Upgrades in Current Events

I can feel my depression trying to come and take over my life. Maybe in some ways, it has. I’m pretty good at swerving negative thinking. It was not easy training my mind to do that but I think that my problem is that I am still trying to get into the habit of bringing my thoughts into action. Actually, I do know that is my problem. Maybe I will try and see a therapist again? Maybe I will just stop talking myself out of doing things that I really want to do? I have been trying to use Mel Robins 5 second rule to empower myself. Her life fell apart and she was overcome by anxiety and depression and that started to affect her marriage and her children. She started to drink heavily and just slept all day. She knew what she needed to do to make her situation better but she could not bring herself to do it. She was defeated.

One night before bed she was watching a rocket launch and she had an epiphany. She said “That’s it! That’s what I will do! I will count down from five tomorrow and launch myself out of bed like a rocket!” So that’s what she did. She set her alarm for 5am and instead of hitting snooze she counted back from five and launched herself out of bed. Then she realized that counting backwards from five was helping her make all the better decisions because it was interrupting her mind from talking her out of doing it. You have about five seconds to put a thought into action before your mind talks you out of it. To get out of bed, to speak up at work, to call that friend, to apply for that job, to not yell at your spouse, to put down that bourbon, to throw out that cigarette etc. I suspect that my reason for not having any patience when it comes to listening to my family and friends make excuses about why they can’t make better choices is because that is something that I don’t like about myself. I’ve come a long long way but I’m not even close to where I want to be.

I think those are the negative thoughts that I am suppressing. That I am not good enough. That I am just letting my life pass me by because I am too afraid to make the big decisions and the big changes in my life. I am feeling so alone, I don’t even know who my friends are right now. I’ve been unemployed for two months and nobody has even asked how I am doing. I know that doesn’t mean that they do not care about me. Honestly, they know that they do not have to worry about me. I just wish that I had somebody in my corner, somebody on my side. A partner in crime. Somebody to hold my hand through all of the upcoming changes. I’m scared. I have a habit of worrying and I know that worry and excitement is the same experience for my body and the only difference is how I interpret that in my mind.

Yesterday I was so burned out. I could not get energized. My roommates all left for the day and night and usually, I would be thrilled but I was too dead inside. I ended up drinking all day long and watched movies on Netflix. That is something that I’ve always wanted to just do. I’m not good at letting myself be lazy. Then out of nowhere, I started to have suicidal thoughts. I was like “oh why, hello there. I haven’t seen you guys in ages.” So I put my drink down and went to bed. I managed to swerve those thoughts but I couldn’t shake off feeling that type of way which I why I just went to bed. Today is a new day. A clean slate.

The weather is hot and sunny today. I couldn’t talk anybody into going to the beach so this is how my summer is going to be, as always. I hate my friends. I want to do things, see things and experience things and they just never invite me or they leave me hanging when I invite them.

I am going to grab my journal today and write out every little thing that I want to do. All those thoughts and ideas that I have that I am struggling to make happen. The first one is getting up at 5am without hitting snooze. God damn, that’s been so hard. I fail miserably every single day. Then I want to write down the thoughts that talk me out of it all. I know that I was trying to tackle my social anxiety with my therapist before he ended his practice. I had an epiphany about it last week. I figured it out what it is. Where all this fear comes from. This thing that cripples me from putting myself out there. I just don’t know what to do with that information. Yes, it’s just a fear of feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable. The fear of rejection is the root of almost every mood and personality disorder and that goes unchecked for most of us. I figured out what I have that fear and maybe I should add therapy to my to-do list so that I can get help processing it.