Pal in Current Events

Something reminded me of my old penpal Jenson so I DM’d him the other day. He was always like a big brother to me. He used to date my cousin online back in the 2000s lol. Through MSN. He and I became friends somehow. He didn’t have a Myspace and Hi5 account back then. We must have used MSN or ICQ to chat. He is a gay man from Trinidad who likes to travel a lot. It wasn’t safe for him to come out to his family or be out in his country back then. He’s come out to his family since then. His best friend could not accept it so they haven’t spoken since. Nadia? She was a hilarious woman. When he went to a new country he would send me a postcard. His heart is in Japan. That is his favourite country. He used to teach English there. Every time that he is in a new country he is either teaching at a school or learning. Currently, he is enrolled at… I don’t even know where in the world he is this time. Probably the UK. I don’t know if I can call him a penpal because I could never send him a postcard. It takes months for me to get his postcards and he was never in the same place long enough for me to send one back.

Then along came Facebook and we got to stay connected. My favourite story of his is when he went to Indonesia. He made a friend there. They did everything together. He was a local and he showed him all the tourist hot spots. They ate their meals together, watched the sunsets on the beaches and all that jazz. Neither of them could speak the other’s language. That was so beautiful and so sweet to me. They were holding hands by the end of the trip and they did kiss each other goodbye. Like, I just can’t. When he travels he does not like to be a tourist. He likes to go to the slums and see how the locals live their lives. He has a blog that he used to make money from. He writes so beautifully. I always looked up to him.

Anyway, he asked me what was new with me and I had to report that I lost my job six weeks ago. A job that he knew I hated. He asked me what my next move is and I told him that I am very interested in going back to school to become a dietician. He knows me well though, he knows that I will say that forever and not do anything about it because I get too scared and too in my head. I had already started with him by complaining about how I don’t understand the process of applying and then navigating through that education system. It’s been 15 years since I graduated high school and I barely remember how to write an essay and I haven’t even used calculus once in my life since then either. He told me that I need to go down to the university and talk to somebody about it and report back to him on Wednesday. This bitch knows that I need this push from somebody lol. He messaged me last night reminding me to go in today. I’m going to get up the nerve and call somebody instead. On Thursday when I was out with some friends I remembered that two of them were enrolled in that university. I explained my situation and they suggested that I call and set up an appointment with a student advisor rather than a walk-in because I would get more time with them that way. So now it is Monday and I have somebody holding me accountable now so I am trying to get up the nerve to call that student advisor. My situation is starting to feel too real and I don’t want to be a little bitch and be crippled by anxiety as always. It’s just like me to give up before I try.

So now I am probably going to eat my breakfast then go for a run. Then I will probably workout until I am completely gassed out to hide from the reality of my situation. Then I will just tell myself that I will do it tomorrow and I will just binge watch YouTube until my eyes bleed. I’ll listen to the same motivational speakers talk about the same motivational stuff and I will fail to get up the nerve. Ugh. I’m going to go meditate and hope that fixes my life.

Last updated June 17, 2019