Simply Pellucid in Journal

is the name of my new home-bred jr buck. I’m super proud of him; he’s absolutely gorgeous. His dam, Clarity, is killing it in the milk parlor too. It’s gratifying when dedication to quality breeding program pays off.

Yesterday I hung out with family at a bbq. It was great fun, as always- DH and I, at my rents with my little bro and his fiancé. They’re getting married in a few months (exciting!) and I was surprised at how skinny she was. I guess I was never very self conscious about my own wedding- I didn’t lose any weight or work out or anything, lol. It just wasn’t a consideration at all.
I was also really surprised and genuinely shocked when by brother related how he perceived me when we were kids. I guess because it came up oddly, and because I never knew that he thought of me that way. His fiancé was talking a little about how she was abused by her stepmother- the things that woman had done to her and her siblings as a child.
Now I’m not a stranger to child abuse. I was subjected to it, witnessed it, and unfortunately was part of it (as a child). I am particularly sensitive to it. And I suppose my stance was formed earlier than I might have thought, because my brother chimed in saying that while that was certainly quite terrible, my sister would never have put up with that.
And I thought. Wow. He’s absolutely right. but it was a thought I hadn’t really considered before. I was never an unwitting bystander, even as a very small child; I was quite smart and talented, and I had a way with people. My mother used to warn my new teacher about me at the beginning of each school year-! haha. I just had no respect for arbitrary rules, stupid people, immoral people, or weak people, and if they had a weakness I would exploit it. I ended up retiring or moving 2 of 5 of my elementary school teacher… lol.
Anywho. It was a moment that I realized my brother actually appreciated and looked up to me. Which is genuinely surprising because I don’t deserve it. Countless times I took advantage of him, tricked him, hurt him, wronged him in various ways. But we were just kids. I guess there were also times that I stood up for him at my own peril. And I can tell you- I never thought that he knew it. Most especially when it came to standing up to my dad. He had an unrealistic set of expectations for children, and was never one to use patience on the first go around.

Recently watched a video about the use of make-up and the general women’s attitude on presenting themselves; just the everyday use by women primarily in western countries. The basic and glaring double standards of the reality… if men did the exact same thing, they’d be socially lynched.
I’ve always felt that make-up was… not for me. I never had a particular reason. I’d have to say a lot of it was a complex. But there was also a definite moral aspect as well.
I just felt that it was too much like lying.
Don’t get me wrong. I wore make-up to my wedding. I wore it to other’s weddings. To a party here and there. But. That’s it.
AND. lol. I do get a lot of attention. Maybe its just because I won the genetic lottery. idk. I really hesitate to take any credit for things that I had nothing to do with, but I definitely do not spend any time worrying about how I look. I mean, I do the normal of trying to match my blouse to my trousers (and often fail), and wash my hair, but beyond that it’s like… take it or leave it. I do feel like it’s not really my physical shell that people are paying attention to. I feel like its my inner being. And I can take at least a small amount of pride in that… because I definitely would not be who I am without a lot of years of dutiful inner work.