Three Types of Pain in Current Events

So yesterday I cried. Now I feel a little more alive. I just go numb sometimes. Not even music can reach me. I don’t even realize when I’m in a dark place because I just make myself comfortable. Hello darkness my old friend. (Shameless emo moment)

I did not wake up with my cold today. I don’t feel great but I at least don’t feel like shit so that’s a start. Speaking of starts… that’s what I need to do. I need to start moving forward with my life. I am going to look online for work and get my resume out there. I am going to aim for money. If that means I end up managing another restaurant again then so be it. I’ll be miserable but I need to grow my savings and get myself back in school. Change is not comfortable, there is a lot of growing pains and my mind wants to protect me from that hurt and suffering. It does that by making me very afraid of that pain.

We fear three types of pain:

Loss pain - We will only see the things that we are losing. The favourite foods we can’t eat if we start a new diet, the relationships that we will lose if we quit that job we hate etc
Process pain - Change is a lot of work. We will overwhelm ourselves with all the little things that we have to change. Like having to find new places to eat because of a new diet, having to make new connections with people at a new job etc
Outcome Pain - These are the what-ifs. What if this diet does not work out? What if I suck at this new job and I get fired?

The more we focus on these pains the more the brain says “No! I don’t want to do that! I don’t want to experience that!” I need to reprogram my mind and make it a habit to think positively instead. I’m not losing my favourite foods when I start a new diet, I am adding new foods into my life. I am gaining new relationships when I start a new job. I need to think about the payoffs from all the hard work. What if it all works out? What if this opportunity grows into something even better than I thought? Switching from negative thoughts to positive ones is super simple! But not easy lol. I am always talking about this shit and then I always end up failing miserably at it. Am I doing my best? Absolutely not. That’s on me and nobody else. I need to get my head in the right place and I mean that in a perverted way. Just kidding lol. I think? Ew, anyways I should take a break from writing entries. Less talk, more action ya know?
ta

[edit]
I just learned that I have been talking in my sleep. A few nights ago my sister thought that I left my TV on. Last night she thought that I was arguing with somebody in my room. She concluded that I must be talking in my sleep. That would explain why I wake up with a sore throat on some random mornings. What the fuck am I saying in my sleep? And why am I shouting? I better not be talking about my deepest darkest secrets. I am going to start wearing clothes to bed just in case I start sleepwalking lol. The story that I am telling myself is that I am talking to spirits. They’ll sometimes try and communicate with me but I ignore them. I get random tastes, smells, emotions and visions in my head of random things if I am not seeing or hearing them directly. Of course, I could be schizophrenic but I don’t my reality is broken one bit. I don’t really like to talk about it but I have experience with lucid dreams in which I have real-time conversations with people that have passed on to the other side. Also with other entities on the other side. Maybe my reality IS broken? lol

Last updated July 17, 2019