Your Mom's Vagina. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.

The fog is clearing.

THE FOG IS CLEARING.

I'm still a sardonic asshole, but my ability to smile is returning, so I kind of sound like this:

What is this, Day Eight dry? Yeah. The feelings of being lethargic are fading. I'm not motivated, per say, but I'm not demotivated. If that makes sense. I joked that I did the dishes sober for the first time in at least six months. That used to be a joke, "Get drunk and do the dishes because it's more fun that way!" The anxiety is also slowly taking a back seat. Like a quiet cry from the distance rather than a screaming in the ear.

What the fuck, I had to drink to do the dishes? I would spend entire afternoons drunk because "Ugh, I'm sad." I'd drink when I got home, no matter what hour because, "Ugh, I need to relax."

Kind of a tangent, but whatever, but it's clear a lot of my bad days last fall were withdrawal from adderall. I want to say I was fine the first time I tried it. It was "Oh, this is kinda cool." Then as I took it on a weekly basis to make myself manic, the day after was ALWAYS really, really shitty. Man, I remember the Saturday in September when I felt like I wanted to cry for absolutely no reason. That was TERRIBLE. (And for the record, haven't touched adderall since December.)

(And at the same time, while I had all these problems, if I really trusted Candi, she should have been the one I felt comfortable running to, rather than running away from. When we have our dark hours, we NEED to have a safe place. And that safe place wasn't her. And boy did it piss her off that it was Elissa. As I said to her, "I feel terrible and I will do anything to feel okay." I know it hurt her, but I had to stop ignoring my feelings for the sake of sparing hers. I felt comfortable talking to Elissa about my suicidal thoughts. Whereas over five years with Candi, I never felt like she could handle my feelings or tell me the right things. I can't marry someone who I can't blindly trust to be The Person To Go To in those dark hours. It's not a personal affront to her. Candi just wasn't right for me. Massive digression.)

Soooo... Anyway, I really just wanted a quick entry about my plans for the day. Because this is my third day of actually feeling okay. Imma leave for the gym after I check tumblr. Then I'll hit the grocery store and get things for LOAF OF MEAT. I made meatballs two weeks ago, and the leftovers kind of fell apart. Making me think, "Huh, would have been easier to just make meatloaf." I used to make tasty meatloaf without a recipe, just throwing shit together. I spent some time last night melding some recipes to create my own recipe. You know, get the proportions right. MOAR ROSEMARY. Ha ha.

What? I should share my beta recipe? Okaaaay.

2 pounds (meat)
1/4 cup marinara - > mix the stuff into it
1 onion
2 garlic
2 tablespoons rosemary or moooorrreeee
2 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
3/4 tsp crushed red pepper
1/2 tsp garlic salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
2 eggs
1/2 cup italian bread crumbs
1/2 cup uncooked rice
1/4 cup sour cream
1 cup chopped fresh spinach
1 cup mixed veggies
1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1/2 cup mozzerella cheese

I'll probably tweak it as I make it, but I just wanted a baseline. Or, in other words, something to load onto my phone so I don't have to keep running over to Kelly Quark. Ha ha, "I fucking love garlic." I also hated how my mom put ketchup on meatloaf as a kid, so I'm using marinara instead.

Kira keeps jumping on my lap. Isn't it funny how we let these furry creatures walk all over us. She looks up at me, "Daddy, love me now. DADDY, TIME FOR LOVING IS NOW." And when she's done, she jumps away, only to come back a few minutes later.

Oh, and I invited Caty over. I met her through Elissa. Gasp, I'm making FRIENDS. What a concept, right?

Why do I keep thinking I have nothing to say? Oh right, the old habit of thinking I need something DEEP AND MEANINGFUL. Like YOUR MOM'S VAGINA.