stupid things done as an adult. the concept. alcoholism. privacy. depression. addiction. publicity. self destruction vexations. in 2007: March 1: transferred fom FOD

so before i was 18 i didn’t do anything like. really stupid. i didn’t drink didn’t do drugs. i cut but i didn’t stop till i was 25. so it wasn’t like there was this division between. stupid things done as a kid. and then stupid things done as an adult. no. no a couple of the big
stupid things i shouldn’t’ve done. are. ‘stupid things done as an adult’.

the worst part of not feeling good is being alone. which may be another reason i hate going through withdrawl. cause it’s not like people offline know. i do. i don’t buy booze. ok let me clarify: i buy substances w/ um. yeah. never been to rehab. right cause i’m so private. so i
cut for 10 yrs. like it’s ok i’m ok talking about it ya know? i quit a little over 6 yrs. ago. so i don’t like vividly remember whether it was difficult or easy to do so. quit i mean. but w/ cutting. it’s an emotional addiction whereas w/ drinking. it isn’t. which may be one reason it’s so hard to stop. [and well like i said. the privacy thing.]. it sounds fuked up and unethical for me to think ‘oh so in order to prevent withdrawl. ....’ but um. it’s not that i’m physically unable to do so. it’s that. when i have the results aren’t good.

do you have a drinking problem? no in fact i don’t. i have a drinking solution. i drink when there’s a problem.

or when i’m going through something or when i really. just want to forget. not think. or to decrease my anxiety. pot accomplishes the same thing but it’s hella expensive. [no this isn’t a joke it actually does.]. i drink as a result of my ptsd. a symptom. of it. wait.

Everybody I’ve ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after that, everybody. - titus. yes. oh fuk yes. omygod. true. i have ptsd so. pretty much.

Like when people. in the news talk about depression and they’re ‘well as long as someone can get up every day and do. whatever it is they do’ and for some most it’s school/work ‘then it’s not a problem.’. right well. that’s like telling a drug addict the same thing. then the idea
is ‘oh it’s fine i can function’. yeah well. it’s why, they can function. ya know? what problem? there’s not one cause. it’s not a hinderance. it doesn’t get in the way of whatever. like no that’s not always good. physical addictions are so. difficult exactly yeah. they’re quite difficult. and for that reason. just something i was thinking about. is all. that that um opinion. perpetuates the idea that it’s not. an addiction that it’s not. a real problem. yeah that’s. that’s me. no bc. it is a real problem and it is an addiction. no i know.

People who are so public about the fact they’re physically hurt. well actually.........it was maybe 10 yrs. ago or so. there used to be a website dedicated. to people posting pictures. photos of their cuts. yes from cutting. i mean i never did cause frankly that doesn’t appeal to me. i won’t say what the website was. but that’s like a manifestation. that’s like intentional. self destruction. ya know? i feel bad for them cause. this person is going through something so they self destruct in some way. not. oh they accidentally broke their foot or whatever.
also. i cut for 10 yrs. so. yeah. i drink a helluva lot but don’t take photos of what it is i’m drinking. cause that doesn’t appeal to me. pop pills every so often. although actually in college. i took photos of pills. but that was. for art, purposes not me. like me actually you know. but in a way it’s kindof like that. and maybe it’s cause we live in such a public world or. idinno. [which. is ironic cause my sister no longer has a facebook.]. no back in the 20th cent. if ladies got physically hurt. unintentionally. not by anyone else. they didn’t talk about it. no they dealt w/ it. idinno i correlate it w/ the way children are.

so i was thinking about it and. people even though i don’t do this, anymore. it’s been a little over 6 yrs. um anyway. but yeah some people have vexations about my cutting. which of course is a form of self destruction. ok well. so i think. in a somewhat, indirect vague way. is
having vexations. like isn’t that just making things worse for the person who has them? i know that like. cutting obviously is an actual physical thing. so it’s not quite the same. but i mean. to me. vexing seems like. an odd, indirect, vague form of self destruction. so um. yeah way then i am. but yeah. like um. called it. like alrite well. we’re not that different. they’re just normal people whereas i’m broken. no and this is me being honest this isn’t a sympathy thing. like right ok. yeah Titus was talking about that in regards to racism i forget. what

no but fuked up people no we fight to solve our problems. we drink. i mean i. don’t fight but yeah. yeah ya know why i’m so thin? bc i drink. that’s not the only reason but yeah. hey in the 1920’s it was perfectly acceptable. ever heard of cole porter? right exactly. yes. #titus

no, you’re self destructive damnit! people worrying about my nonexistant cutting and making things worse for themselves. [no but i really don’t. do that anymore. again. been 6+ yrs. or so.]. no. you’re self destructive. what you talkin ‘bout self destructive for? now who’s
self destructive? in a weird, vague, emotional, indirect way. nonphysical. yep. again. not my joke can’t take full credit. again. comedy speaks the truth. no you’re. self destructive. see?

so they’re worried about a mermaid. or atlantis. or actually no wait. they’re worried about. a unicorn not. like that. [again giving credit to the person i learned this from.]. so. they’re worried about something that once existed but doesn’t anymore. alrite well. whatever. fine
alrite that’s fine. it’s absurd and hilarious but that’s fine. so my nonexistant cutting = a unicorn. again. the animal. there’s something absurd about that. either that, or i just got a weird sense of humour. but hey. alrite w/e. it doesn’t make sense but. ok. [alrite we get it
point made turn that record over 10-4.].

But I’m going need you to fight w/ me ok? - titus, 5th annual end of the world tour. wow.

I think. the other reason i don’t like when people take care of themselves around me. or i was in their presence and they accidentally i don’t know stubbed their toe. is then i feel like i have to say something. ‘are you ok?’ well obviously not. well that’s a stupid question to ask in that situation isn’t it? and redundant. and it creates this awkwardness for me. or like tell them what to do about it. and that’s awkward cause everyone else will do that. but i won’t bc people aren’t stupid. so i just ignore them. like god this is really fukin awkward for me right now. thanks that’s. that’s great. awesome.

just. not when i’m drunk. again never. accept a challenge from me when i’m drunk whether it’s online or off just. don’t do it.
wow for a fuked up, dysfunctional person w/ depression i’m quite confident. i can think of a few more things the universe could throw at me but. other then those. the universe is all: ‘well you’ve hit 20 out of 30 items on this checklist so. you’re good’. i don’t even need to fully complete the list. bc. yes. once you’re past that point it’s kindof like. i don’t know.

So the guy. i think maybe he’s the head of the NYPD, or something? he was in blue. no um recently. like on wed. or thurs. there was a news story where he apologised, for the. riots in June 1969. firstoff thank you cause not everybody does that. secondly. wow. i. um. ....

i know where i’ve been. <that song. could also apply to Pride.

oh. that’s why people are so upset about ‘don’t ask don’t tell’. i was 10, 11 when bill clinton was president can ya blame me? i didn’t entirely get it but now oh ok. i get it.

so here’s a reason i’m not out to my sister: she’d think. even more then she already does. she needs to look after me. fuk i’m not a plant. i get it ok? yes and that’s a reason i’m not out to most people. i got this.

actually............in north carolina from what i’ve heard. the white people are discriminated against. i don’t know too much about this. i’m white. there’s a reason i don’t want to go there.

she set the world on fire and found out who she was in her 30’s. she had this incredible power.

ok so i forgot. that Mass. was one of the first states to legalise same sex marriage. back in 2004. and now. some people in Boston want to have a straight pride parade. that’s um. interesting.
so. this is really beautiful. this woman chelsea who i know from boarding school. she’s from new york incidentally enough. we’re on each other’s fb. um so. she has 2 kids and her latest photo was of her daughter wearing. rainbow striped socks. i. .......wow. i love that chelsea
is teaching her daughter to be accepting and open of LGBTQ+ people. starting her early ya know? cause some parents don’t. i love her for this. [well and in general.]. #beautiful

sorry but the straight [or heterosexual i suppose] needs to be advocated why, exactly? right. i rest my case.
yeah no. again. straight people aren’t being discriminated against due to their sexuality. a ‘discrimination complaint’ was filed. that’s hilarious. weird way to look at it, it being hilarious. yeah ok.

to the homophobic people: no seems like apparently you do need an education. ala pink floyd.

Sleep doesn’t mean a damn thing when it’s your soul that’s tired.

so there is a scene in ‘phoebe in wonderland’. during which. particia clarkson’s character. well she defends this little boy jamie cause some of the other students are calling him the ‘f’ word. yes that f word the um. slur. i won’t repeat what it is. and she’s talking about the
literal definition which btw according to the movie means ‘pile of sticks’. and she’s ‘is he.......a pile of sticks?’ to paraphrase. no. no of course he’s not no one is. btw. in england. that is also a term for a cigerette. so. there’s that. oh god.......it’s uncomfortably funny.
that movie. i’m quite a fan of hers which is something most people don’t know about me. #patriciaclarkson #wonderful #phoebe #defenseLGBTQ yes.

The Stonewall riots happened for a reason. ya know?

Last updated June 12, 2019