Short circuit in Current Events

I don’t know what happened to my mood yesterday. I was feeling my oats and I decided to have an old fashioned selfie sesh but I could not get what I wanted out of it. I only had the house to myself for so long. My self-esteem deflated pretty quickly while I was trying to find a decent picture. My confidence did what it used to do as I scrolled through the search feed on IG and got bombarded with content about bony face white guys with muscles that everybody was hyped about. Then I scrolled through travel posts of people making their way around the world. I felt so small and so far away from everything I want in life.

It was cold and it rained all day yesterday. The weather gave me a headache and I was not able to escape my mood by going for a run. I even tried to write an entry yesterday but my computer crashed. I was annoyed but I decided to hold back my feels. My plan yesterday was to wake up early and get my exercise and morning routine done by nine instead of noon. Then get to work with finding work etc. That did not happen. I was too emotional. I was too full of excuses I should say.

So last night I woke up shortly after I fell asleep. I was on the cusp of an anxiety attack. I think? I don’t know how to explain what I was experiencing. It was like my brain short-circuited. I could feel every inch of my body from head to toe. I think that I was also able to feel my aura? Pulsating, violently. My thoughts were all over the place. I think in pictures and everything was animated. Every thought generated a different emotion. I experienced the whole mood spectrum last night. From grief to ecstasy. Some emotions I did not recognize. Needless to say, I did not get much sleep last night and sleep was the only thing going for me this whole month. This better not become a regular thing.

Well, today is a new day. I have an appointment with my doctor this morning that I have been looking forward to. I have not seen him since 2015. I finally found the clinic he relocated to. It’s a clinic for gay men that started from the bottom and now has their own space. A lot has changed since I last saw him. I quit my antianxiety and antidepressant medications. I quit smoking and I started to exercise. I went vegan and my acne problems went away, that was a big issue for me when I last saw him. There is more but I don’t want to get into that. I am nervous about seeing him though because of my dentist. He recently beat skin cancer and is now preaching getting every weird thing on your skin checked. The hypochondriac in me is convinced that I have skin cancer now lol. Thanks guy.

I’ll be back home by 11 this morning and I’ll just have to make today my bitch this time. I messaged my cousin Curtis about if there are any positions available at the hotel he works at. I still haven’t told him that I am unemployed because I do not know how to bring that up. I’ve been messaging him off and on for a month waiting for him to ask me how I’m doing and what I’ve been up to. I won’t even get a reply about his work because that question is not about him. I’ll have to nag. I’m going to send my resume to them online and maybe I’ll just get in without his help. It would be hilarious if I get a management position and then become his boss.

Anyways, I am aiming to have an actual real productive day. Today is the one month anniversary of when I got fired. Part of my mood yesterday was replaying that event over and over in my head again. Like, shortly before my bosses asked to sit down with Karamjeet and I, she stole my pen from my pocket and acted all cute about it. I buy my own fancy pens and she knew that I was about to get fired and that pen was just one more thing that she wanted from me. I need to accept that evil wins sometimes. I have this fantasy of running into her at the store years from now. I’ve made all my dreams come true and she is still there holding on to the job that she stole from me. The job that held me back for too long. “Oh Karamjeet you still work here? Of course you do, you will never be better than this place. Well, I would wish you the best but this is your best.” Then I would just take my horse down the old town road and ride until I can’t no more.

Blah, I’m overthinking the commute to the doctor’s office now. It’s not an hour drive but it will take an hour because it is in the heart of the most congested part of the city. Frig I’m so nervous. I gotta go. ta