Faith in Current Events

I struggled to sleep again last night. I am starting to finally stress about my situation. I’ve been out of work for fourteen weeks now and I am almost out of savings. I do not want to regret this time off. I used to long for the day that I could leave that place and never turn back. Running that store was so stressful and it took up a lot of space in my life. This being the year that everything wants to manifest, losing that job was actually a huge blessing. I have so much more room to grow now… but that is my problem. I have to admit to myself that I am terrified to start something new. That fear has actually been crippling.

I do like picturing my future though. I have an end game and a half-ass plan to do it and all that I have to do is get started. Like, yesterday. Like, a month ago actually. Maybe I should start a decade ago? Theoretically, in 3-5 years I’ve quit another shitty job, I’ve completed my faculty at the university, I’ve completed my practicum at a clinic and I’ve passed a national exam and I’m officially a licensed dietician. In five years I should be stressing about trying to open my own clinic and these next couple of years is all behind me. My cousin Stacy once told me that a lot of people want displacement. To just go from point A to point B without going the distance. They don’t want to grind. He’s right, in my case anyway. Then he started telling me a story about a man that Jesus told could walk on water and he was successful until he doubted that it was possible for one second. Jesus was like “Yo when I tell you that you can walk on water then you can walk on water son! So long as you put your faith in me!” I never understood the point of his story there but my takeaway was that I have to put my faith in something if I want to get anywhere.

I have been too scared to look at my finances. It will make my situation too real but I suppose that I do need to deposit a reality check. I’ve been seeing the manifest numbers again aggressively and for some reason, I feel that whatever it is that is coming or going in my life will be happening next week. I can’t shake the feeling that I need to link up with my cousin Curtis. That he will help me in some way. My roommates are going out of town next week, I will invite Curtis over for some cheap wine and conversation. There is a 50/50 chance that I will regret that. He will get brown girl wasted, start doing rails of cocaine and turn a quaint Monday evening into a huge party of one. He’s a thirty year old twink. He will give me a good pep talk though if anything.

Also! This trailer dropped the other day and omg I HAVE to read these books again now. This and Westworld are going to give me life mama

Last updated July 21, 2019