Big Decisions in Current Events

Yesterday I finally bit the bullet and I looked at my bank account. I will have to admit that I am still in a state of denial. I received my last cheque a week ago. I can go 9-10 more weeks of unemployment before I run out of money. I won’t let it come to that? I do want to keep my credit card empty. Yesterday, however, the thought crossed my mind that I could go visit my brother in British Columbia. I asked my mother what his living situation was and it turns out that he sold his houseboat a couple of years ago and he is currently staying with his girlfriend’s family. She is also expecting. That whole situation is not for me, I would opt for a hotel. Which could be expensive. Maybe a cute little B&E? Also, my mother explained to me that my brother lives in a small town… I have mixed feelings about that. There is not much to do in a small town except drink.

So I am still weighing the pros and cons, I will make a decision tonight. Maybe? I am being dragged to the casino for Toni’s birthday. If money comes my way I will just do it. Even if money does not come my way, I probably will not have this opportunity again. I really should YOLO this decision and go. Throw caution to the wind. That is SO not me to do that.

My happy thoughts yesterday were of me actually moving out there. I half planned it out in my mind. I would sell everything that I own and only keep clothes and various products that I use. I’m not too attached to my stuff. Except, maybe, my computer. I would even sell my car. Everything that I have planned to do here in my city I could just do out there. My roots here are not that deep. Heck, I only really need to sell my car. I could have my stuff sent to BC or even just abandon it all like an ugly child. I just don’t want to leave my sister and her husband with a basement full of stuff that they would have to deal with. I just don’t care what happens to it all.

I’ve never been west. I’ve made 33 trips around the sun and I’ve never seen a mountain or an ocean. Deep down, I know that I should do this. It would be so much easier if my brother had his own place. I will call him this weekend and fill him in on my dilemma. I know that on his end he will do whatever he can to make a visit work. He will also be full of advice on how to move there. He’d gone and done it after all. So did my cousin. Maybe I would see him while I’m out there?

Aaaahhhhh my mind is so confused lol. I could just stay here in the prairies forever. This city is like a big town. It always sucks you back because your heart will always be here. I will also admit that in this fantasy of me moving there I am vlogging the whole experience. The whole experience of uprooting my life and starting somewhere new. Being a YouTube vlogger was always on my bucket list. I just need to stop hating my face, my voice and my body so I can become comfortable in front of a camera. I should practice and record myself and edit something together quick. Just to see if I can handle seeing myself like that. Then if I can manage that and learn to like it then I can just buy all the equipment I need. Last year I looked it all up and for lighting and standard camera equipment and microphones, it’s just over $100. That’s if I do it all with my iPad and iPhone. I don’t know if I want to buy a legit and proper camera brand new or just find a used one online. Photographer’s burn through these all the time.

Blah, I need to stop right here.
At least I’m dreaming again.