Ow in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Ow.

After work blew up in my face last night; Wife and I went to the gym. Where I decided that… since I’ve hit my plateau weight and seem to simply be jumping around from 218 to 223… I should increase my workout. So I moved everything up. What was once 170 lbs became 190 lbs, what was once 50 pounds became 65 pounds, what was once 55 pounds became 70 pounds, what was once 40 pounds became 50 pounds (and so on). After that, my elliptical was being used so I went over to the stationary bike and did 8 miles on that.

Obviously, I hurt muchly this morning. NOT helped by the fact that I did not sleep well last night due to a number of factors. Then… on top of all of that… I get to the end of my street this morning and… the construction is back! I live on a cul-de-sac. The ONLY way to leave my street is to use THE ONE road… the busiest road in town… the road they have turned into a one lane road starting about 80 yards north of my house to about 2 miles south of my house. A definite pain in the ass. But at least that one is metaphorically speaking.

So… that’s where I am to start my day. A shitty end to work yesterday… tired and in pain… starting with a 40 minute delay of annoyance. And like every to do list ever… it never goes down. The To Do List just grows. Even as I do things on it… other stuff comes in, replaces it, makes it grow. Which… I usually tell people, “Look on the bright side. It means you’re alive, have things to do, and have people who count on you!” But… for obvious reasons, I’m not there personally on that. Though… I am happy that it finally stopped raining!! Rained for freaking ever. But is currently replaced by 30 mph winds.

Oooooo… I need a long bath, an erotic massage, and a nap.

As per usual, I’m my own worst enemy. But I realized it in a different way today. I was reading “Hope for Humanity” stories… stories of a stranger doing something nice and having an impact… and I realized my negative and unfortunate thought pattern.

Every story was basically, “Something bad happened. I felt alone, stranded, totally at a loss for what to do next. Then a stranger came by and helped.” And each story, I was trying to figure out if the stranger was after something or I’d think about what I’d do in the writer’s position.

Like… “Back when Men’s rooms weren’t required to have changing stations, I asked a woman coming out of the Lady’s Room if it was empty. She assured me it was but then stayed to help me change my baby and watch the door for me. That little extra help made being a single dad easy for a minute and it meant a lot.” And my thought immediately was, “Did she want your number? Was she looking to grab the baby?” and shit like that… like instantly trying to figure out how wrong the situation could be. OR
“I was trying to get home for Christmas Break but my flight got cancelled due to weather. I figured I’d rent a car, drive to New York, and catch a flight out of there. As I walk up to the car rental place, a lady announces that she is driving to New York and people are welcome to come with her. I said yes and we drove up to NY. I figured I’d just sleep at JFK, but she offered me her couch and cooked me dinner. It was truly moving!” And my thoughts are (1) What is the gender of the writer, because I have a hard time thinking a strange woman would be okay offering a strange man all of that; (2) despite the gender… drive, food, place to stay… I’m instantly thinking this lady wants something in return… money, a corpse, sex… something!

And… I get it. I could easily say, “It’s because of my job!” And that wouldn’t necessarily be wrong. My job gives me every version of “And then things got bad”. A story starts out “I was sitting on my porch” and (if it gets to my office) ends with “saw a man get shot”. A story starts out “I was babysitting” and (if it gets to my office) ends with “the girl is finally reporting her abuse.” So… yeah. My life is filled to the brim with stories that lead to criminal actions. But it isn’t a healthy way to live to always be looking for that. Sometimes, a person can just be kind. Sometimes a person is just being good. I’ve really got to work to keep my job from corrupting my ability to think of people as “capable of good”.

Probably another sign that I should take a vacation soon.

Now my head is spinning with ideas and things I want to write down. Because I walked to Magistrate Court, had Court, and walked back. And that was enough to swirl my brain.

(1) As I walked to magistrate court, I contemplated the two phone calls from yesterday that I did not return. I don’t want to return them. I feel like that is a weak, scaredy, unprofessional thing to do. But I also feel like… in those circumstances? My giveafuck is broken. Woman in abusive relationship: I don’t want to call you back so that you can yell at me about a judge’s decision to not do anything about the case until the defendant has at least plead not guilty! Seriously. We filed charges. We have officially charged the Defendant. The case is so young, he hasn’t even plead Guilty or Not Guilty yet. And you’ve been calling every day to yell at me! Yeah, for you? My giveafuck is completely broken. Even my victimcompassion has run dry. Frankly? The only reason I haven’t just dismissed this, thrown my hands up, and said “Fuck it!” is because the thing that isn’t broken? My wanttokeepmyjob is perfectly intact! And this little game of Abuse, Call the Cops, Arrest, Drop Charges has been going on too long to continue. So, yes. I appreciate that by becoming a truly terrible witness that will sabotage her own case, I have a case that I cannot win. I appreciate that. Am I going to do what is required of me by virtue of my job, the domestic abuse advocates, and the State of Iowa? YUP.

(2) Further… just… fuckery. I 100% DO NOT LIKE WHEN THE STATE HAS TO GET INVOLVED IN PEOPLE’S BULLSHIT. I mean, I know that is a huge part of my job and I accept that. I just wish humans were more capable of not being fricking asshats to one another! It’s like… if your man is cheating on you.... maaaaybe don’t go over to the hotel in a rage to confront him with the mistress? And… if you are cheating on your woman and she confronts you at the hotel.... maaaaaybe don’t choke slam her into the ground to get her to stop yelling? BUT and I can’t state this strongly enough… IF YOUR MAN CHEATS ON YOU AND THEN ASSAULTS YOU, DON’T GO BACK TO HIM! Cuz that’s where we are now. Dude is demanding a trial because he was able to convince his girl that he loves her and everything is okay now. And I want to just shout at this woman: One of two things is true. Either he is being all cutesy and loving and perfect man to you right now BECAUSE HE WANTS TO KEEP YOU FROM TESTIFYING; or he’s being all cutesy and loving and perfect man to you right now BUT IS STILL GOING TO CHEAT AND ASSAULT YOU at some point. Probably BOTH!

(3) I’m hearing a lot of uproar and pushback on people not knowing about Fast Colors. It is a movie about three generations of black women who have superpowers. I appreciate that being connected to the Comic Book World the way I am is likely one reason that I knew about the movie. But I saw a bunch of Women of Color stating “How did I not know about this film?!” And… my first reaction? Was pretty classic Upper Crust White Liberal. Because do you know where I first heard about the film? The same place where I hear about most art projects and Minority-Led Creative Endeavors. NPR. So my first thought was, “Just listen to NPR.” And then I realized. That was a pretty White thing to say. But as I thought about it more… I realized something else. This is also part of the break in journalism media. When everyone is choosing to listen to just their social media and/or just their preferred News Source… they’re not exposed to things that maybe they would WANT to be exposed to. I mean… Black Twitter is popping off about not knowing about Fast Colors. And that is growing. Where was Black Twitter when Fast Colors came out? And it reminds me of things like how people receive their world news! MY news: Walmart to raise prices in most US stores, cite Tariffs as reason. Popular News Media: Trump is behaving like a toddler tyrant and refusing to work with Democrats. Right Wing News Media: Trump stands up to Dems’ demanding they end ‘phony investigations’. Or… another way to view that… in Trump’s America, the people who are his most vocal supporters are about to be directly hurt by his tariffs.... and the media at large is only covering the Trump Circus Act not the Trump Policies and Their Effect. SO… the Liberals will guffaw at Trump’s consistent idiocy, the Conservatives will angrily shout about ‘illegal investigations’, and the Trumpists who should be getting angry at Trump due to HIS POLICIES making their grocery trips more expensive? They’ll just keep on supporting Trump because it’s fun to watch that man stand up to the Liberals that we don’t like.

(4) The Internet, as we know, is trash and the place where society will die. Nothing proves that to me more than the current abortion debate. Because… folks? Let’s GENUINELY talk about this… and I’ll even use your precious MEMES to do it.

Now… that is just Meme Sharing. It isn’t a discussion, necessarily, but via meme I was able to express a few things I wanted you to consider. You don’t HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR MIND because of Memes. You don’t HAVE TO FEEL ATTACKED because you disagree with these Memes. AND IF I SHARED PRO-LIFE MEMES, THE SAME APPLIES! Yes, you should absolutely express your opinion and work towards fighting for what you believe in. But that isn’t what I’ve been seeing. A Pro Life friend puts up “I support an Infant’s Right To Life” and gets two responses. The first says, “But at what point is it an infant, this isn’t arbitrary!” The second says, “Keep supporting the patriarchy you hateful bitch!” That isn’t cool. The first response deserves to be discussed. The second response, while I understand the emotional origin, is terrible. And if you think, “That isn’t bad. She’s just supporting her beliefs!” Reverse it. Because this is true. The DnD colleague of mine whom I hate with a passion due to his Internet Troll Lifestyle decided to go around “supporting his beliefs.” Every politician who tweeted their support for the Women Protesting Alabama? He posted, “Keep rocking the slut vote!” THIS KIND OF BULLSHIT NEEDS TO END and I know that it won’t. It’s only getting started! It’s going to get a lot worse!! And that’s terrible! Because that isn’t how we effect change, or gain understanding, or work together, or do anything of value. Trolling and Net Raging simply increase the divide and make it easier to destroy all of us! Dividing people is how tyrants get stronger. Making people fight each other is how governments prevent people from fighting them.

(5) This is egotistical but something that I did consider today in Magistrate court. What if I am smart? Not like… “What could I accomplish if I believed I was smart?” But more… what if the reason I think the way I do is because I was genetically and socio-economically positioned to have an intellectual advantage that grew into legitimate intelligence? Then, the frustrations I often feel and the things I think “are just obvious!” may be things that other people just… honestly… don’t know or can’t figure out. Like… the things I figure out and handle? Maybe other people honestly can’t. This feels like more of a revelation than it should be but I think that’s where you see that Dunning Krueger / Imposter Syndrome thing really kick in. I honestly don’t think I’m that special. I’m an average guy in average iowa being average. But… if just if I’m an Intelligent Guy in average iowa being Intelligent… than maybe people aren’t “always being so stupid!” and instead those people are “being average and living average lives?” I don’t know. I feel like I’m not expressing myself well here. But it definitely felt like… what if I am intelligent and taking it for granted?

Ugh, grr, ufda, and oy vey! I am now trying to do something that I hate doing but I hate doing it from a “this is really important and I’m glad I’m in a position to help people” kind of place. Because crimes happening to kids. Because sex crimes happening to kids. Kids under the age of 12 being fondled by an adult. Like… how do I even begin to consider a plea deal? What… probation? Time in jail? Fines? What kind of a deal will the Defendant accept that also does justice for these children? Because… I want this to end in plea. For a number of reasons. I don’t want and I don’t like putting kids on the stand. Even if they are wonderful, bright, articulate kids. Testifying at trial is hard enough on adults! AND I don’t want to continue traumatizing victims. PLUS it is a waste of a trial. Either you’re going to believe the children reporting the abuse, or you’re going to believe the defendant. And that is what the trial would come down to. Can we go through the jury panel and just ask them which one they are more likely to believe and call it finished? So, I have to make the deal so palatable that the defendant will take it. But offering to dismiss any of the charges just feels like I’m saying, “You’re in trouble for this kid, but not this kid. This kid doesn’t count as much.”

I felt awful just sending the e-mail but… I think I crafted a plea deal that could be seen as acceptable. Which means… the Defendant likely won’t take it. But… it is not an easy thing to do.

In fact… the whole thing kind of emotionally drained me for a bit. So I’m going to read some stuff, not note, feel like shit for not noting, but be happy that I’m not falling behind in reading folks, and just… try to process for a minute.

So cute puppy picture!

Forgive me for this but to get my mind a bit sorted, I want to do a “Tour of Thought”. This will show you very genuinely how I think because if I think it, I’ll write it. Thoughts based on the following:

Okay, I like the face shape and the hair. Not sure why about the hair. Maybe the color or the cut or just that it looks somewhat long? I don’t know. Good face shape, bad expression. Doesn’t do her any favors. I don’t even know what that expression is trying to go for? Is that what she thinks a sexy expression is? Is that sexy to her? Or is she trying to look like she has an attitude? I don’t know. It’s a fairly acceptable use of space using that great large window and shot of the night sky and cityscape. I like the dress and the thighs. I really like those thighs. I know the dress/glove thing would not be consistent with me. Like I can imagine seeing this design on the street and if the sleeves aren’t attached and are just like gloves than yeah, I could see really not liking this outfit at all. But if it those are connected, I do kind of like it. Obviously there are positives and negatives to say about the skirt length. Like seriously if that is as low as that gets, how would she even be comfortable wearing that around town? I mean, she totally can and I’m sure there are people who love that but just… have a front and a back. You can have a giant leg exposing slit (and Lord knows I’m a fan of that) but if your outfit below the waist is less than a swimsuit, I hope you didn’t pay too much for it! But those are nice legs. Yep, it’s an illness. They aren’t even particularly strong or meaty but I really do like those thighs. Yup. Those are good. OH MY GOD WHAT IS SHE WEARING ON HER FEET?! Okay, okay, I know this is a popular style in some places. Dark on top than a hot pink shoe… I get that people like that. NOT ME NEVER me. Using the shoe to add a spot of color? Yes. Go for it. That’s an excellent idea. A contrast that sharp? Oh puke no! No no no no no no no no no no. The shoe itself is mostly fine. The style isn’t terrible. I think there might be a few other styles that might go better with the outfit or compliment the wearer better but the style isn’t bad. But my god that color! Seriously! Like… a warm purple or red would have been perfectly acceptable!

And that’s the kind of thought process I go through. Seriously. Like… when you see a girl in bikini photo? Thoughts like that are going through my head. Concepts/opinions on hair, makeup, background, outfit, form. Like looking at a painting or an art photograph. Reviewing the content of the image.

BEEN THERE!



Genuinely wish I had been more open about The Fun Parts of College. Because I was the DoucheNozzle DumbTool who thought, “I need to work hard in college so I can get a good job.” That isn’t how you get a good job. The guy shotgunning beers at the bar was networking and got a good job. The guy sitting in his room reading the whole time didn’t. Things I wish I had embraced while in college!

I have always wanted a room like this in my house!
Okay, I am going to explain why I posted this one! This is me. Not, obviously, a picture of me. But… I try to be funny/sexy all the time as a defense mechanism since “trying to be sexy” gets rejected and isn’t fun… I try to do things like this which are more “look I’m silly” with a nod to “am I also sexy?” and.... yeah.... rarely do they come out looking sexy. Which is what I’d say of this picture. You have an attractive woman but this whole picture is just… nooooooot sexy.
This… may… be me in a whole hell of a lot of online FPS games.
Wow. I must be pathetic. Because I saw this and the first thought that went through my head was, “I wish I could do that.” So I stopped and investigated that thought. I wish I could go to a good restaurant with a beautiful woman dressed well. What? And then I consider this past year. Yeah, I’ve taken my wife out and tried to do Date Night. Where she wore her Captain America Hoodie and jeans. To every single date. Now I know this is a small town. I know that Wife doesn’t feel good about herself. But… I don’t see me being able to convince her to ride in a car with me for an hour each way just to go to a “better restaurant” that might make her feel more inclined to wear something nice. All goes to the whole thing I suppose.
And frankly… this is why I tend to want to play consistently. Because more often than not… as I look around and realize “I have no memory of this place”… I’ll just delete the save and start over!
Support the brand, lol CK
I do like this picture. But it also makes me think, “I hope she’s hardcore into Mortal Kombat” because even I didn’t get the Special Collector’s Edition that came with Scorpion’s Mask. Because… that shit was expensive!!
HONESTLY would love this! It would be one way (out of millions of ways) where Wife could show that she genuinely cares about ME and not just cares about having a husband.


I can agree with this; but I like what one Mr. Kemp said best. Impeachment will be ceremonial at best. The Senate isn’t going to oust Trump and even when Congress has a 13% approval rating, almost ALL of them get re-elected. No, what would REALLY send a message… the important and damned NECESSARY message our political leaders need… would be to get 80% of registered voters to vote (other than the 46% in 2016) and have his actual 19% (of registered voters) get crushed in the greatest landslide of all time. Make it impossible for him to claim anything other than defeat. Show the world who we can be when we see injustice and hate taking over our country.

And now to end on a perhaps more British note we discuss whether throwing a milkshake at a political figure is “an act of violent hatred.” Just so you know… intentionally throwing something at someone in order to hit them… is something I’d charge and prosecute. Because even if I agree with your message… I’m going to do my job. But that’s also why I talk (endlessly) and work so hard trying to get politicians in office that I can SUPPORT. Because if my job is to enforce the law… I’d like those laws to not be made by hateful twats simply looking to keep power and get rich.

Last updated May 22, 2019