Energize in Current Events

The roommates are gone for the weekend. I don’t have to be around anybody’s energy but my own. I deleted an entry that I wrote yesterday because I spent an hour writing it and it was just me complaining about everybody. That’s just not a good way to spend my energy. I do have Toni coming over for a sleepover and I kind of just want to cancel on her. I don’t want to spend my evening building her up. I can feel that my whole body just wants me to lay down and charge.

I thought that I was going to wake up and feel good as hell today. Well, I’m not miserable but I am feeling a little down about myself and I feel that I should be. I need to boss up and change my life already. I think that I want to spend some time with my journal later and make my fears clear to me. What am I ashamed of? What are my biggest disappointments in myself? Then I can find a way to own them again.

My head has been feeling a little woozy with the forest fires that are going on in my province. It’s been too hot to run and I gas out pretty fast when I try and exercise so I am feeling a little defeated. I’ve been trying to get my abs to come through and I learned recently that I had been doing everything all wrong and so now I am starting to get results. Of course, a shredded physique is 10% workout and 90% nutrition. I freaked myself out today because I noticed that I have actual flab for the first time in my life. Ok, maybe not flab but I’m not used to having any mass on me whatsoever. Things jiggle lol. I don’t want to complain, real men can have curves too. I want to find a supplement that will help prevent my body from metabolizing muscle because I am considering taking a shot at intermittent fasting.

My legs are a little shaky and I think that I will not be able to move my core tomorrow. I was doing reverse crunches and I started to have a coregasm so I might have done a hundred or so reps lol. What the frig is wrong with me? Something is wrong with my shoulder also so I am unable to do any upper body workouts right now. How is my self-esteem suppose to cope?

Speaking of sidequests, I am struggling with the nofap movement. Of all the things that I have managed to quit since I turned thirty this one is surprisingly pretty difficult. I was walking the neighbours dog this morning and I had noticed some guys were working on a roof down the street. One of them did not have a shirt on because of this heat and I noticed how my mind was already trying to sexualize him. I need to quit watching porn.

Alright, I have Toni on her way. I’m going to BBQ some Beyond Meat burgers. I dress the bun in some dijon mustard, horseradish and caramelized mushrooms. So good. I’m also making fries that I’m going to dip in my homemade Peri Peri hot sauce. Next stop my hips lol. I would rather sit outside in this heat and read a book. I want to read N0S4A2 before I watch the series and I want to reread the His Dark Materials series before HBO comes out with it. Also I want to read the Shannara series and the Wword of Truth series. But whatever, I should focus on the bigger things right now anyway and save the reading for winter… which is coming lol