The Death of BIGGAYDAN. in The Official BIGGAYDAN Archive.

Well, I wasn’t expecting to write this, but I have a spark of inspiration, so here we are. Longtime readers will remember the character of BIGGAYDAN. I’ll skip the backstory of how I came up with the character, though you’re free to ask and I’ll write an entry. I simply want to express that this character is NOT meant to be offensive to the lgbtia+ community. Hell, I’m part of it.

(Freaking mouthful. Lesbian, gay, bi, trans, intersexual, asexual, and beyond. …I think.)

Anyway, I seem to like prefaces and preambles. And for the record, this is being written BEFORE I wrote what is to come. I’m not quite sure what be produced specifically. But I know the idea. THE IDEAS!

So as always, the following is rated T for Timmy. Reader discretion is advised.

There’s a knock on the door. BIGGAYDAN arises from his couch to answer.

“You. What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to talk.”

He sighs and lets him in. His visitor looks around. A shambled, cramped apartment. Clutter on the floor. Trash that hasn’t been taken out. A broken TV. Dirty plates in his sink.

BIGGAYDAN sighs, “Okay, what do you want, Timmy?”

Timmy looks around at this disheveled apartment, scanning. He calmly sits on BIGGAYDAN’s couch. Timmy sighs as well, idly scanning the unvacuumed floor, full of imbedded Cheetos. He looks up, “What happened to you, BIGGAYDAN?”

BIGGAYDAN is pacing just slightly. He spits, “What the hell do you care? All you’ve ever done is belittle me and torture me. You tease me and mock me. I’m telling you for the last time I’M NOT GAY.”

Timmy grins softly, “And I don’t care if you’re gay. It’s okay to be gay. There’s nothing offensive about being called gay. Maybe you are gay, maybe you aren’t. Maybe you’re just bi. But you ARE the gayest person I’ve ever met. Be comfortable with yourself.”

BIGGAYDAN is visibly angry after all the years of Timmy messing with him. He screams in Timmy’s face, “WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME!?!!!!”

Timmy smiles softly, “I have a mission for you. A mission only you can do as the gayest person on the planet.”

BIGGAYDAN scoffs, “What the fuck are you talking about?” and then he goes back to pacing.

Timmy looks at BIGGAYDAN’s left forearm. All those years of masturbating. All those muscles stroking his BIGGAYCOCK. They’ve atrophied. He wonders the last time he wanked himself. He knows it’s been a long time since his SUPERDUPERHOTGIRLFRIENDWITHBIGBOOBS was around. Timmy had hoped he’d find someone else.

Timmy grins, “I have a mission for you. If I tell you, I have a hunch you’ll be interested.”

BIGGAYDAN looks at Timmy apprehensively. Timmy gestures BIGGAYDAN to him. Timmy whispers his Mission into his ear.

BIGGAYDAN rises up, with a bit of surprise, but then sadness. He looks down at his left arm. He says, “I don’t know if I could do it. I’m not the same Dan I used to be.”

Timmy says, “I used to be a gymrat, remember. Maybe we could do it… together.”

BIGGAYDAN looks towards his sink of dirty dishes, pondering. “You’d help me? You’ve always been so mean to me.”

Timmy says, “It was never meant to hurt you, but to get you to realize who you truly are. I won’t be hurtful. I believe you can do this. I believe in you, BIGGAYDAN.”

BIGGAYDAN says, “Could you PLEASE stop calling me that?”

Timmy grins, “Some things never change, not gonna happen. You are Big. You are Gay. And you are definitely Dan. It is YOU.”

BIGGAYDAN sighs heavily. “So. When do we begin?”

It’s a long road to get BIGGAYDAN back into shape. Timmy helped out by doing his dishes and cleaning his apartment, so his mindset would be okay. It took some time to get BIGGAYDAN back in shape. Squats, deadlifts, rows, pull-ups. And masturbating. LOTS of masturbating with that powerful southpaw he used to have. While Timmy advised against a DEATHGRIP on his BIGGAYCOCK, he did prescribe farmers walks for grip strength.

All that muscle memory of chronic masturbation thinking about his SUPERDUPERHOTGIRLFRIENDWITHGIGANTICTITTIES came back to BIGGAYDAN. It wasn’t long before his left arm became WANKSTRONG again. While Timmy still advised him to not DEATHGRIP his LONGGAYCOCK, BIGGAYDAN was now in shape to DEATHGRIP ANY COCK IN THE WORLD.

And it was time to put a grip on the biggest dick of all.

It’s a large crowd, an angry crowd. They’re cheering for this dick. That’s when BIGGAYDAN arrives for us. His hair wasn’t long enough to be dyed, so he’s wearing rainbow wig. Classy pink and black chainmail. Simply red flats for comfort. And an ostentatious rainbow cape. BIGGAYDAN warned Timmy of the soft “no capes” rule among heroes. Timmy reassured him that he’s the kind of hero that can wear a cape and not worry about it.

BIGGAYDAN starts storming through the crowd. He’s jeered and pushed along the way to his target. He even gets his target’s attention, noticing the disturbance in his audience. His targets personal bodyguards try to hold him off, but nothing can stop the power of BIGGAYDAN.

BIGGAYDAN breaks through, and punches the orange man in the face, knocking him out cold.

In the split second it takes for BIGGAYDAN to admire his left fist that did the deed, he’s shot and knocked out cold. The crowd roars for their orange man, in worry and admiration. From a fair distance, Timmy quietly smiles, “Mission Accomplished.” The orange man has been successfully punched in the face.

All is black.

There is nothing.

BIGGAYDAN is dead.

He died punching an inarticulate, uneducated imbecile in the face.

BIGGAYDAN is dead.

There’s a knock at a door.

“Who is it?”

“It’s Timmy.”

The door opens faster this time. Timmy is welcomed in. He sits on a couch. “I’m sure you have questions.”

“You bet I have questions. I fucking died. What the hell is this?”

Timmy smiles, “What, you think I’d let you die? You did a great service to the American people for punching that asshole in the face. Don’t you remember when you went on a rampage and killed all my friends, AND killed me, and then I reappeared because I’m the one writing this? BIGGAYDAN, I’m not afraid to break the fourth wall again.”

There’s a bit more pride in BIGGAYDAN’s step. “Just. Can you please leave me alone?”

Timmy grins, “I can’t promise that. You are the greatest GAYHERO we didn’t know we needed. You may be called upon again.”

BIGGAYDAN groans, “Do I HAVE to be a hero?”

Timmy says, “You’re quite good at it. Don’t you remember when you defeated a GIANTBOOBIEOFDOOM?”

BIGGAYDAN says, “I uh. What?”

Timmy says calmly, “Listen. We can’t predict when we will be called upon to perform great deeds. In the mean time, live your life. Be gay, or don’t. It doesn’t matter. But there may come a time when BIGGAYDAN will be called upon to save the world once again.”

BIGGAYDAN scoffs angrily, “BAAAH!!! Go to hell, Timmy!”

Timmy smiles affectionately, “I love you, too.”

Last updated February 21, 2021