I've Seen It All in Current Events

I woke up to a text from my mother. It was a screenshot of a post my brother wrote about me on Facebook. I deactivated my account 11 months ago so I suppose that this is the only way that I will see it. Forgive his spelling:
My brother fought so much bullying in school growing up vs sexuality and everything he was going through and having a beer makes me want to tear to this day. Look up to you my brother love you. So grown to this day. Your the best and love you no brother better then you! Distance will let our love be known. Love you bro
Then he posted a video of an Evanescence song that I used to listen to lol.

I am a little embarrassed, not gonna lie. I don’t like people knowing my business. I don’t act witty for people to get to know me. I appreciate the sentiment though and I am not offended. I will have to reach out to him later. He moved to BC years ago and I regret that I didn’t think to go out and see him this summer after I was let go from my job four months ago (to this day). I had the funds then. Honestly, he is the one that I am proud of. He was a mess. He fell into the wrong crowd and he got into some heavy shit but he turned his life around. He took down a predator that used to sexually assault him and his friends. It took a couple of years but that predator is finally behind bars. My brother moved to BC to get some distance from those memories. He is clean out there. While I’m on the phone with him later I’ll ask him about my son. I took my cousin in a few years ago so that he could graduate, I call him my son lol. He ran away from home because of his mother’s abusive boyfriend. He since then has moved to BC with my brother but now they live completely separate lives out there so I don’t know what he’s been up to. I suppose that I would know if I had social media… or kept in touch with people. I am going to be perfectly honest, I kind of want to move to a new city myself. I don’t know if I want to live in BC but maybe somewhere in Alberta. I know that it’s expensive to live anywhere outside of the prairies but… my roots here are not that deep.

It’s been exactly four months since I was fired. I want to say that the time flew by but it didn’t. I know that I need to be applying myself better in trying to find work but I just can’t bring myself to do so. I don’t exactly understand what exactly is holding me back. I experience a lot of fear and doubt, yes but I don’t know where that is coming from. I should just bite the bullet and throw caution to the wind and just land another shitty job and work to death. I was always so confident about my resume but that changed when I decided that I don’t want to do the same line of work as before. Working in restaurants suck. Being management sucks even worse but that is all the experience that I have so… now I’m not that confident about my resume.

Then I think about my future. Can I even get a mortgage at my age? I’ll probably be closer to forty by the time I graduate from the faculty at the university that I want to apply to. Assuming I ever get around to it. Then another year or two before I save up enough for a house. I’ll be middle-aged, starting a new career and I’ll only be one income so will I even get approved for a 25-year long mortgage? I would rather just envision myself living my dream life without that crippling fear of how hard it is going to be to get there. I could literally just work crappy jobs until I die with a lot of unfulfilled dreams… at least I’d feel safe right? Blah! I need to get out of my head… no! What I need is to dive deep into my head and clean that all out. There is no shortcut to a dream and I need to find a way to face my fears so that I can advance my life forward. I’m too comfortable being unemployed right now. That is my problem. iThink