Explaining what happened{trigger mentions} in ❅journal 2019❅

Basically, remember i said Esty is nineteen?

Keep it in mind. Shit went bad. Bad.

I’m going to put what Esty and I said below. I already had a panic attack over it. I took a hot ass shower due to it and im about ten timws more suicidal then yesterday.

Yes im fucking dumb. And i asked for it. I get it.

H: what is it?
E: hm we tell each other what naughty stuff to do to ourself
H: im already dripping tbh (i wasn’t: i just didn’t want to say no but also do that shit)
E: heh thats really hot
are u getting close or just started
H: close
E: well what about you cum for me then~
i mean if i was there right now i would rub my fingers all over your pussy~
H: my pussssy? (I tend to start typing wierd when panicked or anxious)
E: yes your hot pussy
i would rub it really fast for you~
i would play with your clit and then rub it on your pussy~
ah yes, rub it for me~
H: im cummingbyes im rubbibg nhh
E: cum for me baby
cum on my fingers
H: yes anything
feels so goood
E: yes it does~
did you cum sweety~ (yes....he calls me this)
H: i cummed
E: hehe thats nice
are you still in the mood?:3
H: feels so good
E: are you still rubbing it
H: yesss
E: hmm thats so hot
im not touching my thing but im rubbing it on my bed kinda right now.. (I start to feel scared but keep quiet)
H: nhhhhhh
E: are you close again?
H: closer and closer
E: yes baby cum for me (get more scared but keep quiet. Start to breath heavy)
think of my thing~
how im rubbing it~
H: yeesssssss gonna cum gonna cummm
E: cum for me
H: my panties are so wet ( shame comes in)
E: hehe thats really hot
i really wonder how soaked panties look like
are you still horny? (Panic aytack starts creeping)
H: cantt
hurtsss to breath
E: are you alright sweety?
H: hurrtts
E: calm down sweety
slowly breathe
H: caanttt

I’ll show the rest later. After the rest and my panicking i had a breakdown. I contacted my friend who ERPS and sent screenshots of the following that happened after this and she was shocked and seemingly disgusted. She told md not to hurt myself and seemed pretty much sick to her stomach with me.

I’m not going to blame Esty though im honestly shocked. I need go stop being so trusting. I cried to another friend who proceeded to hear me tell every detail and they came go conclusion i was fine but Esty definitely was in the wrong/possibly manipulating me with him saying later on it was our little secret/never tell anyone what happened which I agreed fearing I’d be seen as dirty.

Ofcourse i told my best friend who proceeded to state he wanted to kill esty and started trying to comfort me as i broke down and started apologize for not being there to protect me and for not helping me with my growing stress.

(The reason he felt so guilty was because he typically protects me from harm when he can and learned i had a similar situation after we lost touch as kids due to him leading me down a certain path.)

I’m not going to tell anyone else about it. Its my fault.