Backsliding in 2014

I don't have a lot of memories from kindergarten, but many of them revolve around a girl named Megan. Or possibly Meghan. I couldn't spell at the time. Though I was at one point or other dating or engaged to nearly every girl in my kindergarten class, somehow or other, for some reason or other, Megan stood out. After we broke up and she decided to get engaged to Rob, I still chased. She admitted that she loved me, but then explained that's why she had to marry Rob. Twenty odd years after the event, I can only assume some bizarre family situation lead to this line of thinking because it still doesn't make a lick of sense to me. At any rate, though we were broken up, and though I was the little ladies man, for whatever reason, she was the one I kept chasing. As I write this, I am having to edit myself, because I keep drawing too many connections between this event and so many similar ones. Bad idea. It's similar enough, and I want this to be accurate.

The point is, for whatever reason, I have an obsession with ex girlfriends that borders on unnatural, if it isn't unnatural already. I understand that backsliding is understandable from time to time, but let's examine this with every relationship I can think of from the time I was thirteen. Emily? Got back together twice. Second Emily? Post breakup involvement, though it may have been a reconciliation. I'm a bit hazy on this, but I'm pretty sure it happened. Random Party Girl? Nope. Obviously. Courtney? Yes. Lee? Yes. Whitney? No. Amanda? Yes. Niki? Yes. Other Amanda? No (thank goodness). Rachael? Heaven knows I tried. Liz? No! Morgan? Not really. Arielle? Probably not. Amber? Yes. June? Yes. Evangeline? Yes. So, let's do the numbers.

1. Emily. Yes.
2. Emily. Probably
3. Party. No.
4. Courtney. Yes.
5. Lee. Yes.
6. Whitney. No.
7. Nadine. No.
8. Amanda. Yes.
9. Niki. Probably.
10. Amanda. No.
11. Rachael. No.
12. Liz. No.
13. Morgan. No.
14. Arielle. Possibly.
15. Amber. Yes.
16. June. Yes.
17. Evangeline. Yes.

Of the seventeen girls I remember having had any form of unstaged physical contact with beyond friendship from the age of thirteen onward, I have definitively backslid with seven. I have probably or possibly backslid with an additional three. Second Emily because I'm pretty sure we did, but I can't swear. Niki because it depends on how you count backsliding. We were certainly involved for far too long after having sworn off of each other repeatedly. Arielle, again, similar category to Niki. Same with Lee. So, let's count my probable and possible backslides. That puts me up to ten out of seventeen or roughly 59%. But let's go deeper. Let's look at the ones where I didn't. Party girl was impossible. She didn't return my calls. Whitney and I lived far away, dated because of a setup, then broke up because of a complete lack of chemistry and lack of physical desire from either of us. Backsliding was, essentially, impossible. Nadine and I kissed, I believe, once and it was weird. Second Amanda and I didn't backslide, again, because we had no real desire to. She wasn't really worth the effort, especially when, shortly thereafter, I was involved with three girls that weren't her. Rachael I didn't backslide with, but that was her doing. I spent years trying to convince her to. Liz was a girl who seemed really appealing, then I got to know her. In a mental, and Apocryphal sense. Neither was pleasant. And I was involved with two other girls at the time. Morgan was another one time event largely borne out of her being frustrated and a good decade of sexual tension that needed some form of resolution.

So, we see that of the seven women where I did not backslide, six of them were encounters of three times or fewer. The one that stands out was Rachael. Again, this is a list of all women whom I have kissed since the age of thirteen. Not relationships. If we make this a list of things that could reasonable be called relationships, the only no on the list becomes Rachael, and, again, that wasn't my choice. So, by the most generous calculation, I have backslid 59% of the time (well, 58.8%). In reality, I have desired to backslide with literally ever girl with whom I've gone on four dates and was only prevented from actually doing so by Rachael's unwillingness to go along with it. So, of ten relationships, I have backslid for nine (90%) and have attempted it ten times (100%).

Now, whether or not 59% is unreasonable, I'm sure that there is room for debate. However, I think that we can all agree that 90% is unreasonable and 100% is right out. Why it's taken me this long to figure it out is beyond me. I guess that when you actually sit down and list things, and think about them, it makes you realize things. That's why I'm doing in this diary. I'm trying to dig deeper. I'm trying to go beyond the surface, back into the past that I didn't ever really deal with on OD. I'm not trying to idealize it, I'm trying to mine it for information about how I can stop doing stupid things in the future.

So, let's look at why I backslid. (Ordered chronologically back relationship, not by backslide date.)

Emily&Emily: Simply put, I was 13/14, and they were girls. Thirteen year old relationships generally breakup and get back together. You're not emotionally mature enough to handle a real relationship, but you're allowed to kiss each other!

Courtney: Courtney is a special case, as she is in everything else. After initial breakup, I spent nearly two years pining for her. This happened during the relationships with Lee and Whitney. After two years of not speaking, we became friends again, then ended up experimenting with the possibility of a relationship in 2006, 2007, and 2008. These were a bizarre mix of raging young adult hormones on my part, and an actual desire for a possible relationship on both of our parts.

Lee: She was a good friend. She was a good snog. I was a teenager. Also, I did care for her. In an odd way.

Amanda: I cared for her a lot. Our relationship ended because I decided to end it. Not because I wanted to, but because I thought we were holding each other back. Sadly, neither of us has ever met a person with whom we are more physically compatible, and, mentally, we're pretty darned good, too.

Niki: Reliable snog, constant companion, and such a part of my life that it seemed impossible that she wouldn't be around. She was just some kind of institution. Oftentimes, I fear that marriage is a lot like what I had with Niki. An initial legitimate interest, followed by years of inertia and regret because it's so hard to get away from what you've gotten yourself into. So, inertia and hormones.

Arielle: Again, she's a tricky case. I kinda gave her up a few times, but when I seriously decided, I actually did stick with it. However, by that point in time, it had been over for a while anyway. I stayed with her as long as I did because I needed a distraction from the Rachael mess that was mucking up my whole life.

Amber: Similar. The relationship was awful, but we were both vulnerable and lonely. Add incredibly physically needy to my description and you see why this ended badly and why it was so hard to end.

June: I'm bad at resisting seduction.

Evangeline: I'm bad at resisting opportunity.

If these make me sound like a bad person, it's probably because I am one. Seems reasonable that I'd sound like one as well. Still, that's kind of what I like about this new diary. I've got to force myself to be more open and honest, even if it's incredibly uncomfortable and even if I'm forced to stare some very bad decisions in the face.

So, let's look what we know so far: 1. I have attempted to backslide in all ten relationships I've actually been involved in.

Let's look what what we believe so far:
1. The end of a relationship should generally be the end of a relationship.

There is an obvious problem between what we know and what we believe. Therefore, there must be a reason why my actions do not make sense according to my beliefs. Not an excuse, a reason. Probably a dumb one. The common thread linking all of these backsliding stories is, obviously, physical desire. To complicate the matter, let's look at just the ten actual possible relationships and analyze my fidelity. Again, that's a bit hard to measure because of the complexities of casual relationships etc.. Overlapping relationships, ex girlfriends making thinly veiled suicide threats (that seem entirely plausible) for a goodnight kiss, complicated pre/post/during breakup dalliances, it's all quite rough. Though from a legal or technical standpoint I could argue that I've been physically true to several of these girls, the only two where I'm actually willing to unreservedly declare that I was true, would be Amber and June. Again, I'd argue Evangeline too, but I did kiss June after Evangeline and I were together, but that was once because June was threatening suicide. I felt awful and didn't enjoy it, but there really didn't seem to be another option. So, while forgivable, it was still infidelity. But even if we count Amber, June, and Evangeline, that still makes three. Those are not good odds. And they do not bode well for me as a moral man.

It seems that my desire for the physical overpowers all other considerations. And although I've long known this, it's interesting to have it shoved into my face so analytically. I was going to say eloquently, but this is probably one of the least readable things I've ever produced. So, we understand backsliding, and we understand physically why I do it, but it doesn't explain another phenomena that seems to afflict me. That is, an emotional attachment to ex girlfriends that seems unreasonable.

It's not just physical things that draw me to exes. I pined after Courtney for two years after the breakup. In many ways, I'm still recovering from the Rachael mess of six and a half years ago. Any time Amber mentions her boyfriend, I suddenly lose all ability to converse with her reasonably. Amanda and I rekindled before I lied to her about Evangeline and probably would have pursued a relationship eight years after our final breakup. I still talk about Lee frequently, and talk about her with some of my old friends. I wonder what it is. Is it that normal to spend so much time thinking about and talking to exes? Courtney is my best friend now, and we look on our old relationships as failed experiments. I think it's funny that, despite the fact that she's my best friend and married I don't really feel jealous.

I think part of this connects to my long held antipathy to change and alteration. At the same time, I find myself now excited by such things. Yet, I want there to be some world to go back to that is as I left it, or, at least, is recognizably close. I want my Circe and Calypso, but I want my Ithaca and my Penelope too. Or do I? I really don't know, and that, in a way, is a really good point to return to.

I don't know what I want.

I've always had a complex about relationships. They've always been necessary, but scary, and not to be trusted. My rule has always been to put them on the lowest priority level. As I've always seen my miserable parents do. Perhaps relationship advice from my miserable parents was not a good idea? Hmm. Should have thought that through a bit better. Still. Relationships are scary, but old ones are comforting. Miserable, but comforting. It's nice to be able to just go back in time, to have that old connection with the past. To be able to suddenly be eighteen again. Or sixteen again. Or twenty two again. If I held Rachael in my arms now, and had the freedom to do whatever I liked, for the duration of my passion, I would be the happiest man on earth. Because I'd be twenty one. And life is sweet when you're twenty one. Especially when you're me. And maybe that's what a part of all of this is. I want to be in some distant past, and I have often dated my life by whom I've dated. Maybe that's the reason why Courtney is so unique. She's just been a part of my life for so long that we can't date anything anymore. Three trysts (not counting the initial relationship and backslide), and we had to try to figure out the dates together just now. I can tell you the times for so many other women. But Courtney endures, as she has endured. Monolithic and somehow more real because she's not tied to some time or some sense of me. All of these girls existed at times and in places and were a part of my life when I was at a point in my life. They're the means of going back and remembering these times. But if I had Rachael in my arms and were I to be able to do all I could possibly desire, the next day, I'd be just as empty as before. And I know that. I've known that, in some form, for a long time. Because it's not really her I want, if it ever was. It's that feeling. It's that life.

It's that me.

I still believe that my time with Rachael ('06-'07) was the happiest of my life. I thought it was because of her. Was it? Was she the best because of when she had me? '06 is when I first became a star at The Theater. My career looked certain. By '07 I knew I'd go to Japan, and later that year I did. I'd lost a friend who had been a canker for a long time, and I'd developed a friendship with Courtney the likes of which I hadn't before imagined. Niki was good for the start of that time, and gone for most of the end. I had choices. I had options. And I had the moment. Things were good. I'm sure I bitched and whined and moaned, as is my custom, but they were good. And, in many ways, I knew it. We'd done Cats, we'd done Cabaret, we'd done so many shows I loved, I had friends all the time, I'd finally gotten Morgan! Things were all coming together. After I came back from Japan, after the Rachael breakup, things got bad. Niki and I were on bad terms, though we were still involved. Tris became distant due to his feelings for Arielle. I was back at OU and living at home again, which was unpleasant. The constant Rachael whining started to put stress on my friendship with Courtney. I got a job that seemed wonderful, discovered that I hated it, and promptly lost it. I gradually lost all of the amazing feelings I'd developed in Japan. I had changed, but I didn't know what I was yet. I couldn't be who I'd been before I went to Japan, and I couldn't be who I had been in Japan, and I couldn't adjust to who and what I was now (then). Things just kept going downhill. I had climaxed. I had peaked. Things were wonderful, and presiding over that period, was the memory of this girl who I almost certainly invented. And I want that life back. I've always wanted that life back. I want that feeling, and I want that existence. I want those goals. I want that confidence. I want that hope. I want that sense of accomplishment, however silly the accomplishments were. I want to view that I understand things, or that things were understandable. Twenty one was when I felt like I knew everything, and the last time I felt like I knew anything.

Maybe that's what I'm missing?

Maybe it's the world I miss, not just the women. Fidelity is a problem of the pants. I think that much is relatively clear. But this lingering emotional attachment? I think that's something deeper. Something far worse. Something far more real, for being something completely intangible. For the first time, in a long time, I think I've had a new idea. Let's see how it develops.

I hereby declare this diary a success.