P.R.F. Prosebox 8/20/2019 in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Good morning, good afternoon, or good evening; you’re joining us here at P.R.F. Prosebox this entry being put forth on Tuesday, August Twentieth, Two Thousand Nineteen.

The last 16 hours have been interesting. When I got home, Wife and Nala had returned which made me happy. I don’t feel loved by my wife and our relationship is almost entirely celibate… but I don’t do well when completely alone in my house. I’m the kind of person that needs to be present for others… if my only motivation is “keep going for yourself” then I’m a lot more tempted to bail. CK is an asshole, why would I bust my ass for that guy? But you put Wife and/or puppy in the situation… then yeah. I need to step up my game to try to make their lives better. Then due to my body pain issues, I spent a solid 95 minutes in the hydro therapy tub trying to let my body feel better. It was.. good, not great. It loosened me up a lot but there was still considerable pain in the neck, back, and legs. But of course there was. I honestly don’t think my body has ever not been in pain on some level and that’s just something to deal with. After my soak, I ate dinner with the Wife and sat with her in the living room for a bit. Decided since sleep had been such a problem the night before, I’d head to bed early. Drifted in and out of sleep until about 2:00 a.m. Woke up and definitely couldn’t get back to sleep. Considered the following: (1) I had not successfully had an orgasm in at least 5 days; (2) I had not played video games that day. SO I sauntered downstairs and took care of both of those issues. I know this is not my adult book but it shocks and saddens me how I react to sexual situations being depicted. Like… the woman in the production acted as though she was actually interested in sex and even took steps to actively entice the man and I thought, “Wouldn’t it be wild if women were actually like that?” Like what, dude… there ARE women in this world that actually want to engage in sex… there actually ARE women in this world that are curious about turning on their partners and wish to do so… there actually ARE women in this world that do want to give blow jobs or ride someone. Then I saw an Adult Actress that reminded me strongly of a more slutty version of a good friend of mine in High School (Nyx Brooklyn). After playing video games and bringing myself to completion twice, I returned to my bed where I promptly fell asleep. Until the loud crash of lightning hit that sounded like it came from JUST OUTSIDE my bedroom window. Loud enough to shake the house and wake me up. At which point I see Nala on the bed freaking out a little and Wife trying to pet her and calm her down. I join in with that, attempting to calm the puppy and when she’s suitably calm, I go back to sleep. I woke up late but got to work relatively on time. At work? Three hearings. One that is stupid and shouldn’t happen but may anyway. One that is stupid and just poorly thought out. And one that isn’t even going to technically happen anyway. And that’s my day. Now, I like that my day isn’t busy as all hell… but honestly, when my days pretty much “don’t matter”… that isn’t a great place to be for me. I would much prefer at least one thing a day really make me feel alive… really count to existence (mine or someone else). Or what was the point of leaving my house at all?

No other therapists have gotten back to me yet. Not surprised, really. I’ll give them some more time. I’ll wait until the end of the month before I really start pressing places about scheduling and availability. Because whether my marriage is salvageable or not… I want to live a healthier life. Also why I think I’ll be signing up with Noom here this week. If I can get myself to a weight I’m happier with… and my life is still devoid of love, affection, and sex… then I’m fairly certain I’d be able to find it elsewhere. Not that I’m saying my potential divorce or no divorce rests of if I am feeling attractive. But I am saying that I’d be less worried about the decision if I felt more attractive.