Likely TMI in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Today is Juvenile Court Day so my morning is busy af. I have stuff to say but we’ll see if I can say it when I get back.

Back for my “in between hearings” break and I can feel my stomach eating itself. Like aggressively. SO… must away for food.

Right… so… back from lunch, back from a really brutal Juvenile Mental Health Case. Like… brutal because this adorable little girl that could be confused for anyone’s sweet, innocent little cherub… is a straight up sociopath capable of plotting a murder and executing it (because she did plot the murder and was foiled in the attempt). So… brutal.

So.... the TMI mentioned is not a tease to trick people into reading. Nor is it a fun, sexy story, or a delightful announcement of sexual escapades. No. But I’ll get to that.

This weekend was… the weekend. Friday stayed home and drank. Saturday went to my parents to celebrate Mom’s birthday. Sunday came back home. In that, though, I tried to make some things happen. Even if only for me.

Like on Friday, I pretty much said that I wouldn’t do anything in the kitchen until Wife hugged me. Because… y’know… one would expect a hug and/or a kiss from their spouse periodically. Some would even suggest once a day; but let’s not go crazy. So I made her hug me, which reminded her that she liked hugs from me, and she said, “I love you.”
Good/bad on that. GOOD in that she said it and GOOD in that she said it without me explicitly asking her to do so.
BAD because it came after a kind of “forced” interaction between us; bad because it was the second time in July she said it. The first time was in Hawaii and that wasn’t a good one. By which I mean on one day I said, “I love you.” And she did not respond in kind. So after 24 hours, I let her know how it is kind of bullshit. I don’t get kisses or hugs or sex… the least I should get from my wife is a “Love you too”. That’s the very least. And then she said it. SOooooo, at least this time wasn’t like that time.

Which brings us to Sunday when I flat out told Wife what I was going to tell our therapist on Saturday. We’ll talk Hawaii and the month of July. Then when she asks how you are doing as a couple, I’ll tell her that we’re doing truly shitty. Like, honestly contemplating divorce shitty. Because I have a great relationship with my room mate. I have a great relationship with my business partner. And I have zero relationship with my wife. Because my room mate does so much around the house and does so much to help with Nala (for a room mate). And my business partner does great work paying the bills and keeping track of the finances. But my wife doesn’t say she loves me, she doesn’t affectionately touch me, we don’t have sex, there’s no passion or romance, there is nothing that distinguishes my wife AS a wife as she is MUCH MORE my room mate and business partner. And as awesome as those two people are… I don’t think it is fair that a condition of their existence should be “making sure I don’t experience love or sex.”

Wife’s response was to apologize for the fact that she’s still not sure how to “get past herself.” And I was thinking, “I know. I know that you’re sorry. I know that you wish you could be different. But wishing doesn’t mean shit. You’ve got to work at things. And if you aren’t working on things; than you are accepting them.

After this is where the TMI comes in. So… I’m trying to keep track of things more now. Like how often I drink alcohol, how often I drink soda, how often I play video games, how often I masturbate, how often I walk the dog, how often I exercise… stuff like that. And it had been more than 10 days since I had last masturbated. And I’ll be honest with you. I’m the kind of person that would like to have between 1 and 3 orgasms per week. So 10 days felt like it was past time to get that activity taken care of. It was a complete failure. Maybe it was because of the alcohol. Maybe it was because of the conversation I just had with my wife. Maybe it was because my mind was filled with work stuff. But yeah. It didn’t happen. Which makes me even more frustrated. Because now, not only does my Wife reject my physical need/desire to orgasm but so does my own body! And there won’t be an opportunity to rectify this until Wednesday at the absolute earliest because we have out of town business tonight and tomorrow. Which will then mean we’re just about at the 2 Week Mark.

So that’s where I am today. Super tired. Rough day of Juvenile Law. Busy until 9 p.m. tonight. Then tomorrow. Slow-ish court day but a needed Prep this week and August day. Then go home and immediately drive to CR for Weird Al. Then Wednesday. Ooooo, Wednesday. My calendar on that day is deceptive. Because it looks like everything is scheduled for the morning… but that morning? 17 hearings So… I’ll use the afternoon to RECUPERATE!

Thursday my work schedule looks clear. Then Friday, I have to meet with more victims of sexual violence because that’s The Crime this year. Sexual Assaults being perpetrated on individuals below the age of 18. Last year we didn’t have a lot. This year, I’m up to 9. Then Saturday is Couple’s Counseling.

Natalia Garibotto, a 26-year-old Brazilian model who makes $300,000 a year by posting her saucy photos on Instagram.

Crap. Here’s a thing. I was looking through THIS gallery and instead of thinking “Yeah, these women are attractive. I like this photo best of all. Good job!” I was thinking something else. I was thinking, “The feeling that someone you find attractive also finds you attractive… that is an awesome feeling. I kind of miss it.” And that was depressing as fuck. It’s also wrong. For example, let’s say (randomly selected Chive User Girl finds my Prosebox and says, “I noticed you had a photo of me selected and you said I was attractive. Thank you! You’re very attractive as well!” That would be… a rush… but not the feeling/emotion I’m talking about. I’m talking about that feeling where you see someone in person and think, “This woman is gorgeous”; and they see you and think “That man is gorgeous” and then the two of you come together to let each other know and embrace and just go with it. It’s been 12 years since I’ve had that feeling. I miss it. I know that these days I’m not much to look at. But it would still be nice if someone in the real world that I found attractive, also found me attractive.

I just thought.... if I don’t get divorced but also don’t have kids… I may have some “extra” money for things maybe. If I keep this job and am repeatedly the go-to guy for the Okoboji Trip… it might be worthwhile to get a boat. Just randomly popped into my head.

Something good for you to hear:
“Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.”
Don’t set yourself on fire just to keep others warm.
Don’t take criticism from someone you wouldn’t take advice from.
“We can’t fix a problem if we don’t first acknowledge it.”

And if you ever want to know how it can get crowded in my head/heart? These FOUR songs are all going on in my head right now.