Gallows Talk in The eye of every storm

Friday

Each day we’re presented with choices, some miniscule such as, “Should I eat breakfast today,” and some more complex, dealing with relationships, finances, or dealing with something we don’t want to face. Decisions are something I’ve rolled my eyes towards because with great ease I can make the wrong choices.

I’ve found through my drinking I did not want to make decisions. Fueled by avoidance, I never wanted to face a problem head on, typically when both choices involved something terrible and something worse than terrible. It was much easier to go sit with my friends, watch the Cubs, and pretend the choice wasn’t there. Like a child with fingers shoved in it’s ears, day in and day out I told the universe three simple words: I’m not listening.

Life has a funny way of getting your attention. The universe reacted, of course, and did everything possible to get my attention. It took our beloved Dr. John Watson. My wife was in a terrible car accident. Most of my friends washed their hands of me. Yet adamently I refused to make better, healthy decisions, as I believed I had no viable options.

I mentally checked out of my own Smackdown Hotel. The place went to shit without me present. Dirty laundry piled up in every dark recess of thought. Things stopped working, like my marriage, my sense of self-worth. The place was falling apart.

Ya know, when Katrina told me to go get help, “or else,” I am not sure if I really wanted the help where I was. The place was nice, a ranch on a sprawling Texas hillside overlooking a forest and a pond, chefs cooked three amazing meals per day, and the beds we’re tempurpedics. But at the time I wasn’t there for me, I was there for her.

The “or else” came anyway. It was sudden, abrupt, and unexpected. A man of consequence, I thought if I did A (go) then B (her staying) was to follow. During one family therapy phone session, almost at the end, the seperation was nonchalantly tossed in towards the end of a three-way phone call. I wasn’t sure what had just happened. My therapist was definitely caught off guard. And then the phone call was over.

At that point I had a choice: if the “or else” came anyway, then what the fuck was I doing this for, and I’d just check myself out and go. Or, I now that I had nothing, I could invest myself into this and see how it truly works. Remember when we started about decisions? This was a hard one, but I stayed, and it was a great choice.

It was truly one of the first great choices I’d made in several years. It’s amazing how quickly the script flipped. The universe paid close attention and suddenly, I found decisions easier to make, and true joy had returned. I know it’s strange, joy? during a seperation? Yes. I can’t explain it.

Decisions are still hard for me to wrap my head around. They’re a source of great stress, but they’re becoming easier to make the more grounded I am becoming in life. Should I go to this sober-living place? Yup. Should I continue some sort of treatment after? Yup. Come off my blood pressure medication? Doctor said it was cool, so yeah.

Those are small, but I’ve made some big ones as well, and I’m not quite ready to elaborate on them yet. I know I’ve been pretty transparent, but much of this is daily meditations and thoughts and sort of surface level. Sorry. Some of these I’ve got to play close for a little bit, and they will work out alright, and I’ll be better for them, but the reveal may take a hot minute.

Today I’m going to make great decisions, small and large. The more I practice the easier they become manageable. I know it sounds ludicrous, but I’ve struggled with this for so long, and I’m ready to un-yolk myself from this burden and let cards fall where they may. While writing this I’ve already made a healthy choice: I’m going to let my Lawyer dude handle this $10-14k insurance money LFG refuses to pay me instead of calling them, blessing their little hearts from heaven to hell, and letting them have it.

Trust me, I WANT to do that, because I am human and anger is a valid emotion to have, but I’m not going to ACT on that desire because there is no resolution or growth resulting from the action.

See? Easy. Now what do I want for breakfast?

Last updated August 23, 2019