think what I am lacking here is courage. Not confidence. Bravery is when you do something fearless. Courage is when you do something fearful. I think I have been waiting around to be fearless instead of trying to just push through it all as far as I can. Maybe when I see people with a lot of confidence, they are just people with a lot of courage? I don’t know what I am saying anymore. I am all over the place here.

*The meanings associated with the deer combine both soft, gentle qualities with strength and determination:

Gentleness
Ability to move through life and obstacles with grace
Being in touch with the inner child, innocence
Being sensitive and intuitive
Vigilance, ability to change directions quickly
Magical ability to regenerate, being in touch with life’s mysteries*

I think that I need to stop typing now. I feel a little better. I am going to go for a walk in the rain and collect myself here. Then start thinking long and hard about becoming courageous so that I can just do the things that will advance me in life already. Insecurities come from a dumb idea that we have all the time in the world! We don’t. We can’t afford the time to be so afraid. I only have another “32 earning years” if I don’t want to work myself to death. I want a retirement in my future. I want to be fit and healthy enough to enjoy it too. I’m just wasting so much time.