Fly Right in Current Events

I suppose that I did let my demons come out and play yesterday. I don’t know why I let myself do that. I was at constant war with myself, countering every negative thought and feeling throughout the day. I keep having to remind myself that there is love here in this house. That there is love here with my family and my friends. That there is love here for myself. I made the decision to do nothing yesterday and take it easy after picking up some groceries. I am not good at being lazy and I am not good at taking anything easy. I ignored my phone and I forgot that I made plans with Curtis. He reached out to me to let me know that he was actually free all day and he did not get a reply from me until I was getting ready for bed. Sorry about it. I binged a Netflix series called Altered Carbon which was phenomenal. There is a second season coming but it won’t be the same cast or story which sucks because Joel Kinnaman is so beautiful. I’m not really into Caucasian Americans but I was smitten the whole time.

My body was not acting normal this past weekend. I was voiding my bowels up to five times a day. Gross to talk about I know, I’ve been waiting for a detox day which is when that usually happens but it doesn’t last a whole weekend? I weighed myself thinking that I would have lost a lot of weight but nada. I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror yesterday and I noticed how flat my stomach is. My abs are starting to come through. It’s almost photogenic, every gay guy’s dream lol. Who needs a face pic on Grindr or have a good personality when you can just rely on your body? I’m so cynical. It’s been too hot to run outside so maybe that is why I am going crazy? I try but I don’t last long. Speaking of my body, I am really starting to like how it looks. I am filling in my shirts for the first time in my life. I can tell that I have weight to me now because I have parts that jiggle, which is new lol. Ten more pounds and society might accept me as one of their own.

Speaking of beauty standards, my cat is obese and I love every inch of him but he is not the most graceful. Last night I heard him wipeout on my dresser and knock over all my jewellery. So I was just cleaning that up and I kept feeling something under the dresser that I thought was a spiderweb but one of my bracelets was in that corner so I turned on my flashlight and took a peek. It was my friend’s obituary. As I read it I realized that I am actually one year older than he was now. Then I remembered that my father’s death day was last week and I am also one year older than he was now… so I’m just letting that all sink in now.

So anyway, basically I need structure and yesterday I tossed all of it out the window and that is why my depression caught up with me so today I am going to straighten up and fly right. iHope. I’m alive and well… right? Yesterday I was thinking about how I am at rock bottom but I hadn’t given myself a single moment to feel sorry for myself. I don’t want to start now so I better get this life of mine on the move already.

Last updated July 03, 2019