RIP Norman in Current Events

My heart is a little heavy today. This morning while I was sitting outside preparing myself mentally to go for a run in this heat my sister shouted out to me that Jess made a Facebook post about her grandfather. He passed away on Monday. I had a flashback to when I was seventeen and learned through the same sister that one of my best friends passed away. I didn’t know what to feel this morning when she told me that so I just shrugged it off and went for a run. His name was Norman. I kept picturing him at Jess’s wedding. He played some weird instrument and sang a song in Hebrew. I could feel the love that he had for everybody in that room that evening.

It’s weird because Jess kept crossing my mind in the last few days. I kept feeling like we needed to go for a cruise. We used to drive around for hours and listen to music and chain smoke. We would talk about absolutely everything. The problem is that music doesn’t really touch me anymore. Especially if it has words in it so I just put the idea on the backburner.

The Nazi’s buried Norman’s parents alive and made him and his siblings watch. They all managed to escape to Canada. He was an interesting character. We could never tell a story about him without laughing. I cut my run short and came home. My only thought was that “I don’t want his spirit to come talk to me. I don’t want his spirit to come talk to me. I don’t want his spirit to come talk to me.” I didn’t want Jess to reach out to me either. I am selfish and I am speechless. We went through a lot together just after high school. We grew apart but we are always there when it counts. She was the first friend that I called when I was fired three months ago. So it was only natural that she reached out to me this morning. She only wanted to talk about me and so the conversation was so brief and useless… I don’t know what to say. I am trying to pretend that this is not happening. She has a lot of people in her life but I am that friend that always knows what to say. That friend she can be vulnerable around. Her safe place, I know and love who she is without any judgement or criticism.

I poured myself a glass of wine and I started to play some music. I was going to go sit outside and read but then I felt… something that I can’t explain. It’s like a presence that moves right through you. I broke down and cried. “Jess I am here. What do you need?” I did not know what to say to her and those words came to me like somebody was feeding me my lines in a play. I did not say those words to her just yet. I need to catch my breath and get myself ready to be strong enough for her. So four more glasses of wine?

I just keep picturing her mother… I can always feel how her energy raises whenever she sees me and she is the one that I feel like I need to see right now. Maybe Norman is trying to communicate with me? I feel like there is unresolved guilt and forgiveness somewhere between those two. I can’t explain it, maybe it’s just the wine? I dunno. I just don’t want a spirit in my dreams tonight or any night. Should I burn some sage? lol

Last updated August 01, 2019