Repeat in Current Events

I took my grandmother grocery shopping on Monday and that is literally the only thing that I accomplished in the last few days. I’ve just been enjoying having the house to myself. I don’t have to fight to turn the AC down and I don’t have to wear any clothes. I miss living alone. I lived alone for almost all of my twenties so I am just enjoying this while I can. I’ve just been eating a lot of food and watching a lot of Netflix. I was aiming to get my cousin Curtis over for some cheap wine and conversation but he’s been playing hard to get. I was tempted to invite Nathan over because I know that he is thirsty for me but I know that I would be the fuckboy in that situation and would cause him a lot of heartache. Twinks suck. Where are the gay men my age? Did they die off? When I went to the RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 11 Tour I thought that I would have seen a lot more gay men there but nope. I’m going to see Margaret Cho in October so maybe I will at least see living gay men my age? You know, when I was taking Hetal on a little tour of downtown the fringe festival was going on. It’s a festival in my city where there are like dozens of plays that people can go see downtown in the exchange district. It’s a big event, we always have big events and I never go. That is probably why I don’t meet anybody lol.

Tomorrow will be my three month mark of unemployment. The story I am telling myself is that I am enjoying this downtime while I can because I am going to be balancing work and school soon enough. I always fantasize about what my life could look like if I follow through with this career path. Just little things like not having to work weekends to bigger things like buying my first house. These thoughts give me life but then I think about the distance that I have to go to get there and I start to feel defeated and scared. I’ll get over it. *I say this every single entry… *

My anxiety calmed down this weekend though. It was triggered because of money. My savings is running out. Then I remembered that I have an account that I have been ignoring that has 5k in it. I don’t really want to waste it all so I can do nothing for another three months but at least I know that I have a safety net. I do need to open my budget book and face the music already. I can’t bring myself to look at it. Also, I need to see what job postings are online. I like the idea of putting my resume up on Indeed but I do not want my old boss to see it. Even though my resume is a work of art. It’s only a masterpiece if I am aiming to work in a restaurant or to work in retail but… that’s not want I want to do. I will if I have to but I want to try something new. I made the joke to Hetal that I should be a flight attendant. She said that I should because I am pretty, lol wtf? My joke was that I am way too tall to stand in a plane. I’ve had one offer to be a scanning officer at the airport but everybody that I know who does that for a living hates their job with a passion. The management makes it a nightmare anyway. Then I have another job offer to be a support worker for somebody with special needs but I don’t like the idea of relying on my vehicle. I hate winter driving. Blah, anyway I’ll just have to see what is out there. I am kind of getting a little excited about it… and then my habit of negative thinking kicks in and is talking a lot of garbage to scare me into doing anything because it feels so much safer in this new comfort zone that I created for myself.
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Speaking of my body, lol segue, I am not understanding what is going on with it. I am heavily considering trying colon hydrotherapy. I think that might fix everything. I am crazy, I know, for feeling like I am battling to acquire a flatter stomach. I don’t understand why I am so bloated looking all the time. It’s not belly fat. I even feel that my whole digestion system has started change, for worse or for better I do not know. I’ve added more probiotics to my diet and that seems to be making things worse. I don’t want to add even more because I don’t want to mess around with my PH levels too much. In my mind, I feel that colon hydrotherapy would help me reboot the whole system. I could do intermittent fasting and reboot my digestion, metabolism and immune systems etc but like… that’s scary for me. For starters, I hate being hungry. Then the idea of starving the bacteria in my body unsettles me. What if it backfires on me and I end up with even more problems… like SIBO or candida… I dunno. I’ll look into this more