Waiting in A new era

So the pregnancy test was negative. As I thought it would be. Still no period though. Not unusual, they're crazy irregular with this implant, maybe one every three months or so, with no warning usually, which is why the sore boobs - still there - and weird weird agonising cramps - which have subsided - are so bizarre.

I told my friend with the kids about it, and she said I should go to home and bargain and buy their cheapo tests. When I investigated online, she may have a point. Different tests register a positive with a different amount of pregnancy hormone, and with clear blue it has to be quite a high amount.

I reckon I'll probably take another at the weekend, give it a little more time, buy a couple of cheapies and take both of them, and see what it says. Presumably also they will be negative. Other than the cramps and boobs, there's nothing else that makes me think I would be pregnant. It was more of a rule it out thing really. I'm just freaked out by my friend saying clear blue are unreliable, she's taken enough tests in the last ten years to know!

Having a baby right now wouldn't be the worst thing, but it wouldn't be ideal. John and I have no money. We don't live together. We have no money to live together.

I'm just getting established with my chemo admin, and I've applied for an accredited module at the local oncology centre, likely to start in September. Can't give chemo if you're knocked up.

John is trying to get his leather business off the ground, with the hopes of becoming part time at work in the near future to establish the business.

Plus john's mum has been really unstable lately, her husband, john's dad, died when he was a baby and she's been on her own all that time. She's struggled, and done the best she can, but now she's approaching retirement and has no private pension, and no savings, and she had a meltdown last week about it all. It's a lot of pressure for John to be under, he's an only child and to hear your mother saying she can't see a reason to live, and she's always struggled because she's spent her life doing right by other people - i.e him - well I can't imagine how that must feel.

It's fair to say he hasn't been himself this past couple of weeks. I think he's struggling more than he'll tell me. I guess that's the only child in him, he's always dealt with things on his own. I'm almost certain that that level of stress cannot possibly be good for him, but he knows where I am if he wants to talk I guess, I suppose I just have to wait for him to come to me if he wants to.

I'm trying to be cool about it because I know that he'll be done with his big leather job soon, half term is over so his mum is back at work and seems a bit calmer and it's payday this week which is never a bad thing.

I do miss him though.

Xx