it's not about what i want anymore. and family stuff. things. in 2007: March 1: transferred fom FOD

so idinno. i love evan i do but like. we’re not uh. really friends. i started to lose him actually. the night we met which evidently was in june i think. i was um 24 i was w/ my now ex. and evan wanted to date me. so i took him outside and. rejected him bc well. i was w/ my now ex. and he. he didn’t take it well partially due to his mental disorder. evan that is. i feel like i might’ve told this story before. maybe. and so that’s. when i started to lose him. and it’s not his fault and it would be easier somehow if it was.
um. so right like i said. it’s not about what i want anymore. no bc what i want i can’t have. sure if. throughout the yrs. i’ve known him he’d have called me regularly. the way he was when i was living back at stephanie’s. We might not be in this situation. but ya know. it’s about what’s best for me. and for a long time i put myself last and didn’t start to move on. i didn’t start to move on untill i was like 28, 29. and i’m 31 now. this is why. people shouldn’t become friends w/ people who. don’t have a permanent phone number. cause at times it is massively difficult.
yeah i think i’ve recently blogged about the above seems like i did.............. people can of course. but just be warned it’s massively difficult. Short of just taking off and looking for the guy. which i’m not going to do for maybe obvious reasons. there’s nothing else i can do really. oh but actually. i looked it up. and i found his last known address. Back then 6 yrs. ago. i’d told him not to tell me it in case like. the police or anyone asked. and he didn’t. that way if anyone did. ask and i told them i didn’t have it i wasn’t being dishonest. but the last known address. is apparently the same place he’d lived in. back then. unless he’s in detox or something. i mean i don’t know. ya know i can only guess. and that place. according to what i found online. isn’t where i thought it was. back. at the time when online i was looking for it sans address which i legitimately didn’t have at the time. i only looked for the exterior of the place. but for some reason. i seem to remember a tall black iron fence. and that is nowhere in the picture. i’ve been downtown a lot. though not recently. [downtown denver. well and by which i mean 16th st. cause to me ‘downtown’ only consists of one st.]. and from my memory, of it. there isn’t a tall black fence anywhere. so i’m wondering.........unless that’s another memory that has nothing to do w/ anything. but i just. somehow my brain thinks it is. strange.
oh right. so there is a forum i belong to online. that is for people who’ve been sexually violated. [well the members there post about other things.]. and I posted about my current situation. the evan letting go one. and in the title of the um. post I stated it might be confusing. and one of the members she [i presume this member was a ‘she’ a woman] said ‘i’m sorry you’re confused’. one. unless it’s something really big. don’t ever apologise to me for how i’m feeling. ever. fukin validate but don’t apologise. and 2. i’m not. confused. I don’t remember ever saying i was? oh right cause i didn’t. and she. gave me advice which i hate. I feel like when people do that it’s insulting as i’ve mentioned. so. I pretty much shot that member down. which admittedly i probably shouldn’t’ve done. i didn’t like. ‘yell’ at them or namecall. [well. i usually don’t do the latter. like even if i don’t like someone. i usually don’t do that. i’ll be ‘i don’t like this person’ or ‘i don’t think this person sets a v. good example.]. ya know i’m more. thoughtful when it comes to things like that i guess? is a way to put it? like if i don’t like what. well for example the lady i live w/ has done. [or at times hasn’t done the right way.]. i’ll namecall in my head. but i won’t do that online or when talking to people about her. one thing i don’t like that about that site is how annoyingly nice everyone is. oh. in my reply i stated ‘no. i’m not confused’ and also in regards to their advice ‘yeah. i know’ like yeah i know i got it. but ya know thanks for stating the obvious and insulting me at the same time. awesome. see this is why i won’t give advice. as i’ve stated i don’t enable. i think people are pretty capable of solving their own problems. ya know? i didn’t mention that last part though. i don’t know. I didn’t want to thank them for the advice when. i didn’t appreciate it in the first place i’m not that polite or nice. that’s a little fake in my opinion. i mean. and then i left the reply there. just a few short sentences. i didn’t go on endlessly about how bothered i was. which you know was probably a good thing i didn’t. In fact in my signature on that site. it even states ‘please no advice’. and when people ignore things like that i feel like they’re not listening to me. and i don’t like that. or even when i tell someone something and they repeat it. i feel like i’m not being listened to. were we not paying attention? no apparently not.

so. this really has not much to do w/ anything. er any of the above i mean. well on the 4th. i met my new cousin Zoe my cousin Megan’s daughter. She’s only like not even a yr. old. she’s a nice a good baby. we were all outside and for that reason i did not want to hold her. omygod no. like this is another human being ya know? it had been offered but no. one thing. i can’t stand is when people use that stupid high pitch physically nauseating voice when talking to kids/pets. which my aunt joan did. ok just bc the kid/pet enjoys it........doesn’t mean everyone else does. this is another reason i don’t want pets. is cause i don’t want to turn into ‘that person’. the person who does that. no really i actually get slightly physically sick from hearing that. People who do that should really be more considerate. i know that may seem a bit selfish. and that’s a reason i wanted to leave. bc of how bothered i was/am by it.
oh so. Zoe’s pretty well behaved. she doesn’t cry a whole lot although that’s the only time i’d met her. so. When she started to get upset. again my sister talked to Zoe like she’s my sister’s kid. my sister doesn’t have kids. um. that’s what her parents are for. i felt like she was just. ignoring the fact that Megan and Tyler that’s megan’s husband. were there and were able to do that themselves. like ‘omygod there’s no one else around so i have to be the only person to do this’. dear god. calm the fuk down. she has parents. they’re here. they were there. let them handle it. whereas w/ me if someone’s upset. i’ll validate them. i’ll be like ‘i’m the same way so i get it’ or ‘that sounds hard’ if i don’t actually fully relate. but i’m not going to talk to anybody like. they’re 2 even if they actually are. No i believe in talking to people like we’re equals just. not about the same things depending on the age. and maybe it didn’t bother Megan and Tyler that’s how my sister was. but it sure bothered me. i don’t have a lot of experience w/ kids. like kids that i know. and apparently my sister was born when i was 3 so. i’m just you know quiet. and let their parents take the lead. but in that instance I won’t take over like that as i feel that isn’t respectful. i also feel like it’s impolite. i won’t make faces at babies/kids. i feel like t hat’s. fake somehow. well i’m also viewing all this through the eyes of an adult no i know. i also. wasn’t raised w/ the concept of ‘it takes a village’. as i’ve mentioned. once when Zoe seemed upset by my mom’s new toothpick holder i turned it away. from her Zoe. but even that’s. letting her parents decide how to handle her becoming upset. sorry but i don’t like being around crying kids. at least if i’m out and that happens i can leave ya know? so usually it works out. yeah i like my aunt joan she’s a nice lady. but i didn’t care for the experience.
uh so. while i’m going on about things that bother me. as i often am. well so on uh. fri. my parents & i had dinner w/ my uncle the one who talks a lot. [cause my other 2 uncles don’t. oh they’re my mom’s brothers not. you know.]. no the one who talks a lot is my dad’s brother. anyway. er no wait we had lunch. w/ him and his lady. and ya know when i first heard about it. all i knew. was we were having lunch w/ them. not what we were having or whether or nit it would be a buffet. well. we were having potato salad. rather i had potato salad. they had that and fried chicken. but apparently i hate not knowing. whereas w/ going out to eat. usually we got to the same place and i get the same thing and i know how it all works. btw. it turned out to be a buffet. I had decided I was going to have potato salad. when i found out. that’s what we were um having. yeah but. my uncle’s lady had gone ‘what do you want? we have potato salad i can make rice.........’ um. it’s a buffet. i think the way those work is each person takes what they want and then comes back for more. yeah pretty sure. so don’t offer me another alternative when i’ve already decided and also it’s a buffet. it’s amazing to me that she didn’t seem to understand the concept of buffets. again i said ‘seem’. i don’t like that kindof attention. and i think potato salad’s a good choice. unless, you know. someone doesn’t like it, or something. and that’s fine.
ya know. at my mom’s when we’ve had family over. She’s told me what we’re having. and usually my sister will make something. and in the warm months. we’ve had the buffet thing on the kitchen table and eaten outside like we did the 4th. you know we’ll have a few different options for food. actually. back when i knew just that we were having lunch. w/ my uncle and his lady. i wanted. to get potato salad and bring it. but only for me. bc like. i knew what it is. but idinno.......that seems kindof selfish to only bring it for me........when it’s something like that. vs. it being for everybody. my aunt joan had actually brought some for lunch on the 4th but it was for everyone. my uncle one of my mom’s brothers. he has food allergies. so he’ll often bring his own certain. like salad dressing or w/e. but that’s different from someone who doesn’t. have food allergies. but sometimes people bring their own food bc it’s a culture thing i think. no but my point was. i wanted to bring something. to the lunch on fri. that i knew. instead of it being this vague ‘lunch’. i like knowing the theme. and the info ya know?
but yeah. it all worked out.
i don’t like. when hosts get their co. beverages. cause i feel like that’s being enabling which. i don’t believe in. i will never be that person. which this woman my uncle’s lady did. but she got them for everybody. idinno i feel like she sees herself as my mom. and not in the good way. i already have a mom and she’s. really good.
she’s [new lady] so. happy and i’m just not. i’m really low key. like idinno people being that naturally happy that’s not real. and she’s kindof i don’t know ‘loud’ in a way bc of that. however. this time she didn’t ask if i wanted more food. no. i don’t want to feel obligated to eat just bc of someone else. my mom won’t do that. and it’s not that my mom doesn’t care. it’s that. she realises that’s not an approach i respond well to. also as a recovering anorexic. i’ve learned mainly through reading it online. that don’t. say anything about someone’s size or the amount they’re eating. if someone goes ‘that pizza looks good’, or something. if i happen to be eating pizza. then it’s ok. or compliments someone on anything other then their food intake/weight/size. like ‘hey i like your shoes’ or w/e. cause shoes are gender neutral. i even get uncomfortable when others talk about their own weight/size. like god uh this is awkward. yeah it amazes me that someone can be that naturally happy which. she is.
my uncle’s lady. she talks a lot. my aunt lynne my uncle’s ex. well they’re divorced. i liked her better bc she wasn’t. such a talker she was more like me. you know quiet and low key. mellow far as i know. not so. intense. i won’t tell people that bc of how it sounds. but yeah. i do like my aunt lynne better. honestly i’m glad my sister didn’t come on fri. bc she’s also. intense so.
so. well i wanted to see their house. i didn’t hate being there. and i don’t greatly dislike the woman my uncle’s new lady. but she’s not my fave person either. i wouldn’t randomly hit her up so we could go do something. like no. which is funny cause she seems to like me a whole lot. yeah so that’s a reason i went was to see their new house. it’s up in Parker which took like an hr. to get to. and if my mom hadn’t gone i wouldn’t’ve. yeah i did that once. the new lady, my uncle, my dad & i all went out to dinner and i didn’t like it as a recall. so. but i wanted her to go for her not for me. my mom that is. which was why i didn’t say too much when we were talking about it. and i like my uncle and wanted to see him. i just wasn’t too excited about seeing his new lady. and now i remember why. oh they played classical music which. again i don’t hate but it doesn’t do much for me either. emotionally. usually. the reason i love the theme from ‘swan lake’ is bc it does. i love the build. i listen to music for emotional reasons not. technical reasons. by which i mean the way something is played.
also. i really hate when people mispronounce my name it’s said ‘Ann’ like Anne Boleyn. the ‘e’ is silent. or, for the latin americans out there. as in san francisco. cause it’s not a latin american name it’s an English name. and that’s why i want to be the one to introduce myself to someone. so i can tell them how my name is said. 1. i’m not 12 and 2. 5.5 yrs. ago when in the bar. i corrected the guy who later on, raped me. on how to say it. he ignored that. and mispronounced it. and that’s the real reason i hate when people do that. mispronounce it that is. [as well as the other thing cause obviously that’s horrible.]. oh yeah my uncle’s lady mispronounces my name. but really. it’s when anyone does it not just her. i guess. it’s also respectful to ask. i knew this guy named ‘douglas’. and i once hit him up on fb and asked ‘do you prefer ‘doug’ or ‘douglas?’ and he told me the latter. but to him it was more that i asked. that’s an example of how i’m respectful even though. um in general i’m not massively respectful. i’d rather have someone call me something that sounds like ‘Ann’ then mispronounce it. really. cause them doing that doesn’t bother me at all. sorry. i ramble of course.
so. i don’t know. guess that was it for right now.