Wellness in Riverdale

Well

So today in my course we talked about keeping ourselves well and things that we do etc.

It was good, it really re affirmed a lot of what I am doing just naturally to cope and keep well. Though I know there is a lot I wish and want to do to push myself more out of my rut. It's scary to leave that comfortable place but that ultimately is your undoing. Makes you worse miserable unhappy and unmotivated.

It's all about challenging ideas and pretty much just doing the things that you are afraid of or make excuses for. Figuring out ways to push past resistance for things that will ultimately make you feel better accomplish you goals and motivate you more.

I hate rejection so part of my avoiding is that rejection and the bad feelings that I get anxiety fear sadness and anger. I wanna avoid and control my emotions mostly but I realize I can't all the time and the more I avoid the worse it gets.

All I can do is try, try things out, fail, fuck up, succeed, just try. I don't wanna regret my life. I don't wanna kick myself later for not pushing past my past and old way of doing and thinking.

It's not easy though with depression and trauma low self esteem systemic oppression. It's extra baggage. But if I don't even try I feel like I have nothing to complain about because I am doing nothing I would just be largely assuming everything

If I fail or something doesn't work out at least I can say you know I tried I pushed myself I did it. And try to find the wisdom in the failure. And try a different way. No harm in that.

I refuse to just lay down and die and shut up and behave. I need to test the limits. Challenge things and myself. You don't know what you are truely capable of until you try you do it. You don't really even know who you truely are and what you are made of until you do really.

So yeah I wanna take charge of what I can. Move forward actively in my life change my life change myself and I am doing it. I have already accomplished so much in my life. I think I've pretty much gone through most of the hardest parts of my life fighting challenging enduring and surviving trauma abuse death moving break ups changes. I have suffered a lot already but have made it through in tact pretty much. Still have me and who I am and am true to myself in the end. I thought I lost who I was but I was just buried and hidden for a long time, not gone.

Even if I do not see my worth reflected in other people or others attitudes and how they treat me I know deep down I am a worthy good person. I do know who I am and what I am not mostly. And what I will do and what I will not. No one came take that away from me. It's a strong belief.

Anyways just cleaning up and doing some chores. Plugging along.

My biggest challenge is other people and not taking on their energy and succumbing to their negative or just their behaviours to fit in, and avoid discomfort rejection or perceived rejection to protect myself from negative draining energy. I need all I can right now. But I am learning some good ways to do that so I am using them as much as I can to keep my sanity.

That's it for now.