The Legend of BIGGAYDAN. in The Official BIGGAYDAN Archive.

The Legend of BIGGAYDAN. - 5/4/2003

Of course, he wasn't always known as such. Once upon a time, he was known as just Dan. (With a period.) Dan. was your average white heterosexual male. Dan. watched a lot of lesbian porn. Dan. loved to mentally undress his classmates. Dan. got lots of boners in class. And like most male Americans, Dan. loved to stroke his wang.

Now, Dan.'s wang isn't just an ordinary wang. It isn't just above average. It isn't just thick. It isn't just long. It's colossal. It's huge. It's one big slab of GIANTMANCOCK. With such a wonderful GIANTMANCOCK, Dan. got a reputation of having GIANTMANCOCK. Shallow girls flocked to him, trying to cop a feel of his GIANTMANCOCK. Flaming homosexuals (one oddly named "Bang Bang" Bruce) tried to coax Dan. into letting them fellate his GIANTMANCOCK. But, Dan. resisted. He was white. He was straight. He had a GIANTMANCOCK. He loved the Vagina, not the cock. The only cock he loved was his own.

Then came that fateful night. Dan. was sitting at his computer, stroking his GIANTMANCOCK with his UBERWACKOFFMUSCLES. He flexed his UBERWACKOFFMUSCLES, and smiled at how strong they've become. If you get into a fight, you better hope Dan. favors his non-UBERWACKOFFMUSCLES arm, or else you'll get severely beaten. Dan. admired his GIANTMANCOCK, and smiled at how much pleasure he could give a girl. Dan. started stroking his GIANTMANCOCK faster.. and faster.. and then...

"Ugh!"

No, Dan. hadn't orgasmed. Dan. cradled his UBERWACKOFFMUSCLES arm and tried rotating his wrist. "Aw shit, I sprained my wrist wacking off!" Determined to try and achieve orgasm, Dan. tried stroking his hard cock with his other arm. "I can't grip my cock hard enough!" Apparently, Dan.'s non-UBERWACKOFFMUSCLES arm was too weak to masturbate his GIANTMANCOCK to orgasm.

Dan. slumped back in his chair and watched his GIANTMANCOCK slowly begin to wilt. He was so horny. How could he get himself off if he couldn't use his UBERWACKOFFMUSCLES arm? He glanced at his buddy list. His INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND was online. So, he communicated his plight to her. Naturally, she was sympathetic.

"Dan., I'd love to give you a head, literally, but I live 2512094870138471203948 hours away from you."

"I know you live 2340987069834560938705 hours away from me, but is there any way you could take sub-orbital flight and get here sooner? My GIANTMANCOCK is aching for release!"

"Even with a sub-orbital flight, it would take at least 342345 days to get to you."

Dan. sobs "I need to orgasm!"

"Well, since you're in such dire need of release, I'll allow you to go find someone to give you a hand. Go try your bitch, I hear she's been dying to give you head."

"Lori." Dan. said to himself. Lori... is Dan.'s bitch. In short, Lori wants Dan.'s GIANTMANCOCK. She wants to stroke it, suck it, fuck it, maybe even put it up her ass, if necessary. She wants Dan.'s GIANTMANCOCK. Badly. So... Dan. asked Lori to give him a hand. Unfortunately, Lori didn't seem to sympathetic.

"You want me to WHAT?!"

"Bitch, I want you to give me a hand masturbating. I'll even let you give me head!"

"And just why can't you do this yourself?"

"I uh. Sprained my wrist masturbating."

(Ten minutes later, after Lori stopped laughing...)

"Listen, Dan., I'm not going to wrap my hands around your GIANTMANCOCK just because you can't do it yourself. All those millions of times I begged you to let me take your GIANTMANCOCK into my mouth, you refused. And you know what Dan.? I'm hurt. I'm not some cheap slut."

"I'm sorry, Lori. From now on, I'll let you give me handjobs anytime you want?"

"NO, Dan. Go ask Timmy for help, because I'm not helping you with this."

And that's how he came to me for help with his... little problem. And NO, he didn't ask me to give him head! Pervert.

"Timmy, you gotta help me. You're the most experienced masturbator I know."

Well, I tried giving him tips about masturbating without using your hands. It's difficult, but can be done. Still, I doubt he could get an orgasm that way. Maybe I shouldn't have steared him onto the path I did, but at the time, I didn't have a choice.

"Maybe you should talk to BIGGAYPAUL." I suggested.

"Who's BIGGAYPAUL?"

"Zombywoof."

"He's not gay. He's straight as an arrow!"

"Oh, that's what he'd like you to think. He's like that bartender in "Hot Chick", he acts super-straight to compensate for his gayness. He keeps a straight face about everything, pardon the pun, but deep down, he wants GIANTMANCOCK in his mouth."

"I'm not gay."

"Sure you're not. Just talk to him."

I didn't think he'd actually do it. I guess he was desperate. I gave him BIGGAYPAUL's screenname and... well...

"Are you BIGGAYPAUL?"

"Who the hell told you? And who the hell are you?"

"...Timmy told me? I'm.. Dan. He told me you could help me."

"Ah yes, Timmy. How did he know that I'm a flaming homosexual?"

"Something about overcompensating."

"I see... I'll have to write a political commentary saying how there should be a constitutional amendment against Timmy's... Anyway, what's your problem?"

"...I sprained my UBERWACKOFFMUSCLES masturbating. I can't get myself off."

"Can't your girlfriend help?"

"Too far away?"

"Other girl friends?"

"Um, won't help."

"Get yourself off without your hands?"

"Tried."

"What about your guy friends?"

"WHAT! I'M NOT GAY!"

"I think you are, and it's taken this tragedy to bring your gayness to the forefront."

"I'M NOT GAY!"

"Now, now, Dan. Don't reject your gayness. You need an orgasm. And who better to give you a mind-blowing orgasm than someone that has more experience with cock than any girl ever could? Come to the dark side, Dan."

Dan. sniffles "I'm.. not.. gay.. I'm Dan.! I have UBERWACKOFFMUSCLES! I have a GIANTMANCOCK! I love the Vagina!"

"You're not just Dan. anymore. You're big. You're gay. You're Dan. You're.... BIGGAYDAN."

"I am.. BIGGAYDAN..."

With that, BIGGAYDAN got up from his computer. He started thinking about his friends. His male friends. He wondered how good of handjobs they could give him. His GIANTMANCOCK tore through the seams in his pants.

"Ah geez, not again. This is my third pair of pants today."

Nursing his sprained wrist on his UBERWACKOFFMUSCLES arm, BIGGAYDAN got handjobs from his now BIGGAYFRIENDS. He was resistant to taking his friends' INFERIORTINYPENISES into his mouth, but he eventually came to enjoy it. His wrist healed quickly and he was soon stroking his GIANTMANCOCK with his UBERWACKOFFMUSCLES once again. But, he was changed, He was no longer the closed-minded Dan. who assumed the only guys who sucked cock were homosexuals. BIGGAYDAN understood how guys could get each other off. BIGGAYDAN came to enjoy having another guy's hand wrapped around his GIANTMANCOCK. BIGGAYDAN came to enjoy pleasuring his BIGGAYFRIENDS' INFERIORTINYPENISES.

He was big.

He was gay.

He was Dan.

He is.. BIGGAYDAN.

Cast

BIGGAYDAN as BIGGAYDAN

Aubrey as BIGGAYDAN'S INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND

Lori as BIGGAYDAN's Bitch

Zombywoof as BIGGAYPAUL and

Timmy as Himself (that's me, foo!)