the last yr. and a half little over in 2019

so. i haven’t seen evan in almost 2 yrs. and we haven’t talked since dec. 2017 which was when we ran into each other. and to me. he’s missed out on. a lot. in jan. 2017 got my concussion. recovered from that jan. - march. in feb. [2018?] SU attempt. and also. in feb. my grandfather died. 2018.

2018
in march i went to. nashville. in april i came out on twitter.
in may my mom’s cousin passed.
went to my cousin’s baby shower in june.
in july we had my maternal grandparents ash spreading. thing.

sometime in summer of 2018. valerie quit. er last summer i mean.
nov. - jan. the whole dental tooth thing happened.
dec. i went to london.
in dec. my great aunt died.

as for 2019.
in april. i went to amsterdam.

and. earlier this month i came out to my mom. and a few others.

so i was watching home improvement the other day. night. [yes. i know. i know.]. it was the ep. where tim’s friend visits from college and tim is talking to wilson about it. and wilson’s ‘are you still friends? or were you?’. and. idinno that got me thinking. i guess. i’ve known for a long time that evan & i aren’t really. how the hell am i supposed to have any kindof relationship w/ someone who doesn’t have a permanent phone number? well.........i mean if it’s been about 2 yrs. then. that should tell me something. i keep getting calls from random numbers. but back when we talked about it. well sometimes he’d call me from his friends’ phones. and i have this weird habit. of when i call a random number not saying anything for awhile. and apparently his friends think i’m weird bc of that. [well but i am weird.]. and i don’t have texting so. and so he’s asked me not to. call. like i could...........possibly get ahold of him. but due to that reason i don’t. he’s not on fb. or twitter. and the only person i know that knows both of us is muriel. and i’ve asked her to have him call me after 9 p.m. but she hasn’t heard from him either so. but no one calls me after 9. right which is why i told her that. cause that way i’ll know.
w/ lindsey we were. idinno. she was the woman who helped me discover my sexuality when i was 17. and. it took me. a long time 4 - 7 yrs. we were friends for 8. untill i was 24. to be in a better place w/ the fact. that we wanted different things. and that you know. we weren’t friends anymore. but part of that was that i think. um. at the time. i was going out yes it was to the bar once a wk. back when i was 24. but i was going out. i wasn’t so scheduled. i could go to the store on my schedule not anyone else’s. ya know? they say that helps. but now ya know. i’m a lot more private. and my anxiety stops me. and also a part of me. has no desire to meet people. so.
back when i was living at stephanie’s. evan & i used to talk every day or something or every few wks. and then that space got bigger. and here we are except we aren’t cause that part doesn’t exist anymore. but maybe. i needed to talk to someone that much while living there. i drank there. well i drink here it’s just people offline don’t know. i do. The place of residence is a lot quieter. i’m not verbally combative or argumentative anymore. and i’m not doing things in front of people. like i’m not doing my laundry in front of people.
there will be others. i know. there are 7 billion people in the world last i heard give or take. but right now............bc of my anxiety and my partial lack of desire to meet people. um i don’t see me meeting people any time soon. oh and my privacy. plenty of fish and all that. i’ll be alrite.
yeah he stayed w/ me for like a month back in 2013. in march of that yr. Pat died. i OD’d in may. of. 2013. i moved out in w/ my parents for almost a yr. yeah that um didn’t work out too well. in march of 2014 lived w/ a lady for 3 months or so then in w/ stephanie for um. like a yr. and a half. which. and that obviously didn’t work out either. and then i’ve been living w/ this lady for 2 yrs.
the last time i wrote about this. i’d already started to move on. i don’t cling to evan as much. unless i’m in a really bad place. idinno it’s sad. i. should’ve been more patient w/ him. i should’ve put in more effort that way. and he. should’ve had a more permanent phone number and place to live. it’s almost impossible to have any kindof relationship w/ someone like that. for someone in my situation.
i’m not saying the door’s not open. i’m just saying. i’ve changed in some ways and this is one of them. i don’t cling to him as much and i’m movin on. and unlike my ex. didn’t threaten to rape me. or wouldn’t get impatient w/ me for putting off feeling better when i didn’t feel good. my ex however would.
people were right. everybody who told me about him and saw how neurotic he is [no i’m not making a joke] was right. and i knew that back then in 2013 2014. i just. i ignored it fully for a long time. i also won’t listen. and when i finally do. it’s not for a long time. i’m also the kindof person who unfortunately at times learns. through experience. and i saw how neurotic he was too. probably still is. but i also saw. the other part of him. the part that was really sweet. and usually patient w/ me. and physical. we were so much better when we were in each other’s company. and was quiet and an introvert. and funny.
and the other part of it is. he knows me. he knows how my brain works and there’s not much i have to explain to him about how i am. unlike w/ someone new. and who has time for that? explaining. no it’s not that it’s priority.
yeah i remember the night we met. it was the night before my 25th it was at the bar. we talked about music for hrs. he actually wanted to date mt but. at the time i was dating my now ex. um. so. i took him outside and. turned him down evan that is. and i felt so bad. and he didn’t take it well. partially due to his mental disorder. and the worst part is? somehow. that. it’s like i can’t [well. rather it’s not fair to] even blame him. for having something he’s not choosing to have. it’s not like w/ my ex where my ex chose to um. threaten that. no nobody chooses having a mental disorder. it just happens.
yeah i remember. back when i was first getting to know evan. i’d blogged about him. and a noter on that entry said they hoped we’d be happy together. and we were. for some time there. so thank you to that noter for that. whoever you are. and i liked. how unflappable he evan is. was. well no it would be ‘is’. the realness. of t hat while at the same time i didn’t. ironically. i felt safe around him. w/ him. when we were in each other’s co. usually. bc hopefully. most people won’t be stupid enough to fuk w/ someone who gets that upset due their mental disorder. that visibly outwardly upset. he was so untamed. as it were.
he’s one of the few people the few friends i guess. i could talk to about Pat. bc we both knew him. i mean w/ muriel pat’s mom. it’s different it’s a different dynamic. also. now i’m not a phone person at all really. but he evan. is/was one of the few people. i could spend hrs. on the phone w/. and we’d talk about everything. and sometimes did. but there were times when. i didn’t tell him everything. yeah the last time i saw him. i didn’t go into anything personal that had happened. bc i wanted it to be good for us. ya know?
i don’t know what the future will hold for us not entirely completely. i can guess..........but i know what the right now the present holds for me. and if i’m enjoying it. [which. well sometimes i am.]. then hey. awesome. in some ways i’m better not talking to him. and. i don’t even feel bad about it.
from may 2013 to now. 6 yrs. wow.........well a little over. but yeah. and then. about 2 from dec. 2017 to now.
but ya know who knows? who really knows i certainly don’t. maybe some day we’ll talk again. and get together. not any time soon i’m surmising. i’ll probably still blog about him that’s not. that’ll still happen.
what he wants for me. is one of the things the exact same thing. i want for him. is for him to be content and ok and. and most of all. here.
i have compassion for people. and i really like that about myself. actually. and ya know. one of the reasons i didn’t turn him away back in 2013. was bc. i didn’t want to be someone who was that coldhearted. and now sometimes i am. i’m not a v. sympathetic person actually. and if he needed to get away from his place. then ok. i kept giving him chances. bc it didn’t seem like a whole lot of people were. or would. i’m not the type where. i think i can save the world. even though like that’s not realistic.
he and i may not be talking. [well actually really we’re not.]. um. but that doesn’t mean my level of compassion should change. like i shouldn’t stop that.
so now. people know a little more about what happened back in may 2013. we had good times he and i. we were like liz taylor and uh. that guy. richard burton from what i’ve heard. when we’d fight/argue. it was pretty. heated. and you know deep. we also deeply. care about each other. i still do. and even though i feel a sense of responsibility towards him. that’s also distanced some. right bc we’re not talking. i don’t remember the last time i cared about somebody that much. and for that long a time.
so here we are. and here i am.
ya know sometime ago. a few yrs. ago actually it was when alexis was still my mentor. [so it went from jessica > alexis > clint > valerie.]. um. yeah one time when evan i were on the phone. i told him something like ‘i can’t do this anymore. this isn’t working for me anymore’ not well anyway. um. and i think. in all the times he i talked. i told him that another time too. and he was. really. understanding about it. so ya know. i already did it. that part already happened. now we still kept talking after that. but it was sort of the official ‘ok so this happened. the big thing happened’. he knows how i feel about him. i told him once. and i, same.
so. ya know who knows. it’s just wow. and this might at some point happen again. about 2 yrs. isn’t that long a time. unless we’re talking comparitively. when he and i used to talk on the phone every few wks.
all my life i’ve wanted to be somebody now here i am - suzy quatro. the ‘70’s. or i was anyway. now. friends don’t. we don’t get together. they just hear from me on fb which. i’m glad there is fb. and some of them live out of state so. there’s that. and even the ones who don’t. anyway. um. i’m not grizabella anymore. the show, as it were, has ended. time for a new actress to take the stage. and not just bc i don’t go to karaoke. i think. maybe the reason i still want to. regularly. is bc i think it’ll be exactly the same. same place. time and all that. but i don’t do that bc well it happens at night. so. yeah. and maybe it won’t be the same i don’t know. or maybe it will i have no idea. [well no given i don’t go regularly.]. also that was something i did in my 20’s. not. there was anything wrong, really, w/ that. [yes but in the words of queen: the show must go on.]. makeup’s fading. or whatever the line is. so who am i? i don’t know in some ways. and depersonalization certainly doesn’t help that. i’m not. the same person i was back then. and you know. maybe rivers aren’t actually meant. to be stepped in twice. cause obviously it won’t be the same. we all know that saying. but isn’t everyone figuring out our whole lives who we are? there’s a line about that in the song ‘fame’.
my world’s a lot quieter. now a lot more subdued. and what’s wrong w/ that i don’t. know. maybe nothing. well also i don’t like change and this is one. this change has been happening for quite some time though. it already happened this is just the um residue.
when did i start to lose him? the night we met. actually. the event i described above w/ him getting upset by my rejection. which again. was partially due to his mental disorder. sorry i guess i’m a little depressed. again. what happened to grizabella after ‘cats’? ya know i don’t think there’s a sequel to ‘cats’. but at the end she. she was the queen.

Last updated May 07, 2020