The Fires Of Mordor in Hello

Burn in my gut right now.
Nachos for dinner and now the jalapenos are not agreeing with me.

I messed up again.
With all that I’ve gone through lately I got very clingy to my FWB. I REALLY didn’t mean to and well…it’s strained at best and I’m not sure if it’ll recover…which sucks because she’s a good friend of six years.
Normally in this situation I’d call/text asking are you mad, I’m sorry, it’s all my fault, please forgive me etc…which I’ve done ONLY just a few times lol
But now it’s come to a turning point I have to tell myself that no how matter this bothers me, I have to step back and let things sort themselves out. I have no control over the situation and can’t fix it. See, therapy is helping…just slowly.

Before therapy I’d do everything in my power to try and rectify things only to make it worse. When the worry kicks in that’s when the oh god oh god they’re mad at me texts start.

This WHOLE time I thought it was just me being me. But through medication to ease me off the edge and counseling with Michelle I now understand why she gave me the BPD diagnosis. I don’t want to be one of those people who are defined by their illness but at least I’m taking baby steps to do things properly.

I hope she comes around…

The funeral Sunday was nice. My great uncle JR lead the service. Saw family I’ve not seen in 20+ years. They prayed, sang a few hymns, gave some words about my cousins and concluded with another prayer. I just stood there. Atheist here. It’s funny to watch a bunch of hypocrites in action. The sun was out so guess who got burned? Yes…

It’s 3:45 am right now and I should be sleeping. But between my stomach and anxiety I’m awake. I hope I don’t drag ass on my first day at my new job.

GASP!!!!
WHAT!!!!

Place I interviewed last Wednesday called me up Friday. It’s weird to start middle of the week but I assume it’s the start of the new pay period. The kicker? 8 hour shifts! No more getting off after 2 am. First few weeks training on day shift then moved to nights. 1 pm to 9:30 pm. I can handle that!

Again, I really hope she comes around…

Last updated May 01, 2019