Waiting in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Today starts off feeling like a “blah” semi-nothing day. Which creates anxiety because whenever you feel “blah” there usually comes something in this job to turn it into FUCK! So I’m in a “blah” place, worried about when it gets to a “FUCK!” place and… that’s a really weird way to start the day. And I rather feel stuck in that position. You see, one thing I could absolutely do is clean my office. Lord knows it needs it. There are papers everywhere in no organized or reasonable fashion! But of course I can’t clean my office right now because (a) construction, and (b) lack of Air Conditioning. Our hallways looks like we haven’t finished erecting the building yet (seriously, no ceiling tiles, exposed wiring, exposed pipes… just a mess) so there’s always a flurry of activity and dust and extra mess. Not to mention the fact that workers are coming in and out of each office and either attempting to work around the person or (in some cases) outright asking the person to leave “for a few minutes” so the construction worker can access something that is directly above thee worker’s desk. Also as our Air Conditioning is still non-existent… all of my windows are open and there is a fan going at full strength at all hours of the day. So, true story, some of my paperwork in my office is only NOT flying around because of the overlapping nature of the mess. My Child Welfare Reports are being held down by their own weight because I have 149 sitting out instead of organized where they could otherwise be. I have criminal history forms sitting under my stapler to make sure that they (and the case files connected) don’t fly away. So, despite it being a possibility and certainly something I could do… I actually can’t clean my office the way things are at the moment.

A part of me says I should continue writing in my Adult Content Book and even the fact that I’m at work isn’t necessarily enough to dissuade me. But at the moment? With the morning tired plus feelings of both “blah” and anxiety? I’m just really not in a good head space for that right now. Though… that may be true for a considerable amount of time, depending on things. It just really feels like the world is in a shitshow of its own making with no way out. AND THIS IS THE VERSION OF ME THAT LIKES HIS TOWN AND JOB! But you look at the world as it currently is? Total, absolute, catastrophic shit show.

Random Attempts At Lifting Spirits… which fails because even humor is essentially “attempting to cope with the misery of present existence”:

I did weigh myself today. Hadn’t weighed myself since June as my July 1 was a little busy. It should surprise exactly NOBODY that I’m 220. ALWAYS, apparently. So while I would love to get myself looking more like a not-fat, potentially attractive dude… it seems my body is VERY content at 220.

Okay, here’s something I should own up to and discuss (maybe). There are a number of journal sites and diary entries and… I won’t name names (hopefully I’m not offending anyone here) but I suppose I have my own twisted and soul-depressing “Reality TV Show” habit. Some people watch Jersey Shore or Kardashians for the “trash TV value.” I won’t say I do this for “trash” value but… I don’t know why else I do this. I tend to read Hot Girls of Florida diaries periodically (before I just can’t anymore). These are people that (a) live in Florida; (b) exclusively discuss their dating/sexual lives; (c) seem to have NO problem attracting “top quality” men; (d) and are usually trying to figure life out “in the balance of being hot, horny, but wanting to be a person, too.” It honestly feels like a bad habit; like watching trashy reality TV. Because it certainly isn’t healthy for me and it doesn’t reward me in any way. Typically they are six to 12 sentence entries explaining the basic premise over and over with different details.
I want to get laid. I cruised Clematis Street all night last night and every guy there was totally into me. Of course, there was this one hot guy- black hair, blue eyes, TOTAL babe. I wanted to ride him until my eyes popped! But then I thought… I haven’t really focused on me in a while. Maybe I need to get my life together. So I just blew him on the beach by the Saloon. I hope he calls me!
That was NOT directly taken from anyone’s entries and is a total invention of my imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. But it does act as a fairly decent example of the type of entry/writer I mean. And I acknowledge that it isn’t exactly HEALTHY for me to read it. It doesn’t elevate my opinion of women; it doesn’t elevate my opinion of Florida; and it often makes me feel bad knowing that I’ll NEVER be that guy and also that I would ever even WANT to be that guy. Effectively for me, it is like reading something that says:
“Women do want to engage in sexual adventures. They are looking for men, but not unattractive men in Iowa; and certainly not unattractive men in Iowa that offer more emotional and intellectual stimulation than sexual stimulation. But these are also women who are clearly struggling with their own emotional and mental baggage. And yet, they go out and can have whatever kind of sex they desire at any time.” It’s a weird jealousy/envy/disgust/depressing/pity spiral....... that I do to myself by intentionally engaging with these kinds of journals/diaries/entries. Though, I do have to admit, it is also weirdly fascinating since there really are A LOT out there like that! Like… you wouldn’t think so, but there really are.

Here’s an interesting thing that I’ve not felt for many many years. I can tell that I am hungry, but it is not manifesting in hunger pains. It is manifesting in “inexplicable rage.” After I was diagnosed, medicated, and able to really analyze and follow my emotions to their source; I discovered that “inexplicable rage” is one of my Go To Cover Emotions. Why was I enraged a lot in college? Deep physical pain that I could not place. Why was I enraged a lot in Theater? Deep disappointment and frustration that I could not place. BUT my Senior Year, my rage was often “brought on” by hunger. This, too, was a cover but for many things. At that time I had physical pain, a deep self-frustration, sorrow at something I thought I couldn’t change, anxiety over feeling overwhelmed with life and bullshit… and the hunger was just the push to send me off the edge of the knife. So all of my emotions would flood into me as ANGER (I am/was well-trained enough to know how to manage that anger so as not to be violent or abusive with anyone… just feel it and move through it). So when I just got hungry and felt the rush of rage… that’s a good sign that, whether I can articulate it or not right now, I seem to be experiencing an abundant plethora of different emotions. OR maybe I’m just reading into things too much and “hungry” equals “angry.” Anyone’s guess.

The Best Original User Photos of the Week!

Celebrate National Tequila Day with a lime, salt, and these memes

We could all use some drinking memes

Betty White was born on September 22, 1922. Should she live to her birthday this year, she would be 97 years old. This means she predates the following inventions:

Sliced Bread 1928
Penicillin 1928
Bubble Gum 1928
Scotch Tape 1929
Canned Beer 1935
The Slinky 1945
Color TV 1950

Comebacks so brutal, someone needs a bodybag

Daily Afternoon Randomness





To be fair, Iowa has neither. Fuck, we just started getting Five Guys (and I still need to try some at some point)

Just Some Good Advice

Shower thoughts are truly a mind f*ck

Unexpected turn-ons that prove we’re all just sick perverts at heart
“The sound of heels on the hardwood” HAVE TO AGREE. Whether hardwood, linoleum, concrete… heels on a hard surface definitely
“My wife wearing my boxers” I would agree with the caveat, her wearing anything of mine while in a state of undress… button up shirt, boys shorts with no top… obviously works
“Smells!” Obviously. Smell is connected to memory and there will always be certain smells that just GET us. The really fascinating thing about this is that for many smells it cannot be “transferred” person to person. A body spray on one may smell different on another due to body chemistry.
“Chlorine Smell”. Yeah, guilty on this one. I spent most of High School in pools and the women I knew that did the same were usually fit, attractive, and could keep up or dominate me in a race or Water Polo.

Call it a matter of taste or a matter of Apathy; but if you are interested in some of the Hot Women on Chive today that I did not share I approve of some of the photos in
Daily Morning Awesomeness
Let’s turn up the summer sexy with bikini-clad beauties
Burn your bra and join the revolution!
We’re overjoyed for underboob
Legs like this will make you weak