Pressed in Current Events

I just spent the last two hours at the casino. I flexed and then lost $210. iDumb. My savings is running out and I need to start my job search sooner than I wanted because I got desperate and wanted to get out of the house and do something. I am throwing a pity party later if anybody is interested just let me know. I’ll be getting drunk and pointing my finger at the world for all my problems. Oh yes, it’s going to be like old times!

My sister and Matt are cooking a roast and they invited Matt’s sister over and their cousin Ashley. They brought their men and their kids with them so now I have a full house and I’m feeling pretty antisocial right now. The whole house smells like onions, garlic and something that’s been dead for weeks. Everybody keeps coming downstairs into my space. iCan’t with this house.

When I left the house for the casino I was feeling fat. I’ve been a big bloated bitch most of the week and I can’t get my gut back to its original health. I don’t understand why this is happening to me. I think I am starting to develop a slight body dysmorphic disorder. I seem to think that I need to lose more weight… and I’m a skinny legend. I need to stop looking at myself in the mirror. This happens whenever I miss a day of exercise. The last few days I have been too busy binging shows on Netflix. Altered Carbon, Dark, Stranger Things....... .... .. .. … . .. .. .. ....... .... .. … .. .. … I need a life.

I have been thinking about calling Colleen the last few days and the universe manifested that by having her accidentally boob dial me last night. We talked for a couple of hours. I’m so glad that happened. I can always be myself with her. She was shocked to hear that I got fired. The rumour she heard was that I quit my job of 13 years to move to Wolsely and be a proper hippie. Wolsely is a part of my city that is known for being full of hippies. Everyone thinks that I am granola now because I went vegan & grew my hair out. Truth is… I don’t even care what anybody else thinks about me. Except for strangers… my social anxiety is obsessed with what they think.

I believe that I am experiencing some sexual frustration. I opened up Grindr yesterday and my inbox was full of nudes. White bi-curious twinks who don’t even know how to say hello. I don’t even know what their faces look like lol. I think it is like almost every gay man’s dream to break in a straight boy. At least they fantasized about it at least once in their life. Unless I am wrong but I was that twink once. I put on a little eyeliner for the first time and BOOM! I thought I was a 10. Then I invented the selfie back on Myspace, no not really but I lowkey felt that I was pretty enough to convert a straight boy. I grew out of that SO fast thanks to my mother. I was so full of myself back then. Anyways! Like, why can’t I get those nudes from yesterday out of my head? I’m an unemployed 33 year old gay man who lives in his sister’s basement. I’m finally Grindr material… as I just shade everybody reading this. Grindr material for the Winnipeg gay scene I should say.

I think I am just feeling very pressed lately because I have to get employed, move out and apply for University and/or go back to highschool for more credits or better grades and do all of that within a couple of months. This is probably why my gut health has not been up to par. Theoretically, my life right now would be rock bottom for most but I don’t think that my life fell apart at all! I believe everything is exactly where it needs to be and that the universe removed everything and everyone that was holding me back. What is the opportunity here? I have an opportunity to create a new future, write a new chapter and take control of my life. Prosebox shows old entries in the corner of the page that I wrote whatever years ago. Two years ago today I wrote an entry called Adrift. >Click Here< if you wish to read it. Anyway, I was feeling lost. That I had no mission in life. That I had just made myself comfortable in a life that I did not feel was worth living. I’m finally out of that place in my life. I just need to smarten up here and stop making bad choices like going to a casino. I’ve been seeing the manifest numbers again, aggressively, and I don’t know why I was thinking that it meant that I was going to win big on a slot machine. It just means that something is coming or going in my life that I need. If only I could get myself out of this toxic epistemic state of ambivalence that I am in.

Anyways, I’m going to go dip into my wine now and start pregaming for my pity party. Ok! For real though, when I finally have a place to myself I am going to throw a themed party. A pity party where we all come dressed like we’re depressed and eat like garbage and play lame board games or something all night lol. I’ll put on my emo music from the 2000s lol. It will be fun. I need to make better friends first. iHate my friends and I am pretty sure that the feeling is mutual.

Last updated July 06, 2019