Angels on the Moon in Current Events

It became obvious what my problem is, it hit me yesterday while I was getting ready to head out. Anxiety. My mind is not experiencing anxiety, my body is. I like to take the edge off of life with a glass of wine or two during an evening but because I have decided to take a break from alcohol I suppose that my anxiety had nothing better to do? Inadvertently I might have been “medicating” myself with alcohol and now that I am on a cleanse my demons have come out to play if that makes sense? Just as I recognized everything that was going on with me I started to have another attack. It is so weird because my mind if not anxious one bit.

I was going to call my pharmacist to see if my prescription for my anti-anxiety medication was still available. I kind of quit on my own. Then I remembered that I was also taking anti-depressants at that time also so I will make a smart choice, finally, and call my doctor about getting me on a prescription. I feel a little defeated because I was so proud to be doing so well without the medication but it’s okay. I can come off them again one day.

When my anxiety first manifested like this when I was in my early twenties I didn’t understand what was happening to my body. I was so freaked out. I quit smoking, quit coffee, quit junk food (not permanently) because I just didn’t know what else to do. Then an EKG, X-ray and some blood work later my doctor told me that I have an anxiety disorder. I told my mother that and she was like “oh yeah, your father had that.” And I was like “k… Thanks for the warning!” I had moved out and on my own during that time so it was only natural that I would develop a little bit of anxiety. It calmed down for a few years. It came back during the Roarke & Tyler & Justin sagas of my life and I was not managing it well at all. I discovered that it was more comfortable to be hungry than to feel all those knots in my stomach. I lost so much weight during my nervous breakdown. I hid it all under layers and layers of fabulous clothes. That was only five years ago.

Eventually, I got medicated and I created more structure for myself and I decided to become more proactive with my life and my anxiety, depression and I lived happily ever after. The End. Jk, obv not. Before last Tuesday I was super stressed because I was almost out of money. Then I went to the bank last Tuesday and I transferred some of my retirement savings into my chequing account and bought myself a few more months of time to find employment. The other day I remember feeling stressed about not feeling stressed. It’s like right after I secured myself financially for a bit I seem to think that I am on holiday again. I have no direction, I am not goal orientated. I’m hiding from my problems again. As my anxiety started to creep in I slowly started to eat less because being hungry is more comfortable and I didn’t even notice that was all happening.

So yesterday I went to the grocery store and bought a lot of produce. I used to pack salads and all those healthy foods for my lunches because it was like a trap, I had nothing else to eat so that was my way of forcing myself to eat “healthy”. I’ve been unemployed so I haven’t been eating as balanced as I could be. I started to meal prep last night. I made some blueberry lemon bites & frozen coconut yogurt breakfast bars. Today I am making some dips and spreads so I can assemble quick & easy snacks between meals. I’m making chilli and rice that I can have as a side dish, in a wrap or in a stuffed pepper. I have a veg stock going right now because I am going to make focaccia and minestrone for supper. I need to force myself to eat but I have to make sure that I have things available.

I grabbed my day planner, I have to write every step down so that I can cross it off. Get my mind goal-orientated again. I can’t let myself get too comfortable staying unemployed for another four months. Avoiding things is what causes me to get anxious. It’s unprocessed feelings that I believe causes anxiety and depression. I don’t like to leave things unchecked but I’m only human and some things feel a lot bigger than me so I hide them from myself. That’s like burying radioactive waste. It’s toxic and eventually, it can leak into the soil and poison everything.

I’ve been saying that things in my life like to manifest this year. I had this epiphany right before I met up with Bev who offered to teach me how to meditate better and how to do yoga. Like, what have I got to lose? She’s even going to make me a bracelet with healing stones and with an OM pendant because I am not granola enough. Even though exercise is good for managing stress and anxiety I need to take a small break from that. I need to get my nutrition in check first. I’ll at least go for long walks, that shouldn’t hurt.

Anyways, here is a random 2000’s song that I rediscovered. The 2000’s is MY throwback.

This song was released in 2008. In 2008 I was 22. My username was Manorexic on Myspace AND on OpenDiary. Manorexia is what I called my dating disorder lol. I was driving a 1991 Dynasty that had a broken handle so I had to pull on a string to open my car door from the inside. I was living in a cheap bachelor apartment by myself and I was working full-time at my old job and I was also enrolled at an adult-ed centre and completing my high school degree. My friends were all graduating from university with degrees that they will never use. I was at the clubs every other weekend, I was living paycheck to paycheck and I thought that adulting was so shitty but so amazing at the same time. I was obsessed with skinny jeans, all star converse, emo hair & black eyeshadow. I was that chain smoking twink who thought he was a ten after he discovered eyeliner lol. Ugh, it will be another year before I realize that I am not all that in a bag of potato chips and I stopped being a cunty queen to people… For the most part lol

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Last updated August 14, 2019