Vacation Or Something Else in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

I feel very off my game of late. I’m encouraged to chalk it up to the construction and that may be part of the reason. It is hard to feel “settled” or “in a groove” when 80% of the office is now a construction zone and everything in my office feels dusty and gross due to construction debris and dust. Not to mention the fact that my office is being used as storage space for a large portion of the construction items! But it could also be that my brain is already trying to rush to Vacation mode. Or it could be that my brain is focusing on marriage issues and bumming me out without my express permission. Likely, a combination of all of that put together.

It is appropriate that my primary instrument of work is a keyboard as I feel rather a lot like a musician these days. Goods and bads of that. When I’m doing well, I can sit at my keyboard and play Moonlit Sonata from memory without a single error. But surround that keyboard with caterwauling shrieking of power tools, construction, and more? A few sour notes can be expected. Take it further; the keyboard is covered in Dry Wall Dust and various debris from the construction process. The performer becomes distracted and forgets a bar or two. Add in any emotional or scheduling conflicts the performer may be dealing with and Moonlit Sonata becomes A handful of correct lines plinked out with a haphazard apathy.

Oh… probably should make this friends only but… here’s an Image Collage of my Facial Hair/Long Hair journey. Currently shaved and short hair… which apparently makes me look like the spitting image of my father. Which I find more distasteful than I’d like.

As to work stuff; despite the construction and malaise… it has been a busy morning.
Item 1: Amend Charging Document; in so doing, discover an error by other attorney and work with that attorney to fix error so that changes to the charging document don’t seem insane
Item 2: Open New Child Abuse Case :( We have far too many of these for a county of less than 20,000 residents
Item 3: Close an Old Child Abuse Case :) Since we do have so damned many I’m always over joyed to get one of these cases closed and resolved!
Item 4: Hearing arguing why someone on probation who is found carrying drugs (including Meth) on their person should no longer receive the benefit of probation.
Plus… because of course… the expected trillions of phone calls and e-mails about Traffic Citations.... like a motorcycle passing vehicles on the hash-marks at over 105 MPH. Stupid people.

Then Lunch.... which… grump. So at my physical the three things that were told to me that I absolutely must do (and frankly… I know I should do since I want my “normal weight” to be under 200 pounds at least… I’d prefer around 160)....
(1) Quit soda
(2) Quit processed foods
(3) Be more consistent with workout/physical activity

Quitting Soda is going to be an absolute pain in the ass. I don’t drink coffee. So my caffeine comes from Soda. Thus… this will be problematic in some regards.
Quitting Processed Foods is going to need to be a Team Exercise and a Home-Based Change. And… not to belabor the point too much… but this would be infinitely easier with some support and assistance at home. I’m not saying Wife has to cook a home-cooked meal without processed foods every day… but once or twice a week would be nice. And then once or twice a week, I could do a home-cooked meal without processed foods. Then the other days left, we could BOTH do a home-cooked meal without processed foods. But, of course, I can already hear Wife’s voice in my ear saying, “That’s too much work.” Because of course it is. Working out sporadically (both of us) and her being allowed to keep putting zero effort into food and snacking all day… those are the perfect ways to lose the 20 pounds (or more) she wants to shed. Except, honestly… working out (even consistently) and quitting soda… that might help me lose a few pounds… let’s get CRAZY and say it’ll help me lose up to 15 pounds… that doesn’t put me at my goal weight. Even my minimum goal weight. So, yeah. More is needed. And if that “more” is me intentionally not eating with Wife because I need to make sure I’m eating better? I guess that is one thing to tackle.

IN OTHER NEWS
After reviewing notes for yesterday’s entry, there is a winner. Weird thing to say, right? NO I AM NOT SUPPORTING THE IDEA OF MAKING NOTES A GAME! I’m just saying… I received a note that I really liked, and apparently everyone else liked it too! So congrats Domino on “giving advice that others passionately agreed with!” :)

I’m still going through things to respond to noters but… as you had such good advice, I wanted to do so here :) If that’s all right.

(1) Quit it with the guilt. (About PB catchups, noting, etc).
(a) You have an excellent point. Nobody owes anybody anything on this website and there are no requirements that people stay “up to date.” That being said, the sad truth is… it is rather a replacement statement. I don’t keep up with my IRL friends much either and I also feel bad about that. Granted, there are many reasons to say “Water your own garden” and I understand. But I’ve never been great at the whole friendship thing and it is a flaw of mine that I often think is unfortunate. I’ve made wonderful friends… there are friends in my life that are entirely willing to accept that I may not contact them for months on end and when we meet up again, all is well. But I don’t like being that person… but, of course, I don’t care enough to forcefully change. Which means something. Like… I’d love to be the person that could call someone up at any point in the week and hang out… and I do have people like that in my life… but all of them are an hour away or more. So… the Friendship Guilt is baked into the clay, here, unfortunately.

(2) If you think you’ll get ill you will. (About feeling crumby on Monday).
(a) Totally true. I can’t control it well, but I often joke (joke, but serious) that I am a prime example of Mind over Matter. Two Years Old? I wanted more attention so I stopped growing for 12 months. Doctors had no idea what caused it, had no idea what caused me to start growing again, just… decided to. lol. But Mind over Matter is pretty much the way I function in modern life. No matter the pain, one foot in front of the other one. Ultimately, I think the headache and everything may have been my CPAP mixed with new bout of Concrete Dust. I’m feeling better but should still try to stay hydrated and rested. That being said, Wife is a bit sick genuinely. Apparently, the onset of her period is now accompanied by the onset of a cold. This is the fourth month (or so) where this has happened. The good news, though, is that means she won’t be on her period during the flight next week… which… 12 hour flight… I imagine could have been a nightmare!

(3) Don’t put pressure on yourself or wife to have sex.
(a) Accurate. And our counselor actually did take time out of our session to encourage us and reaffirm in us that Vacation shouldn’t come with expectations of connection or anything. And it is good advice because it is simply a vacation, not a Couple’s Counseling Retreat or anything like that. My big hope is that we can interact more. Like… convince her to not just sit around watching TV at the House. Actually investigate the island. Do activities. Visit local areas. Sit on the beach together. Hopefully (heave forbid) have conversations instead of arguments. My biggest concern? Is actually what you said here. “All marriages die a bit but when you work at it you can revive it”. Our dating lives were filled with fun and joy at the beginning; but they went south a few years in. We got married, and they went south again. I certainly am romantic (and would never argue that point) but my wife is significantly not.... often objecting to romantic overtures. So… yeah… the continual downward does hit me harder; but that’s also what brings us to where we are today. If I’m the one that was hit by it, and I’m the one that is working to try to fix it..... where is Wife in all this?? It’s why (as you would agree, I’m sure) Wife needs to start working, too. Because while my romantic side may want the world; it would be nice if my Wife could at least give me an isthmus or a fjord.

(4) Love thyself! (Take time on the vacation for fun and pleasure)
(a) I am actually most looking forward to sitting by the beach and reading. I’m super bizarre in that way (maybe) in that I do enjoy reading but can’t seem to force my brain to quiet down enough to enjoy it until vacation. Like… the reason for Video Games versus Reading is typically… a video game gives me STORY and CHARACTER and allows me to INTERACT but in a way that doesn’t require my full focus. So in my day-to-day, I can play a video game while returning e-mails and contemplating a case that I’m working on while watching a YouTube video. If I were to read more in my day-to-day (and I’ve tried) it usually goes something like this:
I’m reading ‘She shook her head. He realized that the glasses were surgically inset, sealing her sockets. The silver lenses seemed to grow from the smooth pale skin above her cheekbones, framed by dark hair cut in a rough shag. The fingers curled around the fletcher were slender, white, tipped with polished burgundy. The nails looked artificial.’ Unfortunately, instead of imagining what that looks like and creating a picture in my mind… my mind reads the words, doesn’t take them in, and moves on. As though I were reading a Police Report. However… on vacation? I’ve been to known to devour a book or five. And I’m very much looking forward to that!
Flirting with other people sounds great… but I think goes to my predicament today. I could either be considered an incurable flirt or a genuinely nice guy… depending on definitions. Like… I always try to behave with manners, respect, friendliness… all of that. Because I don’t know how to flirt (I assume it is different from what I just listed) I assume that is why I end up with the women I do. Because where others might see me being kind, nice, and friendly as simply “being a good person”, many a damaged women see it as “the first time someone’s been nice to me.” But again… that may just be because all of my dating/flirting experience was High School and College. But honestly… it would be something amazing if I could figure out a way to flirt… like… subtly and/or coyly indicate interest in someone in such a way as to peak their interest and receive a reciprocal subtle/coy indicator. Of course, an attractive woman in a black dress wearing fuck-me-heels asking to sit with me would also be a good indicator… if less subtle.

(5) Looks are nothing.
(a) There isn’t an easy way to say this without being a douche so I’ll douche it up here. I was considered attractive and thin for most of my life. I went from underweight for the first 19 years of life, to a decent weight for a single year, to overweight for the last 14 years. Tragically, this happens to many in my family. My father was a muscular hunk and then… large protruded belly. My twin cousin was a svelt swimming goddess and then… many spare tires later. I remember growing up and seeing the photos of family members and being so confused as to the whole… mess. Like… how could so many of our family be thin and attractive, then balloon in adulthood. So… that whole underlying mess is a complex that started early. Not helped at all by my Wife’s frequent criticisms over our marriage about my weight.
To add to the douche column: I grew up in a place where looks were prioritized to an extreme. When you think “Iowa” you don’t think Cosmetic Surgery… probably. In fact, if you don’t count my hometown, there are only 4 Plastic Surgery Centers in the entire state. Of course… when you add in my hometown, that number more than quadruples! While we’re certainly not Rodeo Drive in fashion; I grew up where money and status mattered most and the only way to demonstrate that was to be as beautiful as money could buy. So I went to school with a large number of girls who looked like women with means. In fact, life was indistinguishable for me between television and school as far as “attractive quotient.” Like… you think it warps a kid’s mind to see “beautiful people on tv all day” try having that “warped view” confirmed every day at school, at the mall, and around town! And then.. yeah. I was attractive in school but didn’t know it and thought that I struck out with women because I was hideous. Apparently, I struck out with women (this is true, discovered years later) because so many people were so absolutely sure I was gay. Super. Great. Thanks for that. So… a long history of thinking I don’t look good enough. Now coupled and enhanced by being in a marriage where my wife has less ardor or physical attraction to me than an Antelope may feel for a Slug.
Lastly… sorry, but I love making this argument because it has been a go to for so long… a person with an amazing personality and a lot going for them… is how to be Friend-Zoned… which happened to me a LOT. Because the difference between “a best friend who is a boy” and a “boyfriend” is found in the question “Do you want to shag this man?” And while there are some people who go from “I will never shag this man, but I love talking to him” to “Okay, I guess I would shag him now”… there are a lot of people in this world who can’t make that jump.

NOT ARGUING WITH THE ADVICE… it was all very good and all very appreciated!! Just… responding.

Though it also got me thinking about things like… what is “my type.” I often ask this and investigate it in many areas but after a number of on-line quizzes and self reflection, I think I can give an answer… just an answer that is confounding contradictory and quite possibly impossible.

Apparently, I would like an Athletic Edgy Girl Next Door who is Strong Willed but Un-opinionated and has a kink or two but isn’t pushy in bed that enjoys plenty of time together and has her own life and gets along with family

Or break that down?
Athletic: Someone who works out at least a bit
Edgy: Someone who has a bold, daring, unconventional attitude
Girl Next Door: Someone who has a traditional, familiar, conventional attitude
Strong Willed: Able to make decisions and argue the points she feels strongly about
Un-Opinionated: Does not have many strong feelings about controversial items
Has a Kink or Two: Someone that is willing to be adventurous in bed, but not so adventurous that it pushes either of us to somewhere uncomfortable
Isn’t Pushy In Bed: Someone that is willing to be communicative and respect my comfort level in sexual activities
Enjoys plenty of time together: Wants to spend time with me and enjoy shared hobbies and interests
Has her own life: Has a separate group of friends and interests that she pursues
Gets along with family: Whether her own or mine, enjoys spending time with family and finds it both fun and entertaining.

Then add in the other items. Like… doesn’t use illegal substances; doesn’t have an arrest record; if kids has a good relationship with the father but not so good that I feel like she would go back to him; doesn’t consider “Country Music” to be her favorite music genre; is at least accepting or open to Christianity

I won’t even discuss “beauty quotient” factors so as to prevent pissing off the entire internet, lol.

So… yeah. Things that go through my mind. If things don’t work out with my wife… then I’d kind of be on an impossible task.

A while back a movie came out called “Call Me By Your Name.” The synopsis is:
CALL ME BY YOUR NAME, the new film by Luca Guadagnino, is a sensual and transcendent tale of first love, based on the acclaimed novel by André Aciman. It’s the summer of 1983 in the north of Italy, and Elio Perlman (Timothée Chalamet), a precocious 17-year-old young man, spends his days in his family’s 17th-century villa transcribing and playing classical music, reading, and flirting with his friend Marzia (Esther Garrel). Elio enjoys a close relationship with his father (Michael Stuhlbarg), an eminent professor specializing in Greco-Roman culture, and his mother Annella (Amira Casar), a translator, who favor him with the fruits of high culture in a setting that overflows with natural delights. While Elio’s sophistication and intellectual gifts suggest he is already a fully-fledged adult, there is much that yet remains innocent and unformed about him, particularly about matters of the heart. One day, Oliver (Armie Hammer), a 24-year-old American college graduate student working on his doctorate, arrives as the annual summer intern tasked with helping Elio’s father. Amid the sun-drenched splendor of the setting, Elio and Oliver discover the heady beauty of awakening desire over the course of a summer that will alter their lives forever.

OF COURSE conservative media absolutely abhorred this film and went on to rant and rave about a Gay Film supporting Pedophilia.

I have to admit… on the surface, I originally bought that argument. If a 24 year old was in a romantic or sexual relationship with a 17 year old… many states in the United States would intervene. But then I actually gave it MORE than a surface thought (true, something many pundits but especially conservative pundits don’t do). First, let’s approach this from the perspective of it being about ITALY. In Italy, the age of consent is 14. So a 17 year old growing up in Italy would not be concerned with Statutory Rape issues. Many would, rightly, mention that there are many states in the United States that would make a similar claim. Each U.S. state has its own age of consent, as does the District of Columbia. As of August 1, 2018, the age of consent in each state in the United States was either 16 years of age, 17 years of age, or 18 years of age. The most common age of consent is 16.

What’s more is that the film is set in the 1980s, where many countries were still outlawing homosexuality and the original AIDS panic was ruminating. But… what caused me to disagree with the conservative pundits most? Let’s change things up around and see what they would say.
Gay 24 Year Old Man and Gay 17 Year Old Boy: they cry out pedophilia
Gay 24 Year Old Woman and Gay 17 Year Old Woman: They cry out pornography
Straight 24 Year Old Man and Straight 17 Year Old Girl: IT DEPENDS sometimes it is called pedophilia, sometimes it is called acceptable, but there is no bright line rule here
Straight 24 Year Old Woman and Straight 17 Year Old Boy: That’s HOT!

So… even though conservative pundits were trying to say “BOO. Call Me By Your Name supports pedophilia” it wasn’t that at all. It was a common thing we’ve seen in Conservative Circles (for better or for worse) for the last several decades. Best stated as “The slippery slope argument” in different forms. Forever, people have argued that we absolutely can NOT be accepting of homosexuals or homosexuality because that will lead DIRECTLY to a society that is accepting of bestiality and pedophilia. IGNORING, of course, the concepts of consent. But then… they support Roy Moore and Kavanaugh, so do these people really even understand consent? You see… two people (or more!) over the age of 18 that decide to engage in consensual sexual activity… is a very different scenario than 1 person over the age of 18 raping an animal (since an animal lacks the ability to give consent) or raping a child (since a child lacks the ability to give consent). But it is always a fall back position for Anti-Gay speakers. So when they can jump on something saying, “**SEE?! This proves our point!” They’re going to hit that panic button until it breaks.

Forbes Magazine is considered slightly to moderately conservative. They typically discuss business and have a wide range of business-minded journalists. Mr. Forbes has spoken at a few events I attended back in my own conservative days. So when a Forbes Magazine Leadership Strategist writes an article… it could be interesting. The article is entitled “Why Narcissists And Gaslighters Blatantly Lie – And Get Away With It” by Stephanie Sarkis and is worth a read.

I’m going to go into my Archive the Internet stage now but.... in reviewing some recent past entries… a picture popped up again and I wanted to share my thoughts:

When I saw the picture again, I thought, “Yup. Perfect. Perfect in every way” and as soon as I had thought that, I took it back. Because the breasts are too large for the body and the body is a bit too thin. Don’t get me wrong, this is a VERY attractive woman wearing one of my favorite casual day outfits… no arguments here. But I guess… I’m just hoping this is a poor camera angle? Like… her arms look like she has some strength so maybe she isn’t waifishly thin with extreme boobs. If that were true? Than yeah. Perfect.

TEACHER EXPLAINING WHY SHE QUIT

German Instagrammer Geraldine West spends most of her time destroying the bullshit of Instagram influencers and showing what life is really like.

MORE OF THE ABOVE SERIES CAN BE FOUND HERE (ON CHIVE) OR AT HER INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT HERE

CUTIES WITH TATTOOS CHOSEN SOMEWHAT RANDOMLY

FUNNY ADULT MEMES

I DO APPRECIATE THE HUMORIST WHO ONCE SAID “GLASSES DON’T MEAN I’M SMART, IT MEANS I CAN’T SEE WELL!” THAT BEING SAID MBFITWW AND I BOTH HAVE AN AFFINITY FOR CUTE GIRLS IN GLASSES

THINGS TO TELL YOU IF YOU ARE OLDER

ACTS OF KINDNESS OR PROOF OF BEAUTY IN THIS WORLD

WE LEAVE YOU WITH SELECTIONS FROM RANDOM

ACTUALLY, WE’LL END WITH THIS. IN ANOTHER BLOW TO “Really, Modern Dating?” A STUDY HAS BEEN PUBLISHED CLAIMING THAT AT LEAST 1/3 OF WOMEN HAVE GONE ON A DATE JUST FOR FREE FOOD

There’s a trend in the dating world called “Foodie Calls”. (Get it? Like “Booty Calls” but with the buns you eat instead of the buns… OK, bad example). Basically, a woman goes on a dinner date with the sole intention of snagging a free meal. A romantic relationship isn’t on the table.

According to a new study, as many as 33% of women admitted to doing this.

“For a new first-of-its-kind study, published June 20 in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science, researchers surveyed 698 single heterosexual women and found that between 22% and 33% of them had agreed to meet a date because of the meal they’d get out of it, not the potential relationship. The researchers dubbed this trend a “foodie call” to play off the common slang phrase “booty call,” or meeting up with someone solely for the sex.”

Another issue in my “Do you put up with an unfulfilling marriage or split knowing that there is a high likelihood of simply ending up as an unfulfilled single guy trying to play a new Dating Game where you don’t understand any of the rules?”