Scarlet in Current Events

I am thinking about finding me a nice new shade of lipstick. Scarlet? I want to at least look pretty when my anxiety and depression gang bang me.

I haven’t had anything to say the last few days. After my anxiety flared up my depression decided to have a turn. I’m not in my head one bit, which is probably the problem. Ok I am in my head a little bit. I wanted some time and space to figure things out and the universe manifested that for me but I can’t focus on anything. My mind is like a hundred triggered millennials going off in a comment section. It’s been hard to will myself to do anything. When I do anything I just get so mad at it. I’ll be eating a sandwich and just be fuming about it. like, why do I have to be hungry right now? I have things that I would rather do than fucking eat.

I’ve had it, officially, with my body. I don’t have the patience to deal with my shit. Literally. Is there something wrong with my coding? Why must I feel as though I need to #1 and #2 all day long. I get that it’s probably nerves but I just can’t cope with it anymore. I want to trade this body in for a new one please. I’ve been mixing up concoctions from the internet to make natural laxatives in a desperate attempt to get rid of this distention once and for all but that did not make anything better. Now I’m just getting contractions? I haven’t even tried on the clothes that I ordered online yet. It’s been a week and I just refuse to put them on while I am starting to look skinny fat. My sister made a comment about my stomach the other day, I was too dead inside to clap back or explain that my body has given up on digestion. I’m about ready to just quit eating but literally I will collapse if I try and fast. I won’t even last one day because my metabolism is too demanding. Something is out of wack with me and I feel like all of my problems are just the symptoms of one issue. Maybe I really am one of those holistic hippies now? I did just rush out of the house yesterday to buy a jade roller and some essential oils… omg when did I become dat bitch?

I’ve been legit ignoring all of my problems. Every insignificant little goal, hope & dream is on the back burner. No they’re not even on that burner. They’re in the fucking pantry. They’re still just ingredients because I don’t have the recipe… I only know the recipe to disaster by heart. I will write a cookbook titled “Recipes for Disaster”. It will feature all the choices that I’ve made and how they added up to trouble.

I just feel lost. Can I even say that? I know where I’ve been, I know where I am and I know where I want to go. I just can’t move.