The Infinite in Current Events

Oh today I’m just a drop of water
and I’m running down a mountainside
come tomorrow I’ll be in the ocean
I’ll be rising with the morning tide

Am I okay? It can be hard to tell sometimes because I have a habit of just making myself comfortable. This last week, however, I have not been comfortable. I feel disconnected from people, places and things. I do not know the requisite words that I need to express what I am feeling because I do not understand what it is that I am feeling. Yesterday I tried to connect to whatever this is that is happening inside of me but I couldn’t. I feel lightheaded? Not dizzy but like I could just float away if I wasn’t anchored down. Like I can just feel that everything is a vibration that runs through my body. My body is just a vehicle that lets my consciousness hear vibrations and see vibrations and feel vibrations etc. I can just feel that I too am just vibrating. I feel like everything is just matter but none of it matters because my brain wants to connect to something else. Like my mind is trying to find a wifi signal. If that even makes sense. I dunno, like I said I do not have the requisite words. I just don’t feel connected to myself or to my life but I can still feel that everything in existence is connected because it all came into being at the start of time. We’re not just in this cosmos, we are the cosmos. We are the universe having a human experience. Whatever that is. Whatever that means. I’m not on drugs, I promise. I’m not walking around thinking about this stuff. I’m just feeling it, all the time and I don’t know what it means. Maybe I’ve outgrown my life? Maybe I just need to make it bigger? Maybe I just need to connect to something that will bring me back down to earth? I don’t know. I just don’t feel like I belong here, I don’t feel attached to anything or anyone right now. I don’t think it’s my depression… but it could be? I’m not hurting. I just don’t know what to think or what to feel but I do care about myself and my life. I want to feel present, I want to feel alive and I do want to make the most of this human experience.

I experienced something once when I was a kid and I saw a painting a few years ago that reminded me of it. The artist experienced the same thing as I did and he put it on a canvas. It was one small canvas on a big wall full of his work and it was the only thing that stuck out because I’ve seen it before. He had an out of body experience. As I did once. He saw what I saw which looked like a galaxy of stars but it was actually just us. All of us. Every ball of light was just a consciousness. Human or not. Some were brighter than others, some were different colours but it looked like we were all just a tiny star seed. That our life experience was just growing or shrinking it. I felt like we were all a part of something bigger than us. In that space I was not myself, there is no self there. It’s just an existence… if that even makes sense either.

Anyway, I don’t want to dwell on this. I have to come back down to Earth here and do something with my life. Everything just feels so small right now.

I’m an atom in a sea of nothing
looking for another to combine
maybe we could be the start of something
be together at the start of time
(Gabrielle Aplin - Start of Time)

Last updated June 23, 2019