Trauma in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

It is no surprise that once you’ve experienced something traumatic, it readjusts your expectations. If you experience the same trauma over a long enough period, that simply becomes your reality. The coping mechanisms shift towards an Expectation- Reaction- Realization form.

That is earth shakingly true for me professionally!

When I was working with the Chinese, so much as being on time for a meeting at the office was grounds for being chewed out. I had no sane expectations, no security, and no feelings like I was even capable of giving the firm what they wanted. In that way, it was a nightmare. But I didn’t realize exactly how badly the entire process warped me inside until recently.

I was ill on Thursday and Friday of last week (6th and 7th). I had nothing expected in court and nothing expected for those days. As a functioning practical matter, missing those days due to being sick was inconsequential. Whether I was feeling good or not, I had to come into the office on Saturday (8th) to pick some things up. On the drive to the office, I felt this crushing weight on my chest. This anxiety. This fear. Finally, I was able to name it and say it out loud. I was worried that I’d disappointed my boss so badly that he would fire me or chew me out for being sick. My current boss has given me no reason to believe that he would do so. In fact, I’ve seen from this office that they would prefer I stay home rather than potentially get everyone else sick. AND YET I was still experiencing the emotional trauma response of if the situation had happened while I was at my last job.

I thought nothing of it, for the most part. Until Tuesday (11th) when I got a request by our DHS Investigator. Child Sexual Abuse but it took place over 8 years ago. Investigator didn’t want to contact Law Enforcement about it. Typically I defer to my investigators. These are the people gathering the information; I’m just the guy that knows the law. If they don’t think they have enough information, I’m not going to try to massage the law. But… Child Sexual Abuse… 8 years ago or 18 years ago… I want to at least let Boss know what’s going on. SO I e-mail him the phone message and e-mail and tell him, “Typically, I defer to Investigator. But this could be a big issue; what do you think?” His response was, “Why wouldn’t we get law enforcement involved?” My blood ran a little cold. For some reason, the inner voice wasn’t “Good Boss checking what the reasoning was” my inner voice said, “This is someone saying that you should know better.”

Partly due to that and the fact that I’ve been gone now since Wednesday the 5th… I felt a lot of anxiety and worry when coming to work this morning. I didn’t even consciously realize it. Like… I couldn’t sleep last night, I felt off all morning, and as soon as I got to the office I just.. it slammed into me like a brick wall. What was I walking in to??

Boss was jovial. Glad to have me back. Told me that the first half of the week was easy but then the weird phone calls and strange requests came in and he was glad I dealt with those while he dealt with the politics. Secretary came in, said how glad she was that I was back, then gave me six different brochures on “stuff to do around town this summer” as a “you can have fun and stay close to home, too!” gesture. Victim Witness Coordinator was glad that I had kept up with e-mail and was happy to hit the ground running. All in all… it was all good. Nobody was mad at me for being sick. Nobody was mad at me for being at a Conference.

I didn’t realize I’d been holding my breath!! But it turns out… being away from the office doesn’t infuriate these folks. I just need to stop expecting abuse! Heck… I’m even already almost entirely caught up with next week already! That’s right NEXT week!

So obviously, that being said? I’m super tired right now. When you’re feeling heightened stress without realizing why… and that stress can just be let out? Now my body is saying, “Okay. Relaxing. Go to sleep.”

And I’m fighting the urge to let my eyelids shut and drift off. And I think I’m losing that battle a bit. So I get up, walk around, stretch my back.. try to stay awake and keep my mind busy without requiring too much of it.

What is REALLY bad is that I’ve actually got work to do… I am presently writing a Child In Need of Assistance Report (because more kids are being sexually assaulted… really?! Just… very much GRRR!) and even still, I’m very much doing “The Head Nod”. :(

One thing that was a bit nice about the illness and the Conference was that… even though I was still keeping up with world affairs; the whole bloody mess didn’t seem as oppressive. I mean, typical journalism is “Trump Circus 24/7” and… yeah. He’s doing terrible shit, his cabinet is breaking the law, we’re fucking around in economics, Mexico, Iran… and what drives me crazy… really drives me entirely around the bend here… is that independent investigations, ethics committees, and the Associations tasked with oversight all agree… Trump and his campaign intentionally attempted to break the law, did break the law, and have not been held accountable for their attempts to accept illegal aid from Russia and/or their successful obstruction of justice gambits. It’s… hard to stand up for law and order when the President doesn’t.

Chive had a Tinder “shame doesn’t exist here” bit and you can find it here (https://thechive.com/2019/06/13/tinder-where-shame-cant-die-because-it-doesnt-exist/). It makes me ponder.... I mean, I’m 14 years too old, lol… like Real World… but I do contemplate how my life may have been different trying to traverse dating in the modern age. Oh, don’t get me wrong… if we simply transplanted 21 year old Chris to now… nothing would change. I’d likely be tagged a sodding Incel! But… y’know… if a less uptight Chris had access to Dating Apps and Hook Up Culture.

Randomly, with no actual inspiration for this particular thought: One thing that seems really stupid, but defines a lot of the modern era for many… is feeling hungry so you look up photos of a cake. First of all, the simulated cake won’t nourish you or make you feel less hungry. Second of all, it’s not even truly a simulation of the object but merely a representation of the object. Third of all, you are hungry and looked up something sugary, tooth decaying, not nutritional, and likely bad for your health.


ME Seriously, Mosquitoes are so frigging bad this year! I should take a picture of my arms to show you guys. Seriously. IN. SANE.





I WOULD SLEEP SO WELL!

I would absolutely try this in Hawaii but I have a feeling my Wife won’t let me, lol