BIGGAYDAN and the GIANTBOOBIEOFDOOM. in The Official BIGGAYDAN Archive.

BIGGAYDAN and the GIANTBOOBIEOFDOOM, Part I - 6/22/2003, Part II - 6/23/2003

It was one of the rare weekends that BIGGAYDAN was spending time with his INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND. Maybe BIGGAYDAN was distracted. Maybe his INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND was on her period.

They were making out when his INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND broke the kiss and asked BIGGAYDAN, "Do you like my boobs?" She thrusted out her chest at his face.

BIGGAYDAN sighed and assured her, "Yes, honey, your PERFECTLYROUNDBOOBIES are wonderful. Can we keep kissing?"

"Do you think I'm fat?"

"No."

"Are you just saying that?"

"You're the hottest person I know!"

"You think I'm fat!"

"I DO NOT. I LOVE YOUR BODY AND THANK GOD EVERY DAY THAT I GET TO KISS EVERY INCH OF IT."

This seemed to appease his INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND, but she didn't seem completely convinced. She cupped her PERFECTLYROUNDBOOBIES and said, "You just don't seem as interested in my PERFECTLYROUNDBOOBIES as you used to."

BIGGAYDAN took a moment to admire his INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND'S PERFECTLYROUNDBOOBIES. They really were a work of art. Just the right size for her body. Not too large, not too small. They stayed taunt in mid-air, defying gravity. Soft skin. Perfectly rounded orbs. Perfect circular nipples. Boobies that just screamed, "KISS ME, YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO." Perfect. He realized he'd been with his INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND so long that he was starting to take her PERFECTLYROUNDBOOBIES for granted.

"Your boobies rock."

"I don't think you believe that."

"I just spent the last paragraph thinking about how perfect your boobies are. I think I believe it."

His INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND reached for a shirt and suddenly, her PERFECTLYROUNDBOOBIES were hidden from his view.

"BIGGAYDAN, I don't think you should be allowed to view my boobies until you realize just how beautiful they are."

BIGGAYDAN nearly pissed his pants. No boobies? NO BOOBIES?

"Oh, come on honey, let's talk about this! I love your boobies, I really do!"

"Maybe you do, but I'm not in the mood to let you see my PERFECTLYROUNDBOOBIES. Maybe I'll let you see them next week if you tell me just why my boobies are so perfect."

"But, I can do that right..."

"Nah ah ah. I said one week. Now, who has the Vagina in this relationship?"

"Um, you do."

"That's right. Respect the authority of the Vagina, BIGGAYDAN. You wouldn't want to disobey the authority of the Vagina."

"Um. Okay."

BIGGAYDAN spent his entire 5123412342134 mile trek home thinking about how he'd prove to his INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND that her PERFECTLYROUNDBOOBIES really are the best boobies in the entire world.

-- cut to black and white flashback --

Timmy is in a room, surrounded by boobies. Not girls. Literally, blobs and blobs of boobies. Kind of like tribbles, except smooth and hairless. Timmy is naked and clearly aroused. One boobie is large than the others and comes up to Timmy's waist.

"Boobies... I'm in heaven..."

The large boobie spoke, despite having no clearly defined mouth or vocal box, "Yes, Timmy. Heaven. Come closer and suckle on me..."

Unable to resist the GIANTBOOBIEOFDOOM, Timmy kneeled in front of the giant breast and began to make love to the large flesh. Once Timmy was thoroughly engrossed in the GIANTBOOBIEOFDOOM, it rolled over on top of him. Timmy struggled, but to no avail. The GIANTBOOBIEOFDOOM taunted Timmy, "Come now, Timmy, you know it was meant to be. Complete submission to boobies. Soon, with our irresistable outward appearance, Earth will be ours!" Timmy struggled, but the other boobies had moved in to pin Timmy down.

-- end flashback, cut to quiet scene of BIGGAYDAN masturbating --

"Her PERFECTLYROUNDBOOBIES are so beautiful... there's got to be a way to convince her that I appreciate how incredible her body is..."

A nice quiet evening of BIGGAYDAN masturbating. Well, until BIGGAYDAN noticed light shining in through all the windows. BIGGAYDAN stopped stroking his GIANTMANCOCK and got up for a moment to see what the diddley was going on. He was about to find out.

Rather suddenly, the roof of his house is ripped off. BIGGAYDAN looked up and saw a spacecraft that looked oddly like a boobie. The nipple shined an insanely bright light on BIGGAYDAN, and he began to levetate towards the boobie.

"Damn, if you're going to abduct me, the least you can do is let me get my pants up first.."

Aboard the renegade boobie vessel, BIGGAYDAN was stripped by servant boobies. Despite the disembodied boobies, his GIANTMANCOCK has receded. He was lead into a room which looked oddly like the room Timmy was in during the black and white scene. Boobies circled him. The thought of his INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND's PERFECTLYROUNDBOOBIES fresh in his mind, BIGGAYDAN noticed how odd these boobies looked. Gravity took their effect, and they were collapsed under their own weight on the ground. Their nipples weren't perfectly circular.

The GIANTBOOBIEOFDOOM bounced forth and addressed BIGGAYDAN. "It is time you joined us, BIGGAYDAN. We know of your love of boobies. You will submit, just like Timmy did."

"Timmy was here?"

"Yes, he was."

"Did you kill him?"

"Actually no, we..."

"Why didn't you kill him?!!"

The GIANTBOOBIEOFDOOM looked puzzled. "Timmy seems to have a great love of boobies. He has made love to the boobies even The Great Boobie Counsel would consider exiling. He serves us now as a servant of all BoobieKind. ..Wait, I thought you and Timmy were friends."

BIGGAYDAN laughed. "He's convinced an entire website that I'm gay!"

"Oh. That's kind of mean."

"Yeah it is. You try telling that to him."

"I'll think about it."

BIGGAYDAN and the GIANTBOOBIEOFDOOM looked at each other, not sure what to do. BIGGAYDAN spoke first.

"Aren't you supposed to be interrogating me or something?"

"Oh yeah. SUBMIT TO ME!"

"Nah, my girlfriend's boobies are better."

The GIANTBOOBIEOFDOOM seemed shocked, and kind of hurt. "You mean... you're not attracted to us?"

"I like my boobies, but I tell you, my girlfriend has most perfectly round PERFECTLYROUNDBOOBIES in the world. They're incredible."

"Oh." The GIANTBOOBIEOFDOOM seemed unsure of what to do now. "I guess you're of no use to us now. We want servants like Timmy, not BIGGAYMEN like you."

"I'm not gay, didn't I just tell you that I love my girlfriend's boobs?"

"Oh. Yeah. Right."

"So."

"So."

"I won't have to whip out the DOUBLEDONGOFJUSTICE and kick your guy's asses - or boobies, I suppose - on the way out, right?"

"Yeah, you can just leave. Um. Bye."

And so that was that. BIGGAYDAN left the giant boobie in the sky and noticed that the roof on his house was missing. "God damned Timmy," he muttered to himself."

The next weekend, BIGGAYDAN make the 6237623523453 mile trek to his INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND - and her PERFECTLYROUNDBOOBIES. Naturally, the topic of her PERFECTLYSHAPEDBOOBIES came up. BIGGAYDAN was running his hands around her tummy when she asked, "So, BIGGAYDAN, have you thought about what I said last weekend?"

"Yes, my INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND. I realized something aboard that giant boobie in the sky. There's a lot of not perfect boobies out there. Actually, I'd say that all boobies in this world are flawed in some way. Nipples not perfectly circular. Too big. Too small. Wrong color. Not perfectly round. And while there's nothing wrong with not being perfect, I think I'll let guys like Timmy worship the not-so-perfect ones. Because I know there's only one pair of PERFECTLYSHAPEDBOOBIES in this entire universe - yours. And I want nothing more than to worship your PERFECTLYSHAPEDBOOBIES."

"Oh wow, BIGGAYDAN, that was really sweet."

"Yeah it was, wasn't it? Guess that's the end of this little story."

"Yeah, I guess."

<pause>

"BIGGAYDAN?"

"Yes, honey?"

"Do my farts smell bad?"

And thus ends this Adventure of BIGGAYDAN. May all your boobies be perky.

(Massive apology to BIGGAYDAN'S INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND for deformation of character.)