Doctor, Doctor give me the news ... in My Unpredictable Life ...

So, I'm finally getting around to this entry. It is so much fun that it needed its own entry.

Now, before I get started, I must warn you that some parts may be considered TMI. I'll try not to be graphic but some things you can't be evasive with either. Most of you have been reading me for years so you already know I don't hold back much. For you new People's, consider this your warning lol.

Oh, before I forget ... Shelia "agreed" to give up her Friday night shift so that I could work it. Such a nice Bitch is she not? Glad one of us is getting my promised Friday night's off ...

So, you may remember me mentioning last week I had 2 appointments on Tuesday. Only to show up for them to find out that the 1st one had been rescheduled. Then the 2nd one was rescheduled till after the 1st one was complete.

BACK STORY: In 2009 I had an endometrial ablation done due to severe hormone fluctuations & horrid, abnormal bleeding. Most women will stop having periods within 6 months after having that procedure done. I was not part of the group of most women. (Surely you aren't surprised??! lol) While things are extremely mild now compared to what they were pre-surgery, it's still frustrating. Especially when the endocrinologist blames the female hormones and the OB/GYN blames the thyroid. Since the surgery, my uterine lining has been steadily growing thicker. So some pre-surgery symptoms are making a come back. The OB/GYN wants me to have a hysterectomy but I can't afford my share of the cost nor the time off work to have it done. And I continue to go apeshit bat crazy.

So I go to my 1pm ultrasound appointment on Thursday at the local hospital. Mind now, this is the same day that we had the freak snow storm, and I had to deal with Hubby going stark raving lunatic on me. I was so not in a good mood. I get there, check in and sit. I'm the only one in the waiting area. Twenty minutes later a woman comes flying in with a screaming uncontrollably 2 year old. She can't speak English, the translator is on her lunch break. So a pre-teen waiting nearby agrees to translate. After a few minutes, the lady with the screaming kid joins me in the waiting area. So there I am, sitting alone, 19 empty chairs in a somewhat square/circular pattern and she wants to sit down next to me, leaving 1 seat between us. Seriously, Lady? You've got the whole damn area, with all these damn empty chairs, and you want to sit next to me with your screaming kid? For the love of chocolate, why?

So I sit there, trying to ignore this kid. It's not working. It's 30 minutes past my scheduled appointment. At the 40 minute mark, I can't take it anymore and I get up and go find someone to find out what the hold up is. I explain that I am about to piss my pants and that I have to be to work in a little over an hour and someone needs to hurry the hell up! The lady goes back to find out what's what. She comes back and tells me that they will be with me shortly and that I can go pee because I don't need to have a full badder for this type of ultrasound. By the way, Lady, I'm not your "Sista" so please, just stop with that.

At 2 they finally come get me. We get back into the room and the lady is trying to explain things to me and I'm just standing there, stripping. She gets all flustered. She tries to convince me to wait till she steps out of the room to finish getting undressed. I explain to her (#1) I don't have time to play. We need to get this done as soon as possible so that I am not late for work (#2) After doing IVF and having all the problems I have had over the years, I have no shame. It makes no difference to me if she is in the room while I undress.

I crawl up on the table, head on the floor, ass in the air. She tells me to grab the wand and insert it for her. I ask her, "Why?" She said most patients are more comfortable that way. I tell her, "You can do it. After having one of these every other day for 2 weeks straight, and all the numerous "professional and unprofessional" people who have been in and out of there, it makes no difference to me who inserts the wand." Poor woman will not be forgetting me for a long time to come lol.

So she inserts the wand. She makes comments here and there. My favorite was, "Well your lining is nice and thick." Me: "Yeah, especially since I just had my period last week and I had an endometrial ablation back in 2009 so technically I shouldn't even have a lining to begin with. Isn't medical science grand?" She was all kinds of confused lol. She also told me that I have a 2cm cyst on my left ovary, which is nothing new. Fun part will be when it finally pops. But how much bigger will it get before that happens I wonder? Big enough to drop me to my knees, I'm sure.

So after about 15 mins she is all done. I have to give her kudos for getting it done so fast. I get up off the table, get past the massive head rush and plop! a big glob of KY falls to the floor. Seriously, Woman? Did you use the whole damn tube? She hands me a wash cloth. I look at her. She looks at me. I finally ask, "Do you have anything bigger because I'm sure this won't get the job done." She finally finds a couple of hand towels and rushes out of the room before I can start cleaning up the mess she made. On my honor, I kid you not, I leaked KY for the rest of the night. Every time I sat down - "squish!" Every time I stood up - "squish!" So damn disgusting.

On Friday morning I see the Dr. who is running about 45 minutes behind schedule. As the nurse is leaving the room, I ask her to bring me a blanket and that the doctor can wake me when she comes in. (I'm telling you, People's, I was exhausted at this point!) She finally comes in and we play catch up and she reviews the ultrasound and she tries, yet again, to convince me to do the hysterectomy. We eventually agree on a "for the time being" plan. She decides she wants to "check things out" and calls a nurse in for the exam. As I'm getting into position I tell the doctor to skip the KY because there is more than enough left behind from the previous day's ultrasound. For whatever reason, her and the nurse found that comment extremely funny and proceeded to laugh till they cried. Maybe it was the way I said it? So here I am, laying spread eagle for the whole world to see, and they can't stop laughing.

Finally, finally they get control and the doctor does her thing. She makes it through the exam only to lose it again when she is done and informs me, "You were right, I didn't need the KY." which just makes them start the laughing all over again.

Poor Hubby. It'll be weeks before he'll have enough traction to accomplish anything thanks to the KY. Maybe by then I won't still be pissed at him. And I won't be so exhausted that the idea of sex will sound appealing. Maybe.

Can we just call it a day and bring on the menopause already? My next fun item will be the mammogram. That is the only time I wish I had bigger "girls" because someone is going to put their foot on my stomach one more time trying to bring my "girl" into position to be pressed flat as a pancake and I'm liable to throat punch her.

Till next time ....