Inadvertent - 22.02.14 in Your Face

I needed more washing powder the other day, having finally used up the stockpile that M and I had. I grabbed a small box of whatever was on sale, not really paying attention. Took it home and used it. As I hung up the clean clothes, I realised that it was the same powder I had been using right before I went to the US last time. The smell brings back vivid memories of that first week there. Now I feel anxious and upset when I smell it. That week was one of the best in my life, and now it feels so far away, and like I'll never get anything even close to that again.

After running my errands this morning, I've locked myself in my room. I'm so restless, though. Can't read or sit through a movie. Sitting down to a meal is just impossible. What is the matter with me? I am trying to use that restlessness to get some small tasks done, cleaning etc.

I just feel too sad and lonely. Fell asleep for 3 hours in the middle of the day today. I could have slept longer except my brother's dumb dog was crying outside my window.

I am someone who will wait their turn in a queue without complaint. I'll wait hours in doctors' waiting rooms, wait on slow service in a restaurant, no problem. I understand that things happen to cause those sorts of delays and that there's nothing I can do about it. This is a different sort of waiting, where I can't understand or estimate how much longer I will, realistically, be waiting. I don't know what I'm waiting for, or whether the reward will be worth the time spent. The waiting, in this case, is nearly unbearable. I say nearly, because I haven't yet lost my mind, so I must still be bearing it, right? But every day, week, month the damage gets worse.