last entry in 2019

um. so in my last entry. well actually i hadn’t finished it since there’s more. but for some reason pb didn’t save the entire thing only the part people um saw. not asking for advice. [do i ever? ha no.]. um and i hate repeating myself in entries right away. so anyway. here’s the rest of it.
right so i was talking about the order evan had placed against him. yes that kindof order the legal document kind. and please don’t state what it actually is. i hate. when i’m vague about something on purpose and then someone. tells me what i’m being vague about. like yeah i know there’s a reason i’m being vague. yeah. i’ll get to it. kindof feels like they’re rushing me which i also. don’t like.
uh. right. so if anyone should have an order. the legal document kind. placed against them it should be my ex for threatening me when we were together. but i never did that. no i wouldn’t’ve. bc i’m that private. i told 2 people about it my friend Mark and muriel’s daughter cathy who. wasn’t all that helpful. she’s ‘call my uncle’. right well if i’d wanted that i would’ve done that myself. like i went to her not her uncle. don’t just write me off like that. and besides the fact that cathy’s too nice that’s the other reason i don’t like her. i don’t like being written off. she’s the only person i’ve ever deleted from my main fb. like if a friend of mine. was doing heroin i wouldn’t just write them off like that. no they came. to me w/ that info. not someone else. me specifically. i feel like writing someone off is just. being disrespectful and taking the time or effort to talk to them about w/e it is. also they know they need to go to rehab and probably should. i’m not going to insult their intelligence by stating the obvious.
w/ Mark however. all he said was ‘it’s interesting you’re still w/ him despite that’ and that was it. Mark didn’t tell me what to do or not do or who to call. mark actually made it about me telling him. and didn’t write me off.
um. but yeah no that’s not why my ex & i broke up.
Right so. back a little over 6.5 yrs. ago. evan didn’t um. end up having the order being put against him. bc well the guy’s crazy as fuk. he’s neurotic. no i’m not being insens. he actually does have a few mental disorders. unless it’s me. making jokes about my own. mental disorders i won’t make jokes about them. bc i find that offensive to those of us who actually have them. and that’s why i won’t. but i think. i should’ve gone in the car w/ them. bc i actually knew and understood him better. then they did. and i knew how to um handle him. my sister far as i know. doesn’t have. experience w/ people who have mental disorders. i do.
what really gets me. is she didn’t even take the time to get to know him. yeah i was scared of him too but other then in my blog. i certainly wouldn’t’ve told anyone offline. like i really need someone to protect me. esp. a guy yeah no. which i’ll get to later. um. like she didn’t ask him ‘hey what do you like about my sister?’ or ‘what movies do you like?’ or ‘what food do you like?’ or you know anything. like wow. thanks for treating my friend like he’s. not even like a person. how cold and disrespectful can someone be ya know? wow. yes. i know i’ve stated he i aren’t. like really friends. anymore. now. no this was back when we were. and far as i know. she has never. apologised for that. i mean yeah if she doesn’t feel she’s done anything wrong then. to her she has nothing to apologise for. just like w/ her regarding. all of that. i don’t see that i did anything wrong. she i’ve never talked about it. and so now. ever since i’ve felt i’ve had to step up for her. bc she didn’t. when i shouldn’t have to. on her behalf. no that should be her responsibility. oh but that’s right she won’t bc she doesn’t talk to him. [neither do i. currently.]. step up or step aside.
so 2 things. one when i was 26 i ran off from the place i was staying. at. and went back to my place my sister found me. [well it’s not like i was lost to me i wasn’t anyway. i knew exactly where i was.]. and. she’d brought a guy friend of hers not leo another one. to protect her. bc they thought evan would be there which btw he wasn’t. [her friend was a] nice guy but that’s not the point. wow. it’s kindof sad she felt she had to do that. instead of standing on her own 2 ft. ya know..........she’s seemingly a feminist but. idinno.............if she wants to find a guy to protect her then go back to the 1950’s. but this is the age of modern women. ya know. there were shield maidens during the times of the vikings who didn’t need a man to protect them. 873. and thank god. and thank god i’m not like that. no the shield maidens were. well actually it’s viking mythology but the point being.
i hate. asking for help bc i feel like it makes me weak. less of a person. and don’t tell me otherwise it won’t work. like in the store i won’t ask where something is. i don’t believe in doing that. what a woman can’t find it herself? wow.
bc of my depression. i’m fearless no i’m brave as hell. independent. brave as hell. and my sister...........idinno. she says her best quality is that she’s strong but given the instance above........idinno about that. course i’d have to be this brave to put up w/ all i’ve gone through. but apparently. my sister has no problem w/ self-enabling. how is that helping her? oh right bc it’s not. guess she likes staying stuck. [oh that’s funny coming from me given how much i don’t like change. but at least i’m massively emotionally independent.]. i won’t ask for help unless i’m having a difficult time. i mean maybe that’s obvious. but..........idinno. i guess that was it. no that’s a real thing. there have been studies about that. for a lot of addicts. they will mentally. stay the same age they were when they quit. and she quit when she was um 24, 25. no but even at my parents’. it’s like she expects others to clean up after her. no you do it. don’t self-enable. like it’s ok if someone doesn’t want to clean up after themselves right away...........but do it at some point. my only exception. is if someone physically can’t. but she can. i don’t enable. i think i’ve mentioned this before. and i hate when people enable me. you want something done do it your damn self.
she’s in her late 20’s. [dear god my younger sister is in her late 20’s.]. i think it’s time for her to stop self-enabling.
um. i feel. like i’ve had. to be emotionally independent bc i’m not one of those people who’s had the same friend like all their life. ya know like my good friends kept changing..........there was Ali when i was 17 then Lindsey then Michael at 24. then Pat/Evan. so like i was the constant. in that.
oh right the second thing. yeah so. one day when i was yeah i must’ve been 26 cause from may to 2013 to march of 2014 i lived at my mom’s. or 27. um anyway. one day i stupidly dropped. a piece of paper i had w/ evan’s number on it. and. my sister found it. but she didn’t come to me first. it’s not about who she came to: it’s that it wasn’t me. i’m not that fragile but people sure like to think i am. thanks for insulting me. wow.
so yeah now. we don’t talk.
um there’s probably more. right yeah so. the first night evan stayed w/ me was the day of Pat’s service. it was snowing like mad that day i remember that. i don’t remember. much of what happened, once we got to my place but apparently i drank. [well. when didn’t i.]. i only know this cause i asked. him. evan. and it’s not like i was going to be cold enough to turn him away esp. not that day. my sister might’ve though. but she’s also not a super compassionate person so. probably shouldn’t be all that surprised. and i’m not really. i just. think she should’ve gotten to know him.
so i think. and i know i’ve mentioned this before. that diane my former neighbor had something to do w/ it all. she & i’d. never established a confidentiality agreement. right bc i didn’t think we had to! bc it seems like i’d thought. at the time that if she was going to. break my confidentiality she’d come to me first. and if someone doesn’t and it gets back. to me then that’s it we’re done. i don’t talk much to that person. i haven’t asked her side of things. well i mean i also haven’t seen the woman in yrs. being that i. you know moved out and all. she lived right next door to me and i know she’d seen evan. and she probably in fact she did. have my parents’ number so. stands to reason. and this is why i don’t get to know my neighbors. that’s exactly why. whether or not i know someone. regardless. i probably won’t trust them much untill. i find out their confidentiality policy. i trust Mark and evan more then i trust most people. bc i know i can. ya know? but evan i don’t talk so. oh. right. well technically they’re. they’re not my neighbors they’re the neighbors of the couple i live w/. but the point being.
there was only once. when evan was staying w/ me that i would. not allow him to leave. but beyond that he could come and go as he pleased. i wasn’t going to put parameters on his coming and going. esp. as he’d never been violent. w/ me. also he didn’t have a key so. and that one night. what had happened. was at the time between me and him no one else. and i was going to keep it that way.
oh yeah. so. the day he left my place back in may 2013. well. what i mentioned above. is the exact reason i think. that even before something goes to court. a psychologist should be brought in. bc they understand mental health. as do i. problem is some people don’t trust psych. people straight away i know i certainly don’t. like i don’t think. people should be allowed to make decisions for others depending. apparently. for instance the cops aren’t actually required to read people their Miranda rights. i think again depending. but i think they should be i think the person they arrest should be informed. if they arrest them w/e. but at least inform them. treat them like they’re. you know people. otherwise it’s just. kindof not even acknowledging the person and i don’t think that’s right. oh. wait a minute that’s what a lot of cops already do. so. people aren’t allowed to touch them but when arresting someone they’re allowed. [well that’s not another way that works.]. to touch the person oh ok i see how it is. they want people to trust them and yet. at the same time. their job is to intimidate people. yeah how’s that workin out? not well i’d imagine. and that’s a reason i wouldn’t go to them. besides you know the trust thing. so i actually. while i’m tangent-ing here. agree. w/ the decision starbucks made. [also um i don’t like cops so.]. i don’t know if people realise this. but businesses do have that right. or maybe it’s just parts of the u.s. legal system i don’t agree w/. yeah in um. the netherlands they have these things called needle exchanges. oh i just looked it up. and it’s a service. apparently. that allows um drug users to obtain needles like for drugs. no i mean as opposed to sewing needles which is why i’m clarifying. which yes ok is enabling. the um addict. but at the same time. seems those people in the netherlands who have those programs. are more compassionate then some here. they don’t like shun or judge the addicts. for being addicts. also honestly maybe some addicts are better. not being sober i know i am. no one. wants to see me sober including me it is not good.
idinno while i’m tangent-ing here. um. ..............i don’t like the idea. that some people have. of all people who have mental disorders are violent. or are going to buy a gun. cause no we’re not. we’re the same some. of us amount of violent as those w/o. mental disorders that is. i’m not violent and also have no desire to bu a gun cause well i don’t want one. i don’t like them i find them too aggressive. frankly that mindset that some people have. is offensive and insulting to those of us w/ mental disorders.
if people are going to be stupid enough. to aggravate someone who has. a mental disorder and is already upset then. um. like come on. don’t put your hand knowingly in the flytrap knowing what they do. there are 2 options there: either. approach them calmly and w/ compassion. or. leave them. the fuk. alone. but don’t fukin aggravate them i mean really. this kindof reminds me of my sister, leo and evan and them all being the car. he evan evidently was upset and ranting. due to one of his mental disorders. and i think they presumably drove him to the courthouse. really like that’s supposed to help? [well. where should they have?] there was back to my place but that bird had flown by that time. also. i’m really damn entitled. like in the mall when someone is asking one of the workers where something is and i’m sitting. right there yeah that bothers me. um but yeah that’s the place i would’ve most wanted him to be driven back. to. um but back to the flytrap thing. although yes. i have compassion for people who have mental disorders and addictions.
sorry um.
i mean i kindof get it. now. why he blames himself. bc that day the day of Pat’s service. he could have in fact gone to Muriel’s. could have made a different choice. not maybe a better one just a different one. but. what my sister/former neighbor/whoever. chose to do w/ the info they had at the time. wasn’t his responsibility nor mine.

Last updated May 07, 2020